“Every day, I’m reminded that I’ve never felt the love of a mom. I know if I open the door to her, she’ll destroy me and all the progress I’ve made. I’m hurt and sad, but I’m also better off. You do not need to have a toxic person in your life just because you share DNA.”
‘I no longer speak to my mom. Every day, I wonder about her. I look in the mirror and see her staring back. But I have to choose me over her.’
‘He caught me off guard. ‘Let’s meet.’ Weeks later, the inevitable happened. My fairy tale was under attack. My sorority sisters called the police, who brought me to the hospital. It’s all hazy.’
“I started to see signs all around me. It seemed as though clues were everywhere and everyone was in on it. I had no words, but the real me was crying out, ‘What is going on?!’ I couldn’t explain what was happening to me. My mind was stripped of everything.”
‘Since my divorce, I’ve seen a plastic surgeon every month. Not for Botox. I had to face what I’d done with every shower, every decision to wear short sleeves or a bathing suit.’
“I had surprised my family with it. My husband told me he loved what I’d done to myself, but what he didn’t tell me was that he was having an affair. I often wonder what he must’ve felt when he saw his name on my wrist and knew he was lying.”
‘There’s no quick fix. There WILL always be a next panic attack, a next day of self-harm or cloud of doubt. I started to feel I wasn’t enough for him. I couldn’t pray away the dark times.’
“There’s nothing I want more than to see his beautiful smile. But part of being in love with someone struggling with mental health is dealing with the ugly. It’s true what they say. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. But there’s also a damn dimmer switch in that tunnel too.”
‘I told him I wasn’t ready to have a baby with him. He didn’t care and messed with my birth control. ‘We’re going to be together for the rest of our lives,’ he said. Needless to say, I got pregnant.’
“Things started to take a darker turn. I wasn’t allowed to go outside alone. He spread lies to my friends and family. When I gave birth, he wouldn’t let me see my child. He called 911 saying I was a danger to the baby. He got full custody.”
‘You’d be SO MUCH prettier if you lost weight.’ I was 10. My siblings got juice, while I was only offered water. When we got into fights, ‘fatty’ was their low blow.’
“With a disgusted look, my own trainer asked, ‘Why are you SO overweight?’ I felt like I was just punched in my (fat) gut. I cancelled my gym membership and dropped out of high school. Ashamed and embarrassed, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and cry. I always felt in competition with my siblings.”
‘I was taken in a police car. Alone, I sat in a room overnight. An old friend and unexpected flame circled back into my life. I hesitated to connect with him because of my illness. I wasn’t myself.’
“The next morning, though I was states away, he was waiting in visitation for me in the hospital. I saw the pain in his eyes. When it would have been easy to notice only the illness, he saw me. Even in the darkness, he had hope.”
‘In a sleepy daze, I vividly remember hearing them say, ‘We’re done, it worked. There’s one heartbeat and here’s the other. Jade, you did it!’ They are our Warrior Princesses.’
“The doctor said, ‘Twins!’ I was told, ‘This is going to be a very high-risk pregnancy.’ We were presented with two options. I was informed, ‘This could take the lives of your girls.'”
‘Nurses told me to ‘Not be so dramatic.’ I tried to get help from teachers, police officers, neighbors, but nobody listened. I cried, ‘He’s hurting me, help me!’ I was sent home the next morning.’
“By 27 years old we had 2 beautiful boys and a baby girl. We were married, living well and happy. I was baking cupcakes and going on field trips – I was exactly who I thought I should be. Then it happened.”
‘My parents knew I suffered abuse. ‘It is not that bad, she will get over it.’ I was alone. Because they doubted me, I started to doubt myself.’
“After another traumatic pregnancy, it hit me like a truck. I loved her so much, but I kept looking at her and thinking, ‘how could you?’ I always thought if I had a baby girl, I would make sure nothing happened to her, like it did to me. But the moment I held her, I realized I couldn’t keep that promise.”
