“Seeing my sweet baby girl laying in a huge bed, much too big for her, made me fall to my knees. A nurse said to me, ‘Get off the floor, it’s so dirty.’ I was angry at her, I was angry at the hospital chaplain placing his eerie hand on my shoulder with no real comfort. No parent should have to write their child’s eulogy, or decide between a casket or an urn. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.”
‘Mom she’s gone, I just know.’ I sat on my stairs with my front door open, in shock.’: How this ‘broken’ mother helps other parents of child loss heal after her own tragedy
‘The doctor said it so nonchalantly, ‘Your baby has this.’ I looked at my husband. ‘What’s that mean?’ We were not ready for this diagnosis. The tears poured out. How is this happening AGAIN?’
“We were pressured over and over. ‘Get an abortion. Your time is running out. You know there’s a deadline on these things. He’ll be just laying still forever.’ At every appointment, this is what we were told.”
‘I had a stroke at 28 years old. Everyone assumed I was dehydrated or passed out. Soon enough, I was signing for my husband to take me off life support. Then reality hit.’
“We had a beautifully healed daughter. Our marriage was stronger than ever. That’s when everything changed, again. Words cannot describe how scared we were. We were again trying to hide our struggles behind fake smiles. That’s when they heard it.”
‘She ran her hand across his sweet face. ‘No eyebrows and eyelashes,’ she said. I hadn’t noticed his lack of hair until that moment. Nor any other ‘abnormalities.’ Fear consumed my mind.’
“The nurse came to get us and took us to a different room. The doctor then came in with news that quickly turned our cloud 9 experience of joy and excitement to fear. There was a concern.”
‘My husband and I watched in horror. ‘Don’t worry, he’s going to be okay.’ I nodded, but all I could think was, ‘NO, my newborn just had heart surgery, NONE of this is okay.’
“Every day I wonder – is today the day we get the call there is a heart for Max? Is today the day my son gets a second chance at life? He is still fighting hard. We refuse to give up on him.”
‘Is he gone?!,’ I yelled. It wasn’t my husband. He was so excited to be a dad. He was born to be one. I held his hand, telling him how much his unborn son and I loved him.’
“Scott just started a new job. We bought a house and were moving. He started not feeling well, but we attributed it to the stress of everything changing in our life. He went to work after getting me settled in the hospital. When he came back, he looked pale. I told him to get some rest, I would be just fine.”
‘I put you in your mom’s arms so you could be snuggled while you drifted off to sleep. I hid behind the curtain and shed silent tears. I still hear the echo of, ‘I’m so sorry, but he is gone.’
“I remember every single detail about this day. I knew what I was coming into, but in no way was I prepared for it. Your nurses before me had gotten you so handsome, dressed for your family. You looked so small in that big bed.”
‘Have you been taking fertility meds?’ No! We tried for 1 child, and spontaneously got 3. TRIPLETS! It felt like, Us: ‘Let’s have another kid.’ Universe: ‘Hold my beer.’
“We had a narrow window to get pregnant before our son’s next heart battles. By week 7 I knew something was different. I remember turning to my husband and telling him, ‘Either pregnancy as you get older is exponentially harder, or we are having twins.’ I’m pretty sure that sealed our fate.”
‘I understand my options.’ I felt Malachi twist inside my belly. From that point on, I knew. ‘Tell them we sent you.’ My mind raced. My palms were sweating. ‘It’s time,’ I wrote. ‘I’m checking in now.’
“Through tears, I asked: ‘Will I ever hear his little voice again?’ But, what can you do when your baby can’t breathe? We knew it was the right decision. Something had to be done for him. ‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Let’s do it.’”
‘We are having a problem. Your baby is floppy and turning blue. She only has a 50% chance of surviving through the night but we’ll do everything we can.’
“I woke up suddenly to the sound of my husband’s footsteps coming up the stairs to give me his phone. ‘Something has happened to Drew. He’s had a seizure. We were on our way to the park.’ I remember thinking to myself, ‘I have experienced seizures in the past. He’ll be OK.’ Second phone call. Everything was a blur.”
