“I met someone new. Someone who made me feel alive again. Six months later, I found out I was pregnant. Then I received devastating news.”
‘He slipped something in my drink. He had a razor blade. He ‘accidentally’ sliced my thigh. I took photos of the blood dripping down my leg. When I woke up, the photos were deleted.’
‘He asked bluntly: ‘Am I allowed to hug you?’ I don’t love hugs. I especially don’t like men initiating physical contact. ‘Come on, it’s just a hug.’
“I cuddled up with my ferocious 5-year-old in bed. She said, ‘keep your hands to yourself.’ Then she smiled at me, and fell asleep. God, I hope for her.”
‘I was the gift that was traded in exchange. What killed me the most, was pulling my Sunday dress back down and walking out as if nothing had happened. I was 5 years old.’
“I finally ended my silence and told my dad. His response was, ‘I had a feeling that was what was happening.’”
‘Your sister is missing! She was last seen days ago wandering downtown. The police won’t file a missing person’s report!’ I got on the next plane home, determined to find her myself.’
“After years of searching for my sister, my stepdad asked me, ‘How long are you prepared to keep looking for her?’ She was gone, without a trace.”
‘I had just gotten in my car when my phone rang. It was my best friend. She sounded serious. ‘What’s wrong?’ She didn’t know how to tell me, but I should get home as soon as I could.’
“My boyfriend was kicking me out of the apartment we shared. ‘Why?!,’ I asked her crying. I drove home as fast as I could. My clothes, makeup, shoes, were all thrown on the floor. He said he ‘knew what I had done.’ I was so confused.”
‘Where is my son? You aren’t the person I raised,’ she said through tear-filled eyes. She was curled up having a nervous breakdown on the bathroom floor. Pleading me to stop, but I can’t do that.’
“Cops showed up at my mom’s house looking for me. She and I would hide behind the couch. She was my biggest enabler. Then, she had enough. With all of her jewelry, she said, ‘Is there anything you can sell so you can stop?’ There wasn’t anything real left. I had already sold it all.”
‘Shaking, with my daughter, I drove to the gas station. I needed help. I stood there in my slippers, crying with my 3-year-old in the back, convinced he wouldn’t be far behind.’
“He would remind me this was my second marriage and I had two children by two different dads. He told me no one else would want me. Starting over on my own, with a disability, would be impossible. Before I knew it, something came over me. To this day, I don’t know how I managed to do this. I packed for my life.”
‘It started out as ‘the talk.’ But it was hands on. I remember feeling dirty and wanting to crawl in a hole and die.’
“Life had become unbearable under the weight of my secret. He told me no man would ever want to marry me because I couldn’t keep the house clean. I knew that wasn’t true, but I did think no man would ever want me. I was tainted.”
‘He went from leaving his phone out and unlocked to taking it to the bathroom with him when he’d shower and keeping it in his pocket when we were home.’
“My fiancé came home around 2 A.M. from ‘ice fishing’ with an undisclosed ‘buddy.’ By this time I knew he was having an affair as I had seen adulterous texts on his phone. I had a dress, the church, the bridesmaids, etc. The wedding was already planned.”
‘My parents knew I suffered abuse. ‘It is not that bad, she will get over it.’ I was alone. Because they doubted me, I started to doubt myself.’
“After another traumatic pregnancy, it hit me like a truck. I loved her so much, but I kept looking at her and thinking, ‘how could you?’ I always thought if I had a baby girl, I would make sure nothing happened to her, like it did to me. But the moment I held her, I realized I couldn’t keep that promise.”
