A letter to my son one year after his absent heartbeat breathed life into mine

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July 7, 2018

Dear Cayden,

It’s your one-year anniversary in Heaven, and 365 days without you here on earth. You changed our lives forever when we found out we were expecting you, and then again when we unexpectedly lost you. I’m writing one year later to reiterate the obvious, that your mom and dad miss you and love you. But also, to let you know that your departure from this earth and the suffering that followed has not been wasted. Difficult, heart-wrenching at times, yes, but your name and short life in my belly have made an impact on so many.

Courtesy Kailey Clymer

Cayden no-middle-name Clymer, you are one inspiring baby boy. You proved that not one breath of this air had to be taken to change things, to open eyes, and touch hearts. I may not know why your life was taken way too soon, but I long for the day when Jesus tells me. And I know when I hear it that it will all make sense. For now, we carry on with the hope that God will bless us with more children, little brothers and sisters, whom we’ll get to celebrate your memory with. We also pray for strength and wisdom if that’s not in His plan, but no matter what we will continue to build. We will build our lives together, with you, every day.

‘Why the last 365 days after delivering my son silently sleeping were the worst and best days of my life.’

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As a mother I was supposed to teach you the ABCs, right from wrong, and important life lessons. But I have you to thank for teaching me lessons about my soul. Thank you, son, for giving me the courage I was never brave enough to tap into. The type of courage to follow my heart, to step out in faith in both personal and professional matters. Thank you for showing me what true selflessness is. As a mother who cannot spend her days giving my time up for you, I understand what it’s like to truly love someone more than myself and be willing to switch places at any moment to spare pain. Thank you for exuding love with every ounce of your tiny being, paving the way for me to strive and do the same.

Kailey Clymer

So here we are one year later without you and you have personally helped me with courage, selflessness, faith and love. I wish I could have given you more in return but you have everything you’ll ever need right where you are. I will never stop thinking about you, sharing your story, or loving you. And how sweet it is that no matter how many bad days I have without you in my arms, it is another day closer to being together again. This time with no mourning, no tears, no pain. Just love.

Your loss will always leave a hole in our lives. But the gift that you are continues to fill up the hearts of others. And for that reason, I am so proud of you. Until we meet again.

Love,

Mom

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