“‘I want to build us a van to live in. We can show our kid the world.’ I wish I remembered exactly what he said—I was rage-deaf by that point—but it was something like that. That was the moment I knew we weren’t going to raise this baby.”
‘I’m sitting on my bed, in my teenage bedroom, at my mother’s house. It’s 3 days after I found out I got knocked up by the first guy I ever met from Tinder.’
‘Hear me out, before you say anything.’ Those are the first words I heard. ‘It’s a girl and she’s due next month.’ I could barely speak.’
“My husband cut me off mid-sentence and simply said, ‘Yes, this is our daughter.’ Before we hung up, I could hear him telling everyone around him, ‘I’m going to be a dad.’”
‘They tell us a baby boy has been born in Texas, our home state. They don’t know many details, but ask if we would be interested. I cannot imagine what she must be feeling.’
“The next hour is a blur. She has until 12:30 to make her final decision and she is spending the morning cuddling her sweet boy.”
‘I let out a loud cry and immediately the words ‘I’M GOING TO BE A MOM’ poured out. My husband was in the other room and screamed ‘WHAT!’ We sobbed for hours. We couldn’t believe it.’
“I will never forget the moment our doctor told us. I was terrified what his next response would be. What happened? I broke down in tears. I was a healthy 26 year old. I could not understand.”
‘I was nineteen years old when I found out I was pregnant. I had four priceless days with her. 17 years later I thought to myself— could it be her, after all of this time?’
“In that short time, her adoptive father had pulled her aside and said, ‘Your birth mother is in that room. Would you like to meet her?”
‘You might look at these pictures, and feel uncomfortable. You might think, ‘I could never ‘share’ my child like that.’ She leaves the hospital with empty arms. Open adoption does not equal co-parenting.’
“During her second trimester she sent me emails letting me know about the SpaghettiOs he was making her crave. She gave us a jar of pink and blue candies and made us count every single one to find out if it was a boy or a girl. They gave them life and I am teaching them how to live it.”
‘For us, he was only ever our son. Not our black son or adopted son. Even though most folks find him adorable right now, they might feel differently when he dates their daughters, or walks through the mall with his hoodie on.’
“He was 2 years old when a neighbor at a playgroup asked all the kids to go around the room and say what color they were. They all laughed when it was Eli’s turn, and he said he was white like everyone else did. They made sure he left knowing he wasn’t.”
‘You have been chosen by a birth mom. She is due in 9 days.’ I was listening with my mouth wide open, staring at my husband. He was wondering what in the world is happening.’
“It was one of the first things I brought up before we got married. I distinctly remember telling him, ‘Look, I want to have a lot of kids, so if you’re ok with that, then you can marry me.’”
It would be 23 months of long, intensive research, intensive therapies 4 days a week, trial and error, and prayers before I heard my son finally say ‘mama.’
“We were told in the beginning that his autism was severe, he would never talk, and would likely be completely dependent on us for everything.”
‘The woman next to me in this photo is the birth mother to 2 of our 3 children. Our relationship is unconventional and odd to most.’
“Pffft. You are effing crazy if you think I’m going to do that. I absolutely will NOT befriend them. It’s unforgivable, inhumane, and downright impossible to forgive ADULTS who do the sort of things that put them in the situations they are in. They don’t deserve my empathy.”
