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‘Cookies are not breakfast!’ They’re all crying. One fights me for 10 minutes to allow me the pleasure of wiping poop off his arse.’: Dad hilariously says ‘I’ve had a huge slice of humble pie’ after first ‘paternity leave’

“I hide for a bit. They find me like they’re sniffer dogs and I’m selling pills at a festival. I clear up the crafts, wishing whoever created slime a slow, gruesome death. They’re all crying now. They scream, ‘Daddy we’re bored of this film!’ repeatedly and very loudly.”

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