Touching
🤧
‘I was lying on a ‘friend’s’ kitchen floor. Standing over me were paramedics and a police officer. ‘You’re lucky we’re not busy today,’ the cop looked at me and said. I lied to everyone.’
“I met someone. The wrong someone. A friend. Or so I thought. I was catapulted into a world no one should experience. It was raining. The sky was black and the storm wasn’t letting up. I felt this strong feeling of evil hanging around me that day. My ‘friend’ was with me. I looked in the mirror and at that point, I knew.”
‘I snapped a photo of my daughter on the exam table, bragging about my healthy girl. ‘Come feel this,’ the doctor said. I put my hand on her belly. My heart sank.’
“We were about to walk out the door with a good bill of health when the doctor asked me if I had any concerns. That’s when I remembered her large tummy. He immediately laid her down on the exam table and began feeling around on her belly. His face quickly changed to concern. I looked at my husband and said, ‘This can’t be good.’”
‘He literally turned into a rabid wild animal! His hands turned into claws, his face looked evil. He was foaming at the mouth, and growling. I couldn’t believe this was our sweet boy.’
“He came home from school a different boy. He wanted to hide behind the couch. He snapped and growled at his siblings. ‘Did something happen at school?,’ I asked him. ‘No,’ he replied, crying his eyes out. We started noticing unusual symptoms in our younger son too. Little did I know, this was just the beginning of our nightmare.”
‘My husband bungee corded my kid to the backseat. Not kidding. She was 3 years old. I honestly didn’t believe it. But there she was, strapped in a makeshift five-point harness.’
“He let me sleep in. Imagine my shock waking up at 10 a.m. to not a sound in the world. Not the pitter patter of little feet, not the tugging of my sheets followed by, ‘mom, mom, mom,’ not the sounds of cartoons. I yawned, threw my hair into a messy bun and made my way downstairs thinking I would find an empty house or sleeping angel children. I didn’t find that.”
‘I rose as normal and glanced at the clock. ‘Let me wake her and change her diaper.’ I drop to my knees. 911 operator: ‘Whats your emergency?’ I scream, ‘My baby’s not breathing!’
“I desperately breathe air into my child. Medics rush in. Suddenly, I hear voices, machines. I’m listening for that cry I know. Everything pauses. They wrap her in a soft white blanket, slowly walking towards me as if presenting a gift. I push back, pleading with tears. I beg the doctors to try just a little longer.”
‘I just have to ask, do you love Sage as much as you love Ira? I know you say you do, but is it true?’ We sat on my living room floor when she asked me this. I nodded. ‘I absolutely do.’
“I loved you fiercely far before I knew you. She sat on that bed holding you, her tears falling onto your perfect self as she fed you one last time. The room’s air was thick as molasses. And then, she placed you in my arms, and I melted all over the floor.”
‘My miscarriage crushed me. I screamed and cried in the nursery closet, clenching my son’s wubby so hard my palms bled. I was inconsolable.’
“Now you’re left exhausted, thinking what the hell did we just do? Am I an imposter because I failed? I flipped my mindset. It felt good to dive into something again, which started with ripping up all the carpet in the upstairs of our house. There was no sense in avoiding a room meant for a nursery when I could change it into a usable space.”
‘My mom expected to find me dead. With my son in her arms, she banged and screamed my name. ‘CEIRA!! CEIRA PLEASE!!!,’ she wailed, terrified of what she’d find on the other side.’
“I was in a motel room turning a trick. I had fainted and woke up to this man trying to help me up. Embarrassed, I asked him to leave and went into the bathroom. I was standing at the sink looking into the mirror, and in that moment, I knew.”
‘She sat next to her dying father, her best friend, and grabbed his hand. She whispered in his ear it was ‘ok to go.’ She would be alright. He could stop being in pain.’
“With her hair in a ponytail and her face stained with tears, she pet his hair while he gasped for air. She put a cross in his hand when she knew he was never coming back. She kissed him on the cheek and uttered ‘goodbye.’ She sat with him for an hour after he stopped breathing, making sure he was not alone.”
‘My career failed. Everyone kept asking, ‘What are you doing these days?’ I’d just want to run away. I didn’t know what to tell them. I had no answers.’
“All my friends who had been doing nothing post-college, partying and vacationing, now all had good positions and were making good money. I thought, ‘Where am I? What am I doing? What am I going to do next?’ Slowly, I just became too comfortable avoiding people and doing absolutely nothing.”
