“I was holding on to some slender chance that the ultrasound tech was mistaken. I was afraid of having a little girl because of my mother. It would be impossible to have a relationship with my daughter. I was terrified.”
‘The ultrasound said, ‘It’s a girl!’ I cried on the way home and tried to hide my disappointment. I felt so guilty I couldn’t bond with her in the womb. My dream fell apart before my eyes.’
‘My husband told me breast implants would help ‘spice things up’. I was 22 and wanted to feel feminine. I constantly found him viewing pornography, which made me feel undesirable.’
“My joints were swollen and I couldn’t wear my wedding ring anymore. My hair started falling out in chunks that would clog the drain. I figured it was just part of being a new mom and shook it off. No doctor could figure out what was wrong.”
‘It started innocent. I figured I’d skip a few meals, run more. I never imagined the horrible, disgusting things I’d do to myself. I had only wanted to lose 15 pounds.’
“At first, it was run-of-the-mill diet talk. ‘Cut carbs! No dairy!’ Then I saw picture upon picture of skin-and-bone bodies. I was repulsed and intrigued. Soon enough, I started feeling guilty if I wasn’t cutting out meals. I spent hours a day fantasizing about food. I’d cry in the mirror as I plugged calories into my food journal.”
‘Just a few more pounds, then I’ll stop. 140. 135. Just a few more. 115 pounds. Will I ever stop?’
“She looked me straight in the eyes and said, ‘Do you ever worry about dying? You are slowly killing yourself.’ The words cut right through me. She was right.”
‘I cost my parents thousands of dollars in medical bills because I was not ready to admit my problem’: Woman overcomes severe eating disorders after finally admitting sexual assault
“When I was 13 I was sexually assaulted and hid it from my family. I gained more than 100 pounds to hide myself from the truth I didn’t want to believe. I was so bitter and angry for so long, but I survived each version of myself, and I’m better for it.”
