Surprise!
🤩
‘I was getting my meat at the butcher. She proceeded to ask me, ‘You gonna get your tubes tied then?’ HALT.’
“I always have the perfect response in my brain, but I was stunned and speechless. She cut me off and said, ‘I’m pretty bold when I’m asking questions.’”
‘You wouldn’t have lost weight at the holocaust.’ I had things like ‘fatty’ and ‘ugly hippo’ scrawled across every school book page. I felt like dying. I felt like giving up.’
“I was shoved down the stairs by a drunk guy at a party. ‘You are going too slow,’ he said as he pushed me. Once again, visuals of high school flooded my head, and I started to feel myself giving up.”
‘I was pushing while nurses were rushing to break down the bed, my husband and a soon-to-be dad on each side, and a soon-to-be mom gloving up to help deliver HER baby.’
“He walked in and said, ‘What’s going on? I was just in here, she’s at 5.’ Nurse said, ‘NO, she’s not! It’s time! NOW!’ Everything was a blur. Tears streaming down my face – my mind racing – I was carrying someone else’s dreams.”
‘My daughter said, ‘There’s a light coming into the picture.’ It wasn’t just any light. This was a beam straight from HEAVEN itself.’
“This pregnancy has been exceptionally harder for me emotionally, knowing I won’t have any pictures of my dad holding this baby. I keep praying for him to show up in some way or another. And boy, did he.”
‘Candy is delicious and it’s okay to give ourselves a REWARD for being awesome moms.’ This mom’s HYSTERICAL candy chart is pure parenting genius
“I kept seeing this picture that listed different candies, their calorie count and what kind of exercise you should do to burn them off. Um, no thank you.”
‘Turns out, some people HATE a man in a dress.’
“My husband makes a hideous woman. My kids thought it was hilarious that daddy had boobies and a big wig. It didn’t take long before I realized my husband dressed-up as the bearded lady was not as charming to others as I thought it was. I was shocked.”
‘It’s 3 a.m. and you’d like a cookie? OKAY!’ It’s funny how my once-strict mother turned into the good witch from the Wizard of Oz, her tutu lined with snacks, the second her children were grown.
“I hear being a grandparent is the height of bliss. You get all of the benefits of enjoying children. You can spoil them rotten, discipline them rarely or not at all, and send them home to their parents as soon as you’re sick of watching Moana for the 82nd time this week. What’s not to love?”
‘My friend had an extra one-piece which was NOT made for someone 34 weeks pregnant. It turned her gorgeous suit into a wrestling thong slinglet on my preggo bod.’
“To top it off, there was a catered Chipotle buffet… I literally ate 12 tacos minimum. No bull. I went back for fourths. I had contractions kicking up all day while in my thongkini – and I wound up in labor and delivery.”
‘Fire burned in my eyes. He backed away. I pointed to the sink. ‘Oh yeah, I cleaned out my room.’ My eyes bulged.’
“‘WHYARETHEDISHESNOTINTHEDISHWASHER?’ Yes, I said it like it was all one word. ‘I dunno.’ My blood pressure shot to unsafe levels. Seventeen, yes, 17 cups in the damn sink. Not one. Not 5. Seven-fricking-teen.”
‘Marriage 2! This one only lasted 9 months. I was broke. He was not. He drove a nice car. He treated us to things. I’m not proud of this.’
“Then one night, he poured me a glass of wine. I took a sip and saw something in the bottom of my glass. No… It can’t be what I think it is. Can I keep drinking and pretend I don’t see it?”
