‘I can’t decide if I want a baby! I’ll ruin my career,’ my friend messaged. I was brutally honest.’: Woman ‘mourns’ loss of life pre-motherhood, ‘I gave up a lot, but I gained so much more’

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“My friend messaged me today and said she can’t decide if she wants to have a baby.

Her text read: ‘I’ve worked so hard to be happy in my career. I felt previously I wanted one because I was looking for purpose but now I have that and I’m happier than I’ve ever been, I’m worried it will ruin that.’

So, I voice messaged her back between yelling and having to send broken messages. (Reality, right?!)

All I know is, I never felt like children would give me my only purpose. Yes, they have given me a whole new one, one that supersedes anything else right now, and probably always will. But I had purpose with my husband, in our life together before kids.

We never felt anything was ‘missing.’ Truthfully, I looked at him with his friend’s children one day and it was the first time I ever felt like I could see into our future.

So, I was brutally honest, because the last thing I want is a friend crying to me through the phone holding her newborn telling me she’s not cut out for this because of how hard it all is.

So I told her, ‘It’s bloody hard. Yes, I’ve had two a year apart, so I’ve added to my workload substantially.’ I told her to keep this in mind.

I told her most nights I go to sleep with ringing in my ears from their crying or whinging.

That I’ve never felt such overwhelm.

Courtesy of Jessica Urlichs

I told her I don’t sleep more than 4 hours at a time, that I’ve never been so tired and there are no breaks.

I told her our relationship suffered. Making time for eachother just didn’t, couldn’t happen. Still, it’s a battle to find time alone.

Courtesy of Jessica Urlichs

I told her that the word ‘responsibility’ weighs heavily on you like never before, all the choices previously made for yourself seem small when you’re solely in charge of another human being.

I told her about the fourth trimester, about the body changes, the baby blues I experienced.

Courtesy of Jessica Urlichs

I told her I’m still working out where I fit into all this, the girl before who was carefree and who loved not knowing what tomorrow would bring…I’m still letting her go and some days even mourning for her.

Courtesy of Jessica Urlichs

But I also told her this.

As much as I loved my independence and my work, I never had the same sense of gratitude at the end of my day as I do now.

I told her that even though parts of me have been left behind (maybe temporarily, maybe not), I’ve never grown so much as a person as I have since becoming a Mom. They’ve shaped me and been my best teachers.

Courtesy of Jessica Urlichs

I told her that my heart has never felt so full and content, all from just hearing their laughter, watching them eat or breathing softly as they sleep. I’m appreciating the small things, that I’ve now learned are everything.

I told her it’s a whole new love, not just for them but for my husband too. We may only see eachother in glimpses at the moment but this love has been carved out of special moments, not time.

Courtesy of Jessica Urlichs

I told her it’s a big sacrifice in the beginning. We gave up a lot, but we also gained so much more and I know one day when I look back I will never be prouder of myself for loving them day in and day out, and finally learning to love myself, too.

In truth, they are my souls equal.

Dear friend, it can be bloody hard, but it’s beautiful. But your life will be beautiful, whatever you choose.”

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Courtesy of Jessica Urlichs

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Jessica Urlichs. You can follow her journey on Instagram. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.

Read more from Jessica:

‘Having a baby won’t ‘fix’ your relationship. Oh, no. It will test you.’: Woman urges importance of being in a ‘solid relationship’ before having kids, ‘parenthood can break you’

‘You’re in early labor. You’d be crawling on the ground reaching for drugs otherwise.’: Mom encourages women to ‘find their voice’ during childbirth after ‘begging’ husband not to let hospital send her home

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