“My heart sank. I could tell by her voice I had to get home. I still hear the words as she fought back breaking down. ‘We have to go. We have to get there!’ I remember having thought, ‘He seems better. He seems more like himself.’ My dad was back. Boy, was I wrong.”
‘I love you, sweetie. I’ll call you Friday.’ Those words will forever haunt me. I received a call from my mom when school ended. ‘This is the hardest thing I’ll ever tell you.’ I fell to the floor.’
‘I told her, ‘I’m looking for a ‘suit.’ He’s an ex-felon, an addict, covered in ink, going through a divorce, currently unemployed. Yeah, No!’ We married just 3 months later.’
“I clicked into his profile. ‘Hi.’ His response was, ‘Who is this?’ He would disappear for long periods of time – sometimes years – and no one knew if he was alive or dead. Just 6 days after meeting him, I was on pins and needles. I finally called. When he answered, I could hear the difference in his voice. I’m telling you, he was magic.”
‘You catch this baby, or I will.’ My son’s father fainted. He woke up, saw our newborn, then left to smoke. He returned smelling of cheap beer and cigarettes.’
“‘I’m taking our son,’ he said. It was snowing and he was wasted. ‘He will not take my child like this.’ My grandmother walked in from church. ‘Take my son and lock yourself in your room!,’ I screamed. He got in his car and sped off, fish-tailing down the snow-covered road. Hours later, he returned.”
‘You’re an angel,’ he said to me after a night of being told I was worthless. The sun started to shine through the window, it reeked of booze and I had yet to sleep. I wanted to be that ‘angel.’
“My grandma passed away, and everything came crumbling down around me. I was alone. I needed him more than anything now. I needed his support, I needed him to hold me and listen to the speech I had prepared for her funeral. Instead, he did the exact opposite. ‘I need space,’ he said. SPACE?!”
‘It finally happened. I was introduced as her ‘new Grandma.’ My heart was so full. This is what I’d been missing for so long.’
“I thought, ‘Well, what the heck.’ A lovely young lady messaged me. Turns out, her girls needed a grandma in their lives just as much as I needed grandbabies to love. She has struggles she is unable to disclose to her own mom, so I have become her confidant. All I ever wanted to be is a good mom, and an even better Grandma.”
‘My son got into trouble. He was missing for days and taken into custody. There were countless sleepless nights. I wasn’t sure how I’d make it until morning. But, I did. I would be okay.’
“I was confronted by a family member with two large garbage bags. It was a relief I’d finally been caught. I’d wonder how I had gotten a fat lip and had blood all over my face, the night before team pictures for my 5-year-old’s soccer team.”
‘I can’t take the way my dad watches me get dressed. I need to leave,’ I told my friends. A man near us was listening. He was wearing an NYPD shirt. He said he would help me.’
“The man came over, introduced himself and told us he was a police officer. I was scared. My dad was old and I was his caregiver, so I didn’t want to press charges. I just needed to make things better. This man listened. I mean, really listened. I stayed out with him later than usual.”
‘I’ll give you a 6-pack if you meet with me and drive around.’ I said, ‘Ok, I’ll be back later tonight.’ My heart was racing thinking about getting into a car with a man I don’t know. But I was desperate.’
“I can still feel the chilly air on my face. All I really wanted to do was go home. ‘Why did I get myself into this?,’ I thought. We stopped at hotels. He tried to force me, but I was able to push him off and say ‘no’ enough times. He was nice enough to stop.”
‘Daddy, why does mommy sleep all the time now?’ Things I swore I’d never do, I started doing. ‘Mommy, you asked us the same questions three times!’ My husband begged me.’
“While Carl was out of town, I called him, but I don’t even remember. I knew I’d scared him. He’d felt helpless thousands of miles away while I was home with the kids. For the first time ever, I felt selfish.”
‘He crept in my room when my mother was working. My stepdad said she wanted me to do ‘those things’ to make him happy in her absence. I was afraid. I could trust no one.’
“I was told I was ‘Pretty for a big girl.’ Because I was overweight, I thought that would keep me safe. If I stayed fat, no one would want to touch me. My grandparents would ask me questions. Of course I denied it.”
