Sad
😪
‘You were sending me strange text messages. I returned home to you acting even stranger. The paranoia set in. You accused me of infidelity. I did not recognize this man screaming at me.’
“I got the boys from school. We went straight home. I could feel your presence had been there. I went into your closet and your guns were missing. Two hours later, there was a knock on our door. I looked out the peep hole and there was a man dressed nicely with a manila envelope.”
‘The pain radiated from my stomach to my legs. I threw up. Finally, the fetus came out. I caught a glance of the baby in the toilet, before flushing it down.’
“I laid in the doctor’s office. Brandon stood there recording the whole thing, expecting to document the most exciting moment of our lives. She started asking me strange questions that seemed crazy at the time. It wasn’t until days later it hit me.”
‘He asked, ‘What parts do you have?’ I said, ‘EXCUSE ME?’ I was uncomfortable being interrogated. He pressured me. I refused. He decided putting his hands on me was the ‘right’ thing to do.’
“I met a doctor I hadn’t seen before. I lifted my shirt to show him. Accidentally, I lifted it a bit too far, revealing my scars. He stared. I knew he was staring. Instead of doing the right thing, he decided to ‘find out for himself.’”
‘If I drink beer, maybe they’ll like me.’ ‘Maybe if I smoke this.’ Their words cut deep. I was desperate for acceptance. When it wasn’t enough, I stopped going to class and flunked with all F’s.’
“I thought the bullying would stop when my mom died of cancer, but it returned full force. I remember being yanked off my feet by my ponytail, blood running down my leg. I still wasn’t good enough, so I dropped out. When I returned to school at 31, a mother of 3 kids, I thought the same failure awaited me again. I was absolutely terrified.”
‘Hun, whatcha doing? You ok in there?’ Silence. ‘Hun…?’ I tried turning the knob. Locked. My heartbeat grew faster. My voice got louder. I banged my fists on the door. I couldn’t save him.’
“We went to bed, said our ‘I love you’s.’ He rubbed my back as I drifted off to sleep. At 5:00 a.m., I awoke to use the bathroom. I guess he couldn’t sleep? He wasn’t in bed. He must be downstairs. The TV wasn’t on. No living room lights. Just a faint glow from the bottom of the bathroom door.”
‘After the diagnosis, we found out we were pregnant. It sent chills down my spine. All I could think was, ‘We don’t have enough time! How am I supposed to raise my children without him?’
“We were excited and broken. For much of my pregnancy, I struggled knowing that my baby would never meet the greatest man ever. He had this thing where he nicknamed each child on delivery day. Pistol, Bullet, Slug, and Cricket. There was so much anticipation for him to walk into that delivery room and call him by his ‘name’.”
‘I BEGGED my mom to get my stepfather out of my bed. He would just ‘fall asleep’ there. How convenient for him. I started thinking my mother knew, and just didn’t care.’
“In third grade, we moved. I thought it was so fancy! Surely nothing bad can happen in the suburbs. I slept over at my friend’s house one night, and was woken by something startling. I froze, I didn’t know what to do. I started to silently cry. ‘Why isn’t my friend waking up? If she wakes up he will stop.'”
‘At 13, I walked into my dad’s office and opened a filing cabinet. There, I uncovered a large yellow folder. My innocence was ripped away from me. I knew nothing would be the same again.’
“My father was addicted. His secret life became an open book. The porn, the enhancement pills. Endless text messages to various women. He’d be gone for days, then weeks at a time.”
‘A nurse approached me. ‘You’re going in now.’ I could see my mother’s eyes watering. Terrified, I took one final glimpse at my leg. I didn’t expect what was coming next.’
“They took me away. Everything felt weird. I put on a brave face. It was going to be my first ever surgery, and it was a BIG one. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. Watching my mother accept that her oldest son was going to have his leg cut off was heart-breaking for me.”
‘There’s 1 thing NO ONE prepares you for as you enter parenthood. You feel like you’ve been pregnant 87 months. Next, that 7-pound baby you brought home is nowhere to be found.’
“The minutes creep by so slowly. You want to rush past the stage of night feedings, teething, and being so needed all the time. Then, before you know it, their childhood is slipping right through your fingers.”
