“I remember finally getting the energy to shower, a place where I’d feel so tired that I’d read the shower bottles and stare into space while the water hit my back. I was a zombie. My husband came in and said, ‘It’s time to feed him,’ and I cried.”
‘Mothers don’t shower often. Especially new mothers. When we say this stuff, we are met with horror. But it is the truth.’
‘Two women wanted to help us create the family we had always wanted. The funny thing is – we never asked them. They asked US.’
“My first comment was, ‘We need to hire some staff!!!’ I actually almost fainted. The nurse had to bring me a glass of water before we could even attend to Danielle, who now realized she was carrying twins!”
‘She came running into the house screaming. ‘What? What is it?’ ‘Outside.’ She pointed to the open front door. ‘Daddy. The bird.’ I picked her up, and she buried her head into me sobbing.’
“‘Okay, let’s go look.’ She was hesitant, but tiptoed out to the porch. ‘What’s going on out here?,’ I asked, still confused. ‘There are babies! He killed the babies!’ The look on my face turned from confusion to horror. ‘What?’ I snapped my head towards my husband.”
‘Ten weeks. That’s when I found out I was having twins. 11 weeks, when I was guaranteed I wouldn’t be having twins. ‘Baby B is not going to make it. You’re putting Baby A in serious jeopardy.’
“They must’ve thought I was crazy. I didn’t cry. I didn’t even hardly react, other than to adamantly stick with my gut. I was pregnant with 2 LIVING babies. I sure as hell wasn’t going to just cut the cord because it sounded like a good idea.”
‘I received a message. My entire body began shaking. To the woman who called me SICK for talking about my children who died, my heart hurts for you.’
“You need to get past this, it’s so sick. Please, please get help. It’s so sick. Lay them to rest and move on. Get therapy but don’t drag your husband and child through this. So so sick. Please stop.”
‘The best course of action will be to do a total hysterectomy,’ the doctor said, staring at me. ‘But I’m only 29!,’ I gasped in disbelief.’
“Well, unfortunately we have to do it now. I’d call your husband. If he starts now, he might get here just in time. Now hop in the shower and give yourself a good scrub with this soap.”
‘My eyes darted back and forth as I tried to make sense of where I was. As the fog lifted inside my head, I vaguely remembered bits and pieces of the day before, events that changed my life.’
“While I lay on the operating table, my husband sat in the waiting room, wondering if he would lose all three children and his wife in one day. As he overheard the doctors, one word stood out.”
‘Babies ruin bodies.’ The body I worked hard for, to eat next to nothing, to exercise any indulgence out of, would all go to waste once I decided to get pregnant.’
“Loose skin, stretched skin, white lines. Abdominal separation, prolapses, third degree tears and cesarean scars. Weight gain and weight loss. Wider hips, bigger breasts. It’s all there. A body that is a far cry from what it was. ‘Babies ruin bodies’”
‘My husband said we should schedule a vasectomy. I remember laughing. I’m 36, I’ve been off birth control 10 years, we’ve never even had 1 positive pregnancy test! Fast forward 1 month later.’
“The doctor walked in. She didn’t have any expression on her face. I told her about our 3rd adoption being final just 1 month before, and that my husband joked he should get a vasectomy. She looked up from her computer. ‘Well, it’s too late.'”
‘I’ve actually heard my Grandkids calculating which Grandparent they can hit up for which toys for maximum impact. Our little angels are fully aware of our weakness.’
“When my girls were little, my parents doted on them shamelessly. Over-the-top-please-stop-you’re-ruining-my-kids doting. It made me nuts, but now I get it.”
