“I expected to be handed my baby like I was Beyoncé in a floral garden and the heavens open up. Instead, I felt like a potato cake seagulls were fighting over, one stitching me up, one folding my boob like a hamburger to stuff in my baby’s mouth, and one pressing so hard on my stomach I thought she was going to touch my spine. Yep, didn’t count on that.”
‘Motherhood is really tough.’ You’d think, ‘Well that’s crap.’ Birth was traumatic. As a child of sexual abuse, a traumatic birth can be very re-triggering. I didn’t count on that.’
‘You catch this baby, or I will.’ My son’s father fainted. He woke up, saw our newborn, then left to smoke. He returned smelling of cheap beer and cigarettes.’
“‘I’m taking our son,’ he said. It was snowing and he was wasted. ‘He will not take my child like this.’ My grandmother walked in from church. ‘Take my son and lock yourself in your room!,’ I screamed. He got in his car and sped off, fish-tailing down the snow-covered road. Hours later, he returned.”
‘I had jealousy and hatred for my husband. I imagined him enjoying his 40-minute commute, sipping his hot coffee at his desk, and having adult chats NOT about the color of poo.’
“You’re used to being a high-flying businesswoman, and now you’re sitting on the floor with a load of people who all seem to know the words to ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep!’ I was bloody mad!”
‘My husband told me breast implants would help ‘spice things up’. I was 22 and wanted to feel feminine. I constantly found him viewing pornography, which made me feel undesirable.’
“My joints were swollen and I couldn’t wear my wedding ring anymore. My hair started falling out in chunks that would clog the drain. I figured it was just part of being a new mom and shook it off. No doctor could figure out what was wrong.”
‘You’re definitely pregnant, and farther along than me!’ I was 17. I was only a teenager, how was I going to be a mom?! When I came home, my mom had my bags packed.’
“The baby was coming NOW. My daughter started crowning in the hallway! I was having health issues no one could pin down. Doctors said I ‘wasn’t sick’ and the pain was all in my head. Pediatricians assumed I was a horrible mother with no clue.”
‘You’re an angel,’ he said to me after a night of being told I was worthless. The sun started to shine through the window, it reeked of booze and I had yet to sleep. I wanted to be that ‘angel.’
“My grandma passed away, and everything came crumbling down around me. I was alone. I needed him more than anything now. I needed his support, I needed him to hold me and listen to the speech I had prepared for her funeral. Instead, he did the exact opposite. ‘I need space,’ he said. SPACE?!”
‘You’d be SO MUCH prettier if you lost weight.’ I was 10. My siblings got juice, while I was only offered water. When we got into fights, ‘fatty’ was their low blow.’
“With a disgusted look, my own trainer asked, ‘Why are you SO overweight?’ I felt like I was just punched in my (fat) gut. I cancelled my gym membership and dropped out of high school. Ashamed and embarrassed, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and cry. I always felt in competition with my siblings.”
‘Momma, when are you gonna get better? I miss how you used to be.’ I could no longer lift her up. I didn’t have the guts to tell her there’s no cure.’
“I was walking down the sidewalk when I suddenly felt like my body was struck by lightning. My legs grew heavier with each step. All I could think was, ‘Something is very wrong.’ Nothing like this had ever happened before. The scariest part is fearing every day that I’ve passed it onto my daughter.”
“He told me to unblock my ex’s number. At 2 a.m., he messaged me. ‘I know I’m not supposed to be talking to you, but I wanted to reach out to see how you were doing.’
“I came home from school. No one was home. I went up to my room, and opened my window. ‘If I jump, who would even miss me?’ All of a sudden, I was overcome with emotions. ‘My beautiful daughter, do not do this.'”
‘I was sitting in a hotel room. I had on a tight black dress, listening to my client say what ‘he wants to do.’ My gut was screaming to leave, but if I left, there is no money, and my ‘boss’ will be upset.’
“I begged my loving and supportive parents to please take me home. I begged and pleaded with my dad and promised I’d be good. But there were 11 charges, and a few were felonies. Bail was set at a million dollars.”