“Every day I wonder – is today the day we get the call there is a heart for Max? Is today the day my son gets a second chance at life? He is still fighting hard. We refuse to give up on him.”
‘My husband and I watched in horror. ‘Don’t worry, he’s going to be okay.’ I nodded, but all I could think was, ‘NO, my newborn just had heart surgery, NONE of this is okay.’
‘Is he gone?!,’ I yelled. It wasn’t my husband. He was so excited to be a dad. He was born to be one. I held his hand, telling him how much his unborn son and I loved him.’
“Scott just started a new job. We bought a house and were moving. He started not feeling well, but we attributed it to the stress of everything changing in our life. He went to work after getting me settled in the hospital. When he came back, he looked pale. I told him to get some rest, I would be just fine.”
‘I put you in your mom’s arms so you could be snuggled while you drifted off to sleep. I hid behind the curtain and shed silent tears. I still hear the echo of, ‘I’m so sorry, but he is gone.’
“I remember every single detail about this day. I knew what I was coming into, but in no way was I prepared for it. Your nurses before me had gotten you so handsome, dressed for your family. You looked so small in that big bed.”
‘Have you been taking fertility meds?’ No! We tried for 1 child, and spontaneously got 3. TRIPLETS! It felt like, Us: ‘Let’s have another kid.’ Universe: ‘Hold my beer.’
“We had a narrow window to get pregnant before our son’s next heart battles. By week 7 I knew something was different. I remember turning to my husband and telling him, ‘Either pregnancy as you get older is exponentially harder, or we are having twins.’ I’m pretty sure that sealed our fate.”
‘I understand my options.’ I felt Malachi twist inside my belly. From that point on, I knew. ‘Tell them we sent you.’ My mind raced. My palms were sweating. ‘It’s time,’ I wrote. ‘I’m checking in now.’
“Through tears, I asked: ‘Will I ever hear his little voice again?’ But, what can you do when your baby can’t breathe? We knew it was the right decision. Something had to be done for him. ‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Let’s do it.’”
‘We are having a problem. Your baby is floppy and turning blue. She only has a 50% chance of surviving through the night but we’ll do everything we can.’
“I woke up suddenly to the sound of my husband’s footsteps coming up the stairs to give me his phone. ‘Something has happened to Drew. He’s had a seizure. We were on our way to the park.’ I remember thinking to myself, ‘I have experienced seizures in the past. He’ll be OK.’ Second phone call. Everything was a blur.”
‘I was woken by a call. ‘There is something wrong with Twin B.’ Seeing the name on my caller ID made my heart leap out of my throat. How could this happen to my little, happy fighter?’
“I was trying to wrap my head around it. How does a twin, leave the other twin behind? How do we live on without her? We received another call in the middle of the night. ‘She isn’t moving the right side of her body.’ Nothing was going to stop her.”
‘I looked at my daughter standing beside me. You could see the fear in her eyes. No one was talking. I finally yelled out ‘HELLO!’
“I kept thinking, ‘I just have to make it to the hospital, I just need to make it to the hospital.’ Her coloring was terrible. I entered the door carrying my limp daughter.”
‘What does a baby’s heart look like at 18 weeks?’ I knew something was wrong. But Tad’s father continued to say, ‘Don’t worry until we have to.’ So I tried my best not to.’
“‘He is sitting Buddha style facing away from me, so I cannot not get a good look.’ I remember watching him confirm the gender, check fingers and toes, but kept going back. He told us ‘not to worry.’ I left that appointment wanting to share the great news of, ‘we’re having a baby boy,’ but it was a double-edged sword.”
‘With no emotion he told us, ‘Ryder will forever be a vegetable and drool all over himself.’ Then he got up and left the room. All I saw was tunnel vision. We knew it wasn’t right.’
“Driving down the road, my ears started ringing. With the big lump in my throat I let out a few tears, pulled myself together, and prayed. I felt as if I was getting struck by lightning once again. So many rare things have happened to our family.”