Lol

LOL

‘What the heck is going on? Have we been robbed?!’ I walk through an ocean of toys and books. My husband and baby are hidden among thrown sofa cushions. Sheer panic sets in.’

“‘She’s fallen asleep. Should I carry her to bed?’ Lunchtime. My phone pings again. ‘She’s woken up. What should I give her for lunch?’ I tell him she likes the pre-made pouches of baby food in the cupboard. Another text. ‘I can’t find the pouches.’ I cant wait for Daddy to realize that staying at home isnt all about box sets and playtime.”

‘Step right up!’ my teacher said. I half shook my head no, turning pink. I slowly rose, my legs glued together. The floodgates opened. I was 5 feet from the board when someone shouted, ‘OH MY GOD!’

“Queue the tears. Oh, those embarrassing tears. I was mortified. I’d never been given the period talk. My parents were too uncomfortable to explain. And to make matters worse you guessed it. I was wearing white jeans. WHITE. I never expected what would happen next. Not in a million years.”

I turned the key, and he clapped. Yep, CLAPPED, yelling out a yeehaw! I had a hard time focusing over his hootin and hollerin. He also lived in an RV park. Yippee ki yay.’

This guy LOVED his truck. He insisted I drive the dang thing. Now, look, I am 5-feet-tall and the door to this monster was 6 feet in the air. But, Im a sport. I threw my long, blonde hair into a ponytail, tossed my Dolce Gabbana purse onto the seat, steadied my stiletto on the step, and yanked myself in like I was getting on a horse. I prayed we werent about to reenact a scene from Deliverance.

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