LOL
🤣
‘I walked into his house. When I saw the bags from Victoria’s Secret, I knew what he had in store. It was Valentine’s Day, and it’s pretty obvious what a grown man had on his mind.’
“I gave him the coy smile, in an attempt to be sexy. I probably tried to wink at him, and did my best to slither over to the bed. One long stride in front of the other, knocking my hips from left to right, hoping to look like Marilyn Monroe but most likely – didn’t. He slowly sat down next to me.”
‘Dad needs you! There’s water everywhere!’ I run downstairs, my husband is on his knees under the sink, water gushing all over everything! ‘Where’s the valve to shut it off?’ ‘We need the ‘special key!’
“I run outside, half naked, looking around in the moonlight for this shut-off valve… I throw on some clothes and grab my phone to Google. ‘You had time to put on skinny jeans?!?’”
‘I told him I wanted his ring. He must’ve had enough, because he handed it to me. Oh, hell no. I did what every non-reasonable, pregnant, insane woman would do.’
“I followed him. Oh yes, I waddled after him, appalled he would give me his ring, even though I demanded it. By the time I caught up to him, he was already in his car. So, I did the next most non-reasonable thing I could think of. I THREW it.”
‘I SAVED HIS LIFE! I found a slight pulse. I’m doing CPR!’ My dad has always gone the extra mile. Even for our dog’s beloved teddy bear.’
“Where the hell did you get that thing? ‘He’s not a ‘thing!’ I found one of Lucky’s babies outside. I saved HIS life.”
‘He looks at me and asks what’s wrong? And I respond, ‘I’ve been punched by your son and your daughter has done a massive poop in the bath’
“He hands me a paper towel, I mean dude, what the hell am I gonna do with a paper towel? Dry the poop? Soak the bath water?”
‘What is wrong? Is something wrong?’ He didn’t answer me. ‘Chad, seriously, tell me what’s wrong.’ He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and leaned in.’
“He shot back with a look on his face I had never seen before. Fear, maybe. Shock. Panic. Oh God, what was it? The blood left his face. He was pale. Almost confused.”
‘I wasn’t even near him,’ actually means, ‘I was standing directly in front of him trying to touch his eyeballs with my eyeballs.’ You will learn to like Blippi. Because YouTube will show you other videos that are SO MUCH WORSE, HOLY CRAP.’
“Our babysitter is expecting her first. I thought about stuff I want to tell her in preparation for motherhood. And then I got home and unloaded 17 bags of groceries that somehow did not include the ONLY two items I specifically needed. Probably should warn preggo about that.”
‘The receptionist says, ‘Peter will be out with you soon.’ I smile and think, Peter? Peter better be a girl. Don’t panic. He says, ‘Laura?’ Real slowly. I sigh and say, ‘Yep that’s me.’ FML.’
“I never get pimples on my back. Never… but occasionally my body says, ‘Hey, remember what it’s like to be 14? Well here’s an eruption for you and I got a real big juicy one right in the middle of my back.’ I think it’s all good because, she’s a woman, she will get it. ‘No no no No. NO.'”
‘I started the dishes, but the toddler pooped her pants, so I had to change her. Do you know toddlers can produce purple poo after eating blueberries? I didn’t until I called 911.’
“The lady called me an abomination. There was a cry in the bedroom. The baby had woken up. Oh wow he smelled a little like cheese, not quite blue cheese, but definitely aged cheddar.”
‘I’m a Christmas Eve baby. My birthday didn’t have the greatest timing in the eyes of others around me.’
“When I met my husband, do you know what he did on that first birthday we spent together? He wrapped my presents in Christmas wrapping paper. He learned pretty quickly to never do that again. No Santas or snowmen, please.”
