“I got a call that my 3-year-old had been left at Disney daycare at 2 a.m. The daycare worker called the police. My husband was a master manipulator. This was the last straw. We fled to another state. One night, I got a knock on my apartment door. The door NO ONE knew where I was. My ex was released from jail 2 days prior. With every being in my bones, I knew it was him.”
‘Call the attorney. Tell her you changed your mind,’ he said with gun-in-hand. I was breathless.’: Husband adopts formerly abused wife’s adult sons after their biological father dies from addiction
‘Why is Mami in the hospital?’ She’d turn manic. It was like walking on eggshells.’: Young woman recounts growing up with mom battling bipolar disorder, ‘days without sleeping’
“I always knew there was something wrong. ‘I’m not sick, I don’t need to take medication.’ It would intensify. I had so many questions. Why wasn’t she like other moms? Why were there times she wasn’t there? Why did she sleep so much? Why did her emotions change so drastically? All the built-up emotions from my childhood hit me like a ton of bricks.”
‘He caught me off guard. ‘Let’s meet.’ Weeks later, the inevitable happened. My fairy tale was under attack. My sorority sisters called the police, who brought me to the hospital. It’s all hazy.’
“I started to see signs all around me. It seemed as though clues were everywhere and everyone was in on it. I had no words, but the real me was crying out, ‘What is going on?!’ I couldn’t explain what was happening to me. My mind was stripped of everything.”
‘No matter how badly I want to stop my son’s addiction, I can’t. I finally had to walk away. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.’ Mom’s heart ‘aches’ for homeless son battling addiction
“Within 48 hours, he was out of my house with his bicycle and backpack. I lie awake at night wondering if my son is in a safe place, if he is eating, if he’s warm. I cry for him every time I think or talk about him for more than a few minutes. My heart aches. Knowing he is now a homeless, unemployed drug addict is the most terrifying thing I have ever dealt with.”
‘You’d be SO MUCH prettier if you lost weight.’ I was 10. My siblings got juice, while I was only offered water. When we got into fights, ‘fatty’ was their low blow.’
“With a disgusted look, my own trainer asked, ‘Why are you SO overweight?’ I felt like I was just punched in my (fat) gut. I cancelled my gym membership and dropped out of high school. Ashamed and embarrassed, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and cry. I always felt in competition with my siblings.”
‘I was extremely nervous to tell her. Without missing a beat she replied, ‘That doesn’t change anything for me. I want to be with you.’
“I was so afraid of being found out and hospitalized, I hid my feelings. After a half hour of awkward stuttering, I finally spit it out by saying I understood if she didn’t want to continue this relationship.”
‘I gave birth to my son while high on methamphetamine. I wish I could tell you I sobered up, but I did not. We were joined at the hip. We were both addicts, but wanted to be sober.’
“I was so afraid. I just knew CPS was going to take him, but a miracle happened. He was born completely clean. No drugs in his system. He was perfectly healthy. Neal and I cried and cried. We went home that following Monday and swore we would stay sober.”
‘Get in the car,’ my mom forcefully tells me. My mind is racing. Turning me into jail? Where are we going? The drive feels like an eternity.’ She parks. ‘Do you see this place?,’ she chokes out.’
“I had an urge. I was terrified. I went to the only place I knew I was safe. She was asleep. I stood by her crib and stared at the greatest gift I had ever been given, my beautiful baby girl. As I looked at her, tears flooded out of me. That night, she saved my life.”
‘Help me get daddy out!,’ she begged. ‘He won’t like being dirty.’ I took her to see his grave. She started digging up the dirt, crying her little heart out. We sobbed until we had no more tears to cry.’
“She was 3. That was the last time I took her to his grave. She told me her ‘heart hurt too’ much and she didn’t want to go back. She asks if our family can die and ‘be a star in the sky with daddy.’ I go straight into Mommy mode and reassure her we can’t be stars. It’s not our time.”
‘I constantly thought to myself ‘Ashley what the f*ck are you doing? You have no business being a mother.’ I told my family I was okay. I couldn’t let anybody know I wanted to die.’
“My husband wanted love, and I wanted to be left alone. I just wanted to stay home, cry and hug the toilet. My relationship was over, and I lost it.”
