Surprise!
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‘He had 10 fingers and 10 toes, but they were fused together. He was beautiful, but I was very disconnected. He looked different.’
“It was hard for me to look at him. He was my second child but I felt like I was a first-time mom and I was going to break him. Every irrational fear went through my mind. I finally realized I was madly in love with this little boy of mine, and was ready to go to the ends of the earth to get him the care he needed.”
‘He was just gone. I came home one night to the apartment my boyfriend and I shared to find everything was missing. He terminated our lease and emptied our joint bank account.’
“Just a few weeks later, I woke up one morning feeling ‘different.’ I really can’t explain it, because it didn’t make any sense. But something in me, knew. I sat shaking with a pregnancy test in my hands. My body was barely functioning. But against all odds, two pink lines appeared.”
‘Staring into my Poppy’s eyes, I asked him to pick a baby for us when he got to heaven. I kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear, ‘make it a girl.’
“I was hiding this secret. ‘Don’t you want the best care for your baby?’ Of course we did. As we approached our assigned room, there was a plaque outside the door. The name of the family who donated the funds for that room? The McAngel family. We knew my Poppy would get her through this.”
‘Our attorney told us we shouldn’t get our hopes up. It doesn’t happen like this and it would not turn out in our favor. I didn’t know if we would hear from her again.’
“We were contacted by several women. Then I got a Facebook message from a woman who had seen our post.”
I remember looking at the doctor and demanding him to leave the room. ‘Wow Crystal you can’t even grow a baby correctly.’ I looked at my husband and we both began to cry. ‘WHY MY BABY?’
‘Hearing the little baby I was growing inside me was already going through so much made me feel like the biggest failure.”
‘Ten weeks. That’s when I found out I was having twins. 11 weeks, when I was guaranteed I wouldn’t be having twins. ‘Baby B is not going to make it. You’re putting Baby A in serious jeopardy.’
“They must’ve thought I was crazy. I didn’t cry. I didn’t even hardly react, other than to adamantly stick with my gut. I was pregnant with 2 LIVING babies. I sure as hell wasn’t going to just cut the cord because it sounded like a good idea.”
‘My fingers were numb, but I blamed the cold weather. I had feelings of rug burn across my legs. ‘Mommy, my chest feels funny.’ Those were the last words she would hear me say.’
“My mom held me and then boom! I was crying ‘mom’ as I hit the floor. I took her phone and typed, ‘Pull the plug.’ She cried and cried, and I remember her saying, ‘I’m not gonna let you die.’”
‘I was raised not to have sex before marriage, and now I am unwed and pregnant. I sat in the bathroom alone and terrified.’
“I found out he was seeing another woman and everything came crashing down. I ruined myself all for someone who never loved me.”
‘She and her brother are both adopted, so we couldn’t even do a half match! That call was devastating. How could we come this far and not have any matches?! We felt hopeless.’
“We searched for weeks, and came up empty handed. I remember so vividly sitting in the waiting room thinking this is just a bad dream and we would wake up!”
‘I laid awake at night, my stomach in knots, terrified it was the boy embryo that took. I couldn’t even picture raising a boy. It brought me to tears. Full blown survivor’s guilt.’
“Gender disappointment after overcoming infertility? I felt awful. I felt selfish. I was mad at the fact there was a perfect little boy growing inside me. How could I be so greedy? So privileged? Women are yearning for a healthy baby, and I’m crying over…well, sex organs.”
