“People question ‘why was he allowed to graduate with that kind of average?’ or ‘he is barely able to read and write, how did he pass?’ The thing is, he tried and kept trying. We never scolded him, never made him feel like he did not know anything. We never made him feel bad about himself.”
‘I’m ok to keep repeating until I pass.’ This is my adopted brother. His mother died of lupus; his father has a new family now. He’d need to repeat 6th grade.’
‘Zane got a call from a fellow soldier. He knew a young woman who was expecting a baby. She wanted a loving family for him. ‘We might be getting a baby!’ I was stunned, ecstatic, and terrified.’
“The day finally arrived. The doctor opened the door, popped his head in and said, ‘How about Monday?’ I glanced over to see her expression. ‘Sounds good!’ On the inside I was doing a full-blown happy dance. My thoughts were screaming, ‘That’s MY birthday!!! His birthday is going to be MY birthday!’”
‘I opened the door and saw a man holding flowers. ‘I have a delivery for Nikki,’ he said. I instantly turned to my husband, assuming they were from him. Except, they weren’t. I could tell by the confused look on his face.’
“‘Who are they from?,’ I asked. He so matter of factly said, ‘Your Mom.’ But my mom has been dead for almost eight years now.”
‘Why can’t we just fly to Heaven and bring her back down?,’ our son asked. We told our kids I had a baby in my belly, but she had a boo-boo on her head, and would not come home with us.’
“I had a strong mom instinct. First thing on Monday morning, I shut my ultrasound door and put the probe on my belly to check out the progress of the baby. Immediately, I knew something was wrong.”
‘I didn’t realize how much I would miss my dad’s handwriting. I didn’t know handwriting could be part of the grieving process. Mourning handwriting? But I did. I still do.’
“I watched him sketch out that second attempt and smile at it. He looked up and said, ‘How’s this one? I think this one is better, don’t you think?’ Maybe he was imagining it actually being tattooed on me and how that would feel, after he was gone.”
‘What is wrong? Is something wrong?’ He didn’t answer me. ‘Chad, seriously, tell me what’s wrong.’ He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and leaned in.’
“He shot back with a look on his face I had never seen before. Fear, maybe. Shock. Panic. Oh God, what was it? The blood left his face. He was pale. Almost confused.”
‘When the stylist asked me what I wanted, I replied ‘Cut it off! Please just cut it off before I lose my nerve.’ Without hesitation, she grabbed the scissors and began to chop.’
“I found myself staring at the reflection of a woman I hardly recognized. Her hair an unkempt mess. Eyes dark and tired. Skin dull and sullen. She looked like she had given up on herself, and in a way, she had.”
‘I’m a Christmas Eve baby. My birthday didn’t have the greatest timing in the eyes of others around me.’
“When I met my husband, do you know what he did on that first birthday we spent together? He wrapped my presents in Christmas wrapping paper. He learned pretty quickly to never do that again. No Santas or snowmen, please.”
‘I begged for you to stay the night, but you said you had to go. I gave you a big hug, not knowing it would be the last. You told me you would see me soon. I believed you.’
“As it hit midnight, I felt this overwhelming urge to call you. I knew something wasn’t right. I fell to the floor in shock. ‘Your sister has taken her life.’ I could not believe you were gone.”
‘Today, you are no longer an actual baby. I’m not sure what the official age cut off is, but in my mind, this is it. This is the moment we turn the page into toddler-hood.’
“These days, I feel lucky if you want to be held for more than a few seconds. You are so busy exploring and playing. You already feel the need to be independent. To do it yourself. To have things your way. Your little baby features are fading away, and I can suddenly see a big boy peeking through.”
