“It rips my heart out that I had to finally walk away. Within 48 hours, he was out of my house with his bicycle and backpack. I couldn’t bear the chaos any longer. I fear I will get that phone call or knock on the door telling me my son is dead.”
‘I drove to Starbucks and wondered if this bike was my 43-year-old son’s. He was arrested, lost his job and wife, and is homeless. Everywhere I go, every corner I turn, I wonder where he is.’
‘You’d be SO MUCH prettier if you lost weight.’ I was 10. My siblings got juice, while I was only offered water. When we got into fights, ‘fatty’ was their low blow.’
“With a disgusted look, my own trainer asked, ‘Why are you SO overweight?’ I felt like I was just punched in my (fat) gut. I cancelled my gym membership and dropped out of high school. Ashamed and embarrassed, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and cry. I always felt in competition with my siblings.”
‘I was extremely nervous to tell her. Without missing a beat she replied, ‘That doesn’t change anything for me. I want to be with you.’
“I was so afraid of being found out and hospitalized, I hid my feelings. After a half hour of awkward stuttering, I finally spit it out by saying I understood if she didn’t want to continue this relationship.”
‘I gave birth to my son while high on methamphetamine. I wish I could tell you I sobered up, but I did not. We were joined at the hip. We were both addicts, but wanted to be sober.’
“I was so afraid. I just knew CPS was going to take him, but a miracle happened. He was born completely clean. No drugs in his system. He was perfectly healthy. Neal and I cried and cried. We went home that following Monday and swore we would stay sober.”
‘Get in the car,’ my mom forcefully tells me. My mind is racing. Turning me into jail? Where are we going? The drive feels like an eternity.’ She parks. ‘Do you see this place?,’ she chokes out.’
“I had an urge. I was terrified. I went to the only place I knew I was safe. She was asleep. I stood by her crib and stared at the greatest gift I had ever been given, my beautiful baby girl. As I looked at her, tears flooded out of me. That night, she saved my life.”
‘Help me get daddy out!,’ she begged. ‘He won’t like being dirty.’ I took her to see his grave. She started digging up the dirt, crying her little heart out. We sobbed until we had no more tears to cry.’
“She was 3. That was the last time I took her to his grave. She told me her ‘heart hurt too’ much and she didn’t want to go back. She asks if our family can die and ‘be a star in the sky with daddy.’ I go straight into Mommy mode and reassure her we can’t be stars. It’s not our time.”
‘I constantly thought to myself ‘Ashley what the f*ck are you doing? You have no business being a mother.’ I told my family I was okay. I couldn’t let anybody know I wanted to die.’
“My husband wanted love, and I wanted to be left alone. I just wanted to stay home, cry and hug the toilet. My relationship was over, and I lost it.”
‘There are police officers in the hall. ‘I want them to hurt me, mommy! I want them to kill me with their guns!’ He started crying and hitting himself in the head.’
“‘I think he’s manic,’ I say. ‘His moods are rally erratic and I’m worried.’ The nurse looks at me skeptically. Who am I to know about ‘mania?’ It was stupid to bring him here. He has been through hell.”
‘I was the gift that was traded in exchange. What killed me the most, was pulling my Sunday dress back down and walking out as if nothing had happened. I was 5 years old.’
“I finally ended my silence and told my dad. His response was, ‘I had a feeling that was what was happening.’”
‘At first, Mickey’s grooming was very subtle. I knew it was something I just had to deal with. He granted me a new home and this was my life now.’
“When I cut my hair short she said, ‘Only old women and dykes have their hair short.’ There is no doubt in my mind that any disclosure would have only solidified her disgust with me.”
