“I watched him sketch out that second attempt and smile at it. He looked up and said, ‘How’s this one? I think this one is better, don’t you think?’ Maybe he was imagining it actually being tattooed on me and how that would feel, after he was gone.”
‘I didn’t realize how much I would miss my dad’s handwriting. I didn’t know handwriting could be part of the grieving process. Mourning handwriting? But I did. I still do.’
‘She came running into the house screaming. ‘What? What is it?’ ‘Outside.’ She pointed to the open front door. ‘Daddy. The bird.’ I picked her up, and she buried her head into me sobbing.’
“‘Okay, let’s go look.’ She was hesitant, but tiptoed out to the porch. ‘What’s going on out here?,’ I asked, still confused. ‘There are babies! He killed the babies!’ The look on my face turned from confusion to horror. ‘What?’ I snapped my head towards my husband.”
‘I wish I could prepare you for the news you’ll receive just hours after snapping this blissful picture. I know you’ve been worried about the size of your happy baby’s belly.’
“He’s such a happy, calm baby. He’s never been sick, so you know there has to be an easy solution to whatever is causing his belly to appear big… A simple solution that may bring a few small moments of fear and discomfort, but after that, all will be fine.”
‘I walked to the balcony in a rage of frustration. ‘Jump,’ I said to myself. ‘Just do it, no one loves you, you don’t even love yourself, do it.’
“As I put my leg over the rail wanting to end my life, a soft, still breeze swung upon my head. The breeze brought me to my mother’s empty coffee cup, sitting half drunk on the table. I love you Josh,’ my mom said, kissing me.”
‘She and her brother are both adopted, so we couldn’t even do a half match! That call was devastating. How could we come this far and not have any matches?! We felt hopeless.’
“We searched for weeks, and came up empty handed. I remember so vividly sitting in the waiting room thinking this is just a bad dream and we would wake up!”
‘The doctor is in his Battle Dress Uniform and is straddling me on the exam table. The surgeon told me, ‘you have the best cancer.’ I would learn later how wrong he was.’
“We lived on a military base where my husband was assigned as an active duty Marine. On a day which had started just like every other day of my life, my life changed forever.”
‘I couldn’t sleep laying down anymore, I couldn’t laugh without gasping for air. I was dying. I was 22 and writing a will in case anything happened to me.’
“I was so busy moving forward I wasn’t even aware my mind was stuck. A few months afterward, the actual nightmares began. I would try to sleep and flashbacks and memories bombarded me. I cried every night for weeks. I knew I needed help.”
‘I went to my doctor to get an ultrasound of my abdomen. The results sent my world into a spiral. I was in complete shock. Was this the end for me?’
“We all have that inner voice that tells us when something is wrong. Something in your gut. Mine was saying this news wasn’t going to be good. The gynecologist came in, sat next to me on the bed, and said, ‘I’m sorry kiddo.'”
‘I walked into his house. When I saw the bags from Victoria’s Secret, I knew what he had in store. It was Valentine’s Day, and it’s pretty obvious what a grown man had on his mind.’
“I gave him the coy smile, in an attempt to be sexy. I probably tried to wink at him, and did my best to slither over to the bed. One long stride in front of the other, knocking my hips from left to right, hoping to look like Marilyn Monroe but most likely – didn’t. He slowly sat down next to me.”
‘She seemed off. Not eating, stomach aches, lying around. The pediatrician basically laughed at Tim, confused why they were there. How did all the doctors miss it?’
“It started with a fever, and then her limp would get bad and she would be up all-night crying and screaming in pain. Eventually she slept in our bed because I couldn’t keep going back and forth to her room. What about our other daughter, Lily?! We were going to have a new baby almost any time! I immediately left the room and sobbed.”
