LOL
🤣
‘You can’t squeeze 3 car seats in a Honda Civic anymore, SHARON. You gotta buy a minivan. And you better LIKE IT and act like you were never anti-minivan.’
“When one child is not home or napping, it feels like spring break! And I’m whipping off my bra! Jokes. I don’t own one… three kids mean I have no money for bras… or new underwear without holes for that matter.”
‘I pulled into his school parking lot. ‘Mama, aren’t you FORGETTING something?’ There was terror in his voice. That’s when I noticed it. I’ve never face-palmed so hard in my life.’
“When I went to unstrap him and pick him up, he had a concerned look on his face. He crossed his arms and stared back at me. Call? Check. Clothes? Check. Teeth? Check. ‘What? What is it?,’ I asked. It was too late now. There was no turning back.”
‘Step right up!’ my teacher said. I half shook my head no, turning pink. I slowly rose, my legs glued together. The floodgates opened. I was 5 feet from the board when someone shouted, ‘OH MY GOD!’
“Queue the tears. Oh, those embarrassing tears. I was mortified. I’d never been given the period talk. My parents were too uncomfortable to explain. And to make matters worse… you guessed it. I was wearing white jeans. WHITE. I never expected what would happen next. Not in a million years.”
‘I turned the key, and he clapped. Yep, CLAPPED, yelling out a ‘yeehaw!’ I had a hard time focusing over his hootin’ and hollerin’. He also lived in an RV park. Yippee ki yay.’
“This guy LOVED his truck. He insisted I drive the dang thing. Now, look, I am 5-feet-tall and the door to this monster was 6 feet in the air. But, I’m a sport. I threw my long, blonde hair into a ponytail, tossed my Dolce Gabbana purse onto the seat, steadied my stiletto on the step, and yanked myself in like I was getting on a horse. I prayed we weren’t about to reenact a scene from ‘Deliverance.’”
‘From the master bathroom, I bellowed, ‘I NEED LOVE!’ This is my passive-aggressive way to gain his attention. My husband drops his phone as if it suddenly caught fire, and is at my side in a flash.’
“My husband, who’d been taking in my every word, looks at me, solemnly. ‘Wow,’ is all he can formulate. ‘That seems like a lot.’ I sincerely thought motherhood would look different.”
‘My mother-in-law wore a wedding dress to MY wedding. I didn’t think to ask what she planned to wear. It ended without anyone being shoved into the champagne fountain.’
“The morning of the wedding, all the women in the bridal party crammed into a tiny room in the church. Then, she walks in. I see it. My sister kept looking at me, then my mother-in-law, then the cop the venue made us hire. She pulled me aside, hoping I didn’t go for his taser.”
‘My husband took me to Louis Vuitton and told me I could choose a purse for my birthday. Y’all, I’m not a Louis kinda gal.’
“I went in the store and felt…a wee bit outta place. I quickly turned my rugged Fossil purse around so the sales people wouldn’t see the brand and know I didn’t belong. I found a sales person who offered me champagne. CHAMPAGNE? Then, I asked the price.”
‘My husband tucked her in. She whispered something. I knew what was coming. I wrenched out of bed. I was a sleep-deprived new mom with an overworked husband and no family nearby.’
“I walked into the living room. Her proud, dancing eyes locked onto mine. She always cried. It became my mantra, whispered to myself on the darkest of days when I desperately needed a light at the end of the tunnel.”
‘There’s tiny hands in the drawer. Maybe it’s my medication and I’m finally losing it, but I can see tiny black hands.’ 5 minute long pause. ‘What? ‘It’s probably a toy.’ ‘NO, IT’S MOVING! IT’S PLOTTING OUR DEATHS.’
“You ever open a drawer to see two little hands cradling a rolling pin? I did. You can imagine my disgust when I saw this… these little claws. Guess who got the call? Yep. Poor hubby.”
‘Nobody dreams of being a single, middle-aged dad swiping on Tinder. When I entered Single Parent Land, half my brain was sobbing. The other half was thinking, ‘I can run free!’
“As a single parent, every decision takes on a new meaning. If I give my child an applesauce pouch made in China, will my ex bring it up in court? But back to the easy stuff. Remember naps? You know, those times when you could sleep in on a weekend without your ex coming in and yelling at you? There’s a silver lining in all this.”
