Sad
😪
‘You don’t understand, they will never help your family.’ I was blown away. He was getting worse by the day. ‘I’ve never had an experience like this before,’ the crisis worker apologized.’
“On my way home I received the phone call. It was totally incoherent from all the screaming. I desperately tried to find out what was happening. It was my daughter. ‘It’s Josh,’ I finally heard through the screams.”
‘Why are you wearing a T-shirt?,’ I asked when I picked her up. ‘I had to put something on because I need privacy.’ She started bawling.’
“‘Yeah, it will be nice out, you can wear a dress.’ It didn’t occur to me an adult would look at my 5-year-old child and think wearing a dress was inappropriate. She was told she needed to leave class and go to the nurse’s office. The nurse told her, ‘She needed to cover her body.'”
‘As I held the photo in my hands, life did a 180. I knew I couldn’t get pregnant. ‘It’s okay. I don’t need kids,’ I kept telling myself. My sister smiled and blurted out, ‘I’ll carry for you!’ I was in shock.’
“She gave me a nudge. I will never forget her saying, ‘I would be jealous if someone else carried for you.’ This was a huge, life changing thing she would be doing. She lets me ask all of the weird questions.”
‘It smashed everywhere. Sometimes the smallest thing is the last straw. He messaged me. ‘I have limited time left.’ I recall saying, ‘We will see you next time.’ Looking into his eyes, I wasn’t sure.’
“We walked quietly to the room. We found two seats and moved them close to the bed. You think you will say the right things, but you don’t in those moments. I was speechless.”
‘My child’s father was leaving me. I was a new mother to a 3-month-old baby girl. The only items I had were a bag of clothes and a computer. She didn’t deserve any of this.’
“I looked around, saw a bedroom with a blow-up mattress, a kitchen with hardly any food, and only a few baby items. I then looked at my daughter sleeping so sweetly. Something inside me broke; I told her it would be the last night I would EVER put her in these circumstances.”
‘She was perfect, the kind of baby other mothers are jealous of. Until she wasn’t. We felt lost on how to ‘fix it.’ I quit my job. My husband ran out of sick days.’
“She had a diaper rash we couldn’t control. I knew there was nothing normal about it. I thought, ‘Funny thing. I ALWAYS washed Kinsley’s clothes before letting her wear them.’ ALWAYS. But on this day, I blamed myself.”
‘I was still being bullied. I developed a crush on a cute boy. He told me, ‘Here, take this. It will make you feel so much better. You won’t have any pain.’ I immediately felt like I was on cloud nine.’
“‘Momma, can I come back home?’ I remember thinking, ‘You can’t save me, it’s too late, I am slipping away quickly.’ She kissed my forehead. ‘You are stronger than you know.’ I never heard from my ex again.”
‘I whispered to myself, ‘It’s going to be okay.’ The silence in the room was deafening. I held my breath as the wand slid over my stomach.’
“To the woman who wondered if sharing a photo of a dead baby was necessary on my feed. Yes. That baby, the one you ‘didn’t have time to look away from,’ is my daughter. Her name is Dorothy, and I wish I could see her face right now.”
‘I’d be driving to work and see the ‘perfect’ tree to ram my car into. I stared at the railing upstairs, picking out the spot to hang from. I knew this was not normal, but it was my new normal.’
“It was a dreary day. I was standing by the window with tears streaming down my face. The kids were whining in the background. The house was a complete disaster. I was trembling and my knuckles were white from gripping the chair. My marriage was crumbling before my eyes.”
‘I was terrified something happened to the baby. He pulled me into my closet so neighbors couldn’t hear me screaming. My mom drove 3 hours in a snow storm to rescue me from him.’
“I found it scary how fast things were going, but I I loved him so much. I became pregnant shortly after meeting him. He vowed to protect us, love us, and always keep us safe. There was no doubt in my mind he was the one for me. Little did I know me becoming pregnant would awaken the monster within him.”
