“I always knew there was something wrong. ‘I’m not sick, I don’t need to take medication.’ It would intensify. I had so many questions. Why wasn’t she like other moms? Why were there times she wasn’t there? Why did she sleep so much? Why did her emotions change so drastically? All the built-up emotions from my childhood hit me like a ton of bricks.”
‘Why is Mami in the hospital?’ She’d turn manic. It was like walking on eggshells.’: Young woman recounts growing up with mom battling bipolar disorder, ‘days without sleeping’
‘I no longer speak to my mom. Every day, I wonder about her. I look in the mirror and see her staring back. But I have to choose me over her.’
“Every day, I’m reminded that I’ve never felt the love of a mom. I know if I open the door to her, she’ll destroy me and all the progress I’ve made. I’m hurt and sad, but I’m also better off. You do not need to have a toxic person in your life just because you share DNA.”
‘He caught me off guard. ‘Let’s meet.’ Weeks later, the inevitable happened. My fairy tale was under attack. My sorority sisters called the police, who brought me to the hospital. It’s all hazy.’
“I started to see signs all around me. It seemed as though clues were everywhere and everyone was in on it. I had no words, but the real me was crying out, ‘What is going on?!’ I couldn’t explain what was happening to me. My mind was stripped of everything.”
‘Since my divorce, I’ve seen a plastic surgeon every month. Not for Botox. I had to face what I’d done with every shower, every decision to wear short sleeves or a bathing suit.’
“I had surprised my family with it. My husband told me he loved what I’d done to myself, but what he didn’t tell me was that he was having an affair. I often wonder what he must’ve felt when he saw his name on my wrist and knew he was lying.”
‘There’s no quick fix. There WILL always be a next panic attack, a next day of self-harm or cloud of doubt. I started to feel I wasn’t enough for him. I couldn’t pray away the dark times.’
“There’s nothing I want more than to see his beautiful smile. But part of being in love with someone struggling with mental health is dealing with the ugly. It’s true what they say. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. But there’s also a damn dimmer switch in that tunnel too.”
‘I told him I wasn’t ready to have a baby with him. He didn’t care and messed with my birth control. ‘We’re going to be together for the rest of our lives,’ he said. Needless to say, I got pregnant.’
“Things started to take a darker turn. I wasn’t allowed to go outside alone. He spread lies to my friends and family. When I gave birth, he wouldn’t let me see my child. He called 911 saying I was a danger to the baby. He got full custody.”
‘No matter how badly I want to stop my son’s addiction, I can’t. I finally had to walk away. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.’ Mom’s heart ‘aches’ for homeless son battling addiction
“Within 48 hours, he was out of my house with his bicycle and backpack. I lie awake at night wondering if my son is in a safe place, if he is eating, if he’s warm. I cry for him every time I think or talk about him for more than a few minutes. My heart aches. Knowing he is now a homeless, unemployed drug addict is the most terrifying thing I have ever dealt with.”
‘Miss, I have your father’s autopsy results,’ the coroner said. ‘He felt absolutely nothing.’ I quickly asked, ‘It wasn’t an overdose?!’ ‘No drugs were detected, ma’am.’ I cried hysterically.’
“‘We can’t reach him,’ he said. My grandpa was at my dad’s apartment trying to get in. Police arrived. ‘Do we have permission to break in?’ The officer kicked the door down. ‘Dad!,’ my sister screamed. A police officer held our grandpa back. ‘Dana wake him up, get him up!’ All she could say was, ‘Grandpa, I am so sorry.'”
‘I was extremely nervous to tell her. Without missing a beat she replied, ‘That doesn’t change anything for me. I want to be with you.’
“I was so afraid of being found out and hospitalized, I hid my feelings. After a half hour of awkward stuttering, I finally spit it out by saying I understood if she didn’t want to continue this relationship.”
‘I was taken in a police car. Alone, I sat in a room overnight. An old friend and unexpected flame circled back into my life. I hesitated to connect with him because of my illness. I wasn’t myself.’
“The next morning, though I was states away, he was waiting in visitation for me in the hospital. I saw the pain in his eyes. When it would have been easy to notice only the illness, he saw me. Even in the darkness, he had hope.”
