“You noticed when she started to lose her desire for hanky panky. We don’t need you to lie or pretend that our current reality is different than it is. We just want to be noticed.”
‘Tell the truth. When you were dating your wife, and she got so comfortable that she started to pack on the pounds, you noticed.’
‘She’s fat. It’s a good thing she’s nice. Otherwise, no one would pay attention to her.’ They both giggled and left the restroom. I stayed in the stall, frozen. I knew I needed to blend in.’
“I became aware that I was different from the other perfect, small, blonde girls. So, I hid my glasses, grew my hair out, and started dressing better. I realized I needed to walk tall, shift my shoulders back, and smile to draw any and all attention away from the rest of my body.”
‘Dear fat woman on vacation, you looked gorgeous as you and your husband got on stage for a couples’ contest. I could tell you are outgoing. I was excited to see you kick butt.’
“Then it was announced the competition involved the husbands picking up their wives. My heart stopped for a moment. There was no way your husband was going to be able to lift you. You tried to leave the stage. Then it was your turn.”
Boy grows hair to donate to kids in need: ‘What are you doing in the boy’s bathroom? You look like a GIRL!’ One parent asked, ‘Is that a boy? That is such irresponsible parenting!’ His hair was long and angelic. I never understood.’
“No matter what he wore, he was mistaken as a girl by strangers. Even in his Spider Man costume, someone said, ‘Oh she’s so cute!’ I got used to correcting people. One day, I was called into the principal’s office.”
‘I had to tell them. ‘Your dad died by suicide.’ Words I knew would change their lives forever. Words no child should hear. I had to be honest with them. I was terrified.’
“My husband of 16 years. My best friend. The father to my 9 and 12-year-old beautiful boys. He left that morning for work. He never came home. I never saw his beautiful smile again. He just never came home.”
‘One person told me, ‘Your stomach is so nasty. How can you be confident and sexy when you look like that? Take care of that mess of a body.’ Those harsh words stick. Ugly. Fat. Worthless.’
“Out of nowhere, I was being told I should ‘lose the baby weight’ so I could get back to the way things were before. WHAT? How I was before? Before what?”
‘Oh wow, my thighs look huge in these jeans. After you have an eating disorder, they say you’ll never be normal again.’
“The next five minutes I spent trying to change the illusion of what I had just seen, pulling up the waist of my dark jeans a little higher, smoothing out the denim hoping that may give the twins a slimmer appearance. I pulled on the hem of my sweater a bit, pulling it down a little further than the widest part of my thighs, hoping once again to give a thinner illusion.”
‘I thought, ‘How is THIS nothing to worry about?’ The walls were closing in. Everything turned black and I couldn’t move my body. ‘It’s common for college students to be under a lot of stress.’
“I decided to request one specific blood test; one that was much harder to receive than it should have been. I had to basically force my doctor to test me. One week later, I was finally given the answer I had been longing so badly for.”
‘It started innocent. I figured I’d skip a few meals, run more. I never imagined the horrible, disgusting things I’d do to myself. I had only wanted to lose 15 pounds.’
“At first, it was run-of-the-mill diet talk. ‘Cut carbs! No dairy!’ Then I saw picture upon picture of skin-and-bone bodies. I was repulsed and intrigued. Soon enough, I started feeling guilty if I wasn’t cutting out meals. I spent hours a day fantasizing about food. I’d cry in the mirror as I plugged calories into my food journal.”
‘I couldn’t hide the huge bumps on my face. I felt hideous. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I genuinely HATED what I saw.’
“A friend told me, ‘You must not be trying hard enough. Do you wash your face at all?’ For years, I didn’t leave the house. He would offer to take me on dates. My answer was always the same. ‘No.’ I became obsessed.”
