“I watched him sketch out that second attempt and smile at it. He looked up and said, ‘How’s this one? I think this one is better, don’t you think?’ Maybe he was imagining it actually being tattooed on me and how that would feel, after he was gone.”
‘I didn’t realize how much I would miss my dad’s handwriting. I didn’t know handwriting could be part of the grieving process. Mourning handwriting? But I did. I still do.’
‘What is wrong? Is something wrong?’ He didn’t answer me. ‘Chad, seriously, tell me what’s wrong.’ He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and leaned in.’
“He shot back with a look on his face I had never seen before. Fear, maybe. Shock. Panic. Oh God, what was it? The blood left his face. He was pale. Almost confused.”
‘When the stylist asked me what I wanted, I replied ‘Cut it off! Please just cut it off before I lose my nerve.’ Without hesitation, she grabbed the scissors and began to chop.’
“I found myself staring at the reflection of a woman I hardly recognized. Her hair an unkempt mess. Eyes dark and tired. Skin dull and sullen. She looked like she had given up on herself, and in a way, she had.”
‘I’m a Christmas Eve baby. My birthday didn’t have the greatest timing in the eyes of others around me.’
“When I met my husband, do you know what he did on that first birthday we spent together? He wrapped my presents in Christmas wrapping paper. He learned pretty quickly to never do that again. No Santas or snowmen, please.”
‘I begged for you to stay the night, but you said you had to go. I gave you a big hug, not knowing it would be the last. You told me you would see me soon. I believed you.’
“As it hit midnight, I felt this overwhelming urge to call you. I knew something wasn’t right. I fell to the floor in shock. ‘Your sister has taken her life.’ I could not believe you were gone.”
‘Today, you are no longer an actual baby. I’m not sure what the official age cut off is, but in my mind, this is it. This is the moment we turn the page into toddler-hood.’
“These days, I feel lucky if you want to be held for more than a few seconds. You are so busy exploring and playing. You already feel the need to be independent. To do it yourself. To have things your way. Your little baby features are fading away, and I can suddenly see a big boy peeking through.”
‘My worst nightmare was happening. I laid on the OR table gasping for air. ‘Help me! I can’t breathe!’ I stared into my mother’s eyes. I could see the fear written all over her face.’
“A huge splash of fluid hit the curtain in my face. All I could think was, ‘I’m going to die right here. I was born on this day, and I’m going to die on this day giving birth.'”
‘We would take her in a heartbeat, we were really hoping no one would come after her.’ I surprised Bob, for his 80th birthday, with the gift of Sloan.
He mentioned if she ever needed company or a place to visit, she was welcome at their home anytime. ‘We’ll be here waiting!’ he said.
‘My son was 4 days away from 8 months old. Never one health concern, happy and brighter than the sun itself. I was in total bliss. Then, just like that, it was gone.’
“I remember running into the ER asking about my son in between sobs. The doctor came in, looked me in the eyes and said, ‘I’m sorry.’”
‘We had just been to Disney celebrating her birthday. She got a magical princess makeover. Little did we know she was practicing to be a Princess in Heaven a few days later.’
“She threw up and had a fever. I took her to her doctor. She was so lethargic. We were told it is just a stomach virus – 20 hours later she was dead.”
