LOL
🤣
‘No, Mommy! I don’t need a potty!’ The kids erupted in giggles. I should’ve been suspicious LONG before. Holland had been consuming juice boxes and popsicles for HOURS, y’all.’
“I go full-fledged panic mode. Something is amiss. I can smell it. Holland: ‘I DONT NEED A POTTY!’ Ben: ‘BAHAHAHAHAHHAA! She doesn’t need a potty, Mom! Our clubhouse ALREADY HAD a potty!’ Golden Retriever: *whimpering slightly* I climb up the ladder. My children are pointing to… A dog bowl.”
‘My sister’s back in town, newly divorced. You should give her a call.’ I heard a knock. He looked up and smiled. I thought, ‘One day, I’ll marry this man.’ I didn’t tell him. Why ruin the moment?’
“A friend asked, ‘What has kept you married for 42 years?’ The last 5 decades have gone by in the blink of any eye. I could see by the look in my husband’s eyes what his answer would be.”
‘He was told to wear nice clothes for his graduation pictures. I expected to see him in his green cap and gown. This was so much better! I literally laughed until I cried. I hit the picture lottery.’
“I asked Connor how pictures went and if he smiled nice. In true 6 -year old-fashion, he told me he ‘smiled handsome.’ I thought nothing more of it. Until yesterday morning. We will be buying ALL the backgrounds!!!”
‘Hubby: ‘I sent these pictures to work to show them the baby. They’re good, right?’ Me: ‘You’re kidding me, right? OH MY GOD! I am NOT covered up down there! Did you even LOOK at them?’
“Hubby: (in a rising and panicked voice). ‘Well, yeah. And I even had your DAD look at them before I sent them!’ My dad’s eyes are bulging out of his head. Dad starts trying to defend them. ‘We were just looking at your faces, it was a cute family photo…. Well, from the top up!’ My husband goes into damage control. ‘Oh no, oh my God, how did I miss that?’”
‘I screamed ‘Do you need to pee?’ at my 4-year-old during her game. She said, ‘No,’ then peed her pants. Couldn’t help but respect her dedication to the game.’
“We’re two weeks into soccer season. Practice is on Tuesday afternoons, so we can have dinner at 3 p.m. or 10 p.m. My 4-year-old listens to her soccer coach better than she’s EVER listened to me in the history of her life, and I’m trying really hard not to be bitter about that.”
‘Oh, hey girl! It’s me, YOU, in 2019! Sorry about tucking you away in a drawer for decades, but I am so happy to see you now. And LOOK at you!’
“Is that a wine cooler in your hand? Say no more. I can tell its strawberry daiquiri–flavored from its iconic redness. Also, judging by the thinness of those eyebrows, there is a tiny butterfly clip holding your hair in place, isn’t there? Good for you, keeping up with fashion and stuff!”
‘My friend called and said I had to fertilize my lawn. ‘What?,’ I asked. ‘You know, fertilizer.’ Visions of spreading cow crap bare-handed dance in my head. ‘It’s going to rain tomorrow, so do it today.’
“I said, ‘fine,’ all the while thinking, “this is dumb, this is dumb, this is dumb.’ Yet I realize this is one of those things I have to do now, on my own. So, I sent my daughter to the store to grab a bag, and $25.00 later, I’m ready to go. Or so I thought…”
‘What is all of that?,’ he asked. I told him, ‘April Fools!’ He still didn’t really understand. He continued to ask me, ‘But, what is all of it?’
“I don’t hide my purchases. He takes a picture, sends it to me and says, ‘It took BOTH of these trucks to get your orders delivered today.’ So, that simmered in my brain.”
‘I hear Bon Jovi say, ‘You dropped something! It’s stuck to your foot.’ I turned around. Was it a black handkerchief? No… What was that?’
“I was going to say, ‘It’s not mine!! I have Tonsillitis.’ But who was I kidding? It was the size of a parachute, and it was mine. When I left the house, I grabbed old jeans that I whipped off before a shower yesterday, but had neglected to take my underwear out of.”
‘Mid-meltdown, my son sticks his rubber snake down his pants and yells, ‘LOOK! MY PENIS HAS MUTATED!’ I scream-whisper in my most ‘I mean business’ mom voice, ‘Stop it right now!’
“Breathe. Everything is fine. We are making memories, dang it! I know, I know. Parents shouldn’t raise their voice. Add me to your prayer list, I need some work. Then, I noticed a silent tear trickle down my son’s cheek.”
