“When my high school sweetheart and I decided to grow our family, we had no clue the battles we’d face. We’d had fairly smooth, straightforward lives up to this point. After my miscarriage of identical twins, I thought for sure we’d paid our dues.”
‘He’s a sick guy.’ The pediatric cardiologist affirmed with an almost flippancy. Like, you know, yeah he’s dying, but like, he’s sick. Of course he’s dying. He’s a sick guy.’
‘I pick up a pink sock from under the couch. Suddenly I sink to my knees. I try to smell her on the sock, hold it to my heart and scream, ‘COME BACK TO ME! I LOVE YOU! PLEASE!’
“I find myself softly chanting ‘daughter, daughter, daughter.’ I lose count as I hold that sock and rock it. Minutes pass, I don’t know how many. I finally pick myself up off the floor and I put her sock in her bedroom. I shut the door, stand there for a moment, my hand still clutching the doorknob as tears stream down my face.”
‘When I was pregnant, I thought about that perfect ‘going home’ outfit for my child. A soft, blue sleeper with tiny elephants dancing across. But, I never had that picture-perfect moment.’
“I stood outside the children’s store, my hands shaking as my heart started racing. I took a deep breath, wiped away my tears, and put on a brave face as I walked inside. I handed the outfit to my mother and told her I had to leave, the heartache proved too much.”
‘How are the kids?’ I gave her a puzzled look, wondering if I heard her correctly. My heart began to race and my breathing became faster. Tears erupted as my mind instantly flashed back to 3 years ago.’
“I was at a routine appointment. As the lady walked into the room, she smiled, repeated herself, and that’s when I realized, she didn’t know two of my children died.”
‘As I wheeled away, I was squeezing the hand of a stranger. Finally, my husband was allowed in. ‘She’s beautiful,’ nurses said as they whisked her away. She never cried.’
“I will never forget going to get a pedicure on our anniversary. I thought, ‘Okay, this will be a time to relax,’ then in walks a woman, 34 weeks pregnant, due just around when I was supposed to be due. She was glowing and I was sinking… fast.”
‘He went pale, stuttered and said, ‘Ma’am, one of your baby’s is in your birth canal, feet first.’ People started flying in. I begged him to give them more time.’
“By the time the helicopter arrived, conditions were too dangerous. I assumed we would be rushed, lights blazing and sirens blasting to the next hospital. I kept asking when a doctor would get around to me. A resident finally came in. His face immediately gave him away.”
‘It was twins! In the back of my head though, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and our happy world to come tumbling down. It did, but not until later.’
“They were out of all other options. Phoenix was bleeding into his lungs, and they couldn’t figure out a way to stop it. The nurse was calling other hospitals to figure out an accurate dose of medical cocaine to administer. What?? This can’t be happening!”
‘I could hear the sirens. We ran up to see a stranger doing CPR on our perfect 20-month-old nephew. I could not believe what I was seeing. My husband dropped to his knees.’
“Royce had been playing on the bed when he fell. I grabbed and hugged my sister-in-law, trying to face her away from the horror. We were all in the worst kind of shock. This was not happening, not Royce. It could not be our perfect Royce.”
‘We knew it was time to go. We wheeled Sophie down to a cooling room. We could see past her imperfections, her peeling skin and her bluish tint. To us, she was our baby and she was perfect.’
“She had so much brown, curly hair. She had her daddy’s nose and her mamma’s lips. Her perfect little lips. I wanted to kiss those lips every day.”
‘I woke up to Dan yelling for help. He was at the top of the stairs with his inhaler telling me it wasn’t working. Dad was hysterical screaming at me to get there right now.’
“I had a weird feeling. I decided to go after them. Then, my phone rang. I saw it was my dad, and instantly my heart fell to my stomach.”
