“When I saw my son-to-be’s date of birth, I choked back tears. To understand why, I need to rewind. My husband was feeling run down. It was sudden and pronounced fatigue, odd for an avid cyclist. At 32 years old, he was fit. We both shrugged it off. I promised our kids we wouldn’t be gone long.”
‘I still remember the text I sent my husband. ‘Do you want TWO babies?’ Boy, girl, black, biracial, a year apart, biologically shared one parent. My voice trailed off.’
‘Your dad is going to die. This is a gut-wrencher. You will adopt a child. He will be your brother – the 4th child your dad has with his new wife.’
“Your dad’s wife will die unexpectedly of a drug overdose, followed by your dad to cancer just days later. Before your dad dies, he will sign over custody to you. You will fight tooth and nail through the courts for this child. This is your rock bottom.”
‘It was 6 a.m. I froze. ‘That’s weird. She never calls this early.’ When I arrived, he kept holding his stomach. Mom’s ALWAYS know what’s wrong, but she couldn’t figure this one out.’
“He didn’t say much. I couldn’t get any words out. He ran up and gave me a light little poke before running away. All I could think was, ‘Why? He’s only 14.'”
‘I got a call from Wyatt’s father. He was rushed to the ER because he was ‘breathing funny.’ My first thought was, ‘Who the heck was Wyatt left alone with?!’ My heart dropped into my stomach.’
“My husband stopped coming home at night. All he would say is, ‘I’m trying to find myself,’ ‘Not sure if I was ready to be a Dad.’ The woman he was having an affair with, I heard a rumor she didn’t have custody of her own children. It was a red flag. I couldn’t ignore this feeling. I had NO idea what I was walking in on.”
‘My friend called and said I had to fertilize my lawn. ‘What?,’ I asked. ‘You know, fertilizer.’ Visions of spreading cow crap bare-handed dance in my head. ‘It’s going to rain tomorrow, so do it today.’
“I said, ‘fine,’ all the while thinking, “this is dumb, this is dumb, this is dumb.’ Yet I realize this is one of those things I have to do now, on my own. So, I sent my daughter to the store to grab a bag, and $25.00 later, I’m ready to go. Or so I thought…”
‘We needed a surrogate and she was 60 years old. My mother-in-law said, ‘Oh, I love being pregnant!’ We laughed at the unrealistic gesture. She couldn’t have a baby, could she?’
“Cele hugged her softly, grabbed her hand, and whispered in her ear, ‘You don’t have to worry about Elliot. I promise to take care of your boy as if he were mine.”
‘A car of teenage boys drove past and yelled out, ‘Ugly, bald b***h.’ I pushed myself back to work. I didn’t want to let anyone down.’
“I started to master the fake smile and the ‘I’m fine’ answer to people’s questions. My body needed a break. And then the cutting began. Kitchen scissors were used.”
‘My sister whispered during one of those many hours, ‘Dad is teaching us how to die.’ The man who named the project suddenly became the subject.’
“We watched him go from a life-loving, bike-riding, wine-drinking, book-writing, word-weaving, soul-enriching mensch, to ashes in a box on my mother’s mantle in some of the shortest, yet longest weeks of my life.”
‘Evil never takes a day off. So, how can I?’ The man of my dreams died a mere 8 months after being diagnosed with this horrible disease. ‘How can this be?,’ the nurse in me kept asking.’
“I begrudgingly shared my email with her. She thought I’d be a good fit for her son, who she said looked like Matt Damon. He walked into my apartment wearing ‘white snake jeans,’ a brown trucker shirt, and black shiny shoes. Obviously, it was not his wardrobe that won me over.”
‘I really messed up Will. I’ll call you soon.’ Nothing prepares you for this. I pulled over and lost it. I look back at conversations I had with my sister and tears run down my cheek.’
“Emily was such a gifted kid. I was the jealous older brother. I always thought she would be going places. Until things changed. We received a large inheritance from our grandmother’s passing. It was like a switch. ‘I never want to see or speak to you again,’ I said to my sister.”
