“‘Why would she feel bad?,’ I asked. It was in that moment, I knew I would never have to worry about Emma missing a piece of her heart. It never left her. Unlike her younger siblings, she has two daddies that love her. Her daddy here at home, and her daddy in heaven.”
‘Good job Mommy. You came just in time.’ I asked her why. She replied, ‘I didn’t want Addison to feel bad that I have two daddies, and she only has one.’
‘I showed my daughter a birth video to prepare for the arrival of her little brother. ‘Mommy, can we watch another one?’ She now requests birth videos almost daily.’
“Most children develop an obsession at some point. They have a favorite animal or sport. My daughter Kaeleigh explores twin births, outdoor births, water births, and midwives on YouTube.”
‘You can’t do it, don’t touch him!,’ she’d scream at me. He was alive. I wanted to meet him. I blacked out after. I died and woke up in the ICU.’
“It was not over yet. This time it was different. This time CPS came to visit me. She told me I was mentally unstable, and there was an open investigation. My whole world flipped upside down. I begged to not let this happen.”
‘My mama’s baby is going to come out of her crotch and it’s going to hurt! Then it’s going to eat milk from her boobies!’ My younger mom-self would have died. But, she’s not WRONG.’
“We were out shopping when an older woman approached me about my 5 kiddos. I’ve never minded the curiosity. After asking all of their ages, I said, ‘And another one on the way!’ Then, one of my 3-year-old twins had some extra information to share.”
‘There is no rush. They may never get to do this again, holding their baby like this.’ As we admired him, there was a quiet heaviness. He looked different. My husband already knew.’
“As we calmly talked on that moon-lit drive, he said something to me I’ll never forget. He broke a short silence. ‘If anyone would be trusted with a special-needs child, it would be you. You have the grace and the patience to do this.’”
‘What’s the point?,’ I overheard in the corner of the room. I was laboring alone. My husband and I’s marriage was in shambles at that point.’
“‘And you continued the pregnancy anyways?,’ he said in a shocked and condescending tone, as he shook his head. My living unicorn was born with a full head of hair, and a palpable will to live. There wasn’t a dry eye in that delivery room.”
‘Do you know where you are?’ I shook my head yes. ‘Do you know who I am?’ Yes, I nodded, grabbing his wedding band. Then, Jeremy left the room. I coded 3 more times.’
“‘Do you know who Lisa and Jerry are?’ Again, I nodded yes. I recognized my parents’ names. ‘Do you know who Jamee and Isabella are?’ I couldn’t recall. The names seemed foreign. My own children.”
‘I have to take him and run!’ We were worried, but he was perfect. 10 fingers, 10 toes, a head full of black hair. I thought, ‘There’s no way. She’s crazy.’
“My baby didn’t look like my baby. You know that feeling where you’re so shocked you could cry, but nothing comes out? That’s where I was. I was stuck between wanting to crumble to the ground in disbelief, and wanting to smile because my baby made it.”
‘He was just gone. I came home one night to the apartment my boyfriend and I shared to find everything was missing. He terminated our lease and emptied our joint bank account.’
“Just a few weeks later, I woke up one morning feeling ‘different.’ I really can’t explain it, because it didn’t make any sense. But something in me, knew. I sat shaking with a pregnancy test in my hands. My body was barely functioning. But against all odds, two pink lines appeared.”
‘We have a baby who cries for hours, with a mysterious rash. Bright red, with a distinct swirl-like pattern. We had fallen under the radar, but my mama instinct knew we were dealing with more.’
“We were prepared to keep pushing until we were satisfied! Then she paused. ‘Unfortunately I have something else very important to tell you.’ I looked over at Dane, unable to speak. His face was so pale I thought he was going to pass out. My heart now felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.”
