“Despite the odds, the ‘treatment’ was unsuccessful. Our little fighter continued to grow. Something in my gut didn’t feel right about a second injection, so I refused. I pushed her to keep looking. ‘Wait, what’s that?’ The doctor turned back towards the screen. I saw our little baby for the first time. I instantly wept.”
‘David and I have been pregnant 8 times. ‘I just took a pregnancy test. It’s positive.’ I sat on the toilet staring at the positive test until my legs went numb. This was not a part of our plan.’
‘Is it normal to hate your baby?’ I was desperately begging for God to kill her. What’s wrong with me? I was terrified of what I would do to her.’
“I decided I would talk to my OBGYN when I went for my next check up. Little did I know, I wouldn’t be able to make it until then.”
‘I felt like I was the only person I knew who was experiencing anxiety. So, why is it something no one wants to talk about?’
I stopped saying, ‘I’ll take care of myself when’ and started saying, ‘I’m taking care of myself because I deserve all of the love for myself that I share with others.’
‘I had to leave my 5-month pregnant wife behind. I was completely alone. ‘Am I cut out to be a dad?’ I showered and climbed into bed. Then it began. ‘THUMP, THUMP.’
“‘Does she even miss me? Is my wife going to love me after this long separation? Would I be able to provide for my family?’ My heart started beating louder. LOUDER. I started sweating profusely. It was 4 a.m. I began to panic.”
‘At first, Mickey’s grooming was very subtle. I knew it was something I just had to deal with. He granted me a new home and this was my life now.’
“When I cut my hair short she said, ‘Only old women and dykes have their hair short.’ There is no doubt in my mind that any disclosure would have only solidified her disgust with me.”
‘On my son’s birthday, I laid on the floor, belly-down, to force myself not to hyperventilate. Minutes later, I rejoined the party with a smile on my face. There was no time to not be fine.’
“My clean house said I was fine. My well-dressed kids said I was fine. In reality, I couldn’t properly form sentences and my stomach was swelling from the medication.”
‘Please don’t blame yourself mom. I LOVE YOU! I’m now looking down on you. LOOK UP. I SEE YOU.’ These were the last words my son wrote the day he took his own life.’
“I received a frantic phone call. He asked me to come home immediately. He was standing in the driveway looking very frazzled. He asked me to hug him. I asked him what was wrong. ‘You know the one thing you told me never to do?’ I was confused. ‘What are you talking about Jordan, what have you done?'”
‘My father secretly recorded videos of me naked. I wanted nothing but my mother’s love and support. ‘Get out of my house,’ she told me.’
“I wouldn’t allow him to have power over me any longer. I stood up and walked out of the house. No one followed, no one cared. I had angels flying over me that night.”
‘I blankly looked at the doctor. ‘What does this mean?’ He replied, ‘Hope you don’t go deaf.’ They gave me a discharge note. ‘I could drop dead at any time.’
“Would you ever think a blood clot could save your life? My phone dinged with a new email from the lab, I nervously signed in and opened the attachment. ‘No way!’ I shouted out loud, was I reading this right?”
‘I was over 600 pounds. I feared my wife would find me dead of a heart attack. I had two choices: lose weight or die.’
“I couldn’t walk more than a few hundred feet. People avoided me in public, as if being overweight was contagious. One parent used me as a lesson for their kid. ‘Look at him. This is what happens when you don’t eat right,’ she said.”
