‘Reasons your child is waking up at 3 a.m.’

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Ever wondered if they were too hot or too cold because they’ve insistently woken at 3 a.m.? Well here are some REAL answers.

1. They’re not sure if they’ve heard Yanny or Laurel. This is a big one. Not knowing if what they’re hearing is correct can be anxiety provoking. It’s like when you say “put your shoes on” and they hear what you’re ACTUALLY saying is, “run around and take off your pants right before you need to leave.” Is it Yanny or Laurel?

2. Sleep regression. It’s their 157th wonder week… they’re WONDERING when you’re gonna learn that they’re boss and they’ll sleep IF they want to. When they want.

3. Your newborn was switched just before you took them home. Sure they slept great at the hospital, but uh… this is a new baby.

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4. Because they wanna mess with you. Because your perfect sleeper doesn’t want you to get comfortable, ever. If you become complacent in parenting you’ll think you’re doing a good job, and your child can’t have that. Guilt is how they get more toys.

5. Their bum is itchy, their pajamas are too scratchy, there’s a giant giraffe in the corner, their sock is on too tight on the left, no actually it’s the right one, yep definitely the right sock…their tongue is wet. THERE IS SOMETHING THAT IS MAKING THEM UNCOMFORTABLE. They just aren’t sure what it is yet.

6. Imagine waking up and remembering that you forgot to do something really important. For your child, this is the fact they forgot to tell you that they no longer like bananas. (But would like to hold one before nap time)

7. Because they need to stop you from having another child. If you’re exhausted there will be no nookie. No nookie, no sibling to rival your love with.

8. Because you’re their bitch. Simple, bitch.

9. Because Mars is in retrograde and the moon is at 90% water diagonally and has a lactose intolerance and the wind is blowing too closely to the ocean creating a shift transformation rippling REM movements.

10. Because you give the best cuddles, and that’s all they want in the middle of the night, you. Because your warmth and love is amazing and they love you! (refer to 4 re: guilt)

Laura Mazza – Mum on the Run

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Laura Mazza of Mum on the Run, where it originally appeared. Submit your story here, and subscribe to our best love stories here.

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