“I had surprised my family with it. My husband told me he loved what I’d done to myself, but what he didn’t tell me was that he was having an affair. I often wonder what he must’ve felt when he saw his name on my wrist and knew he was lying.”
‘Since my divorce, I’ve seen a plastic surgeon every month. Not for Botox. I had to face what I’d done with every shower, every decision to wear short sleeves or a bathing suit.’
‘If you EVER speak out, I know where the bullets are.’ I walked in the snow for miles in short sleeves. I woke up in the hospital, angry I survived, and pulled out all the hospital tubes.’
“I looked up from my bed and saw my mother and sister at the door. The look in their eyes is something I never want to see again. I feared that I had to be cured. I wish I had seen the warning signs.’
‘I remember being told, ‘You’re lucky I’m with you, because you’re really fat.’ I was always just the smart girl with a pretty face, I was never the total package.’
“I used to get called a ‘pig’ on the bus. I was pulled out of school for 8 weeks. Rumors started. Everyone thought I was crazy. I heard a group of girls talking about how I should have never come back.”
‘His little voice begged me to wake up. ‘Don’t die, mommy. Don’t die, mommy.’ His hug, his kiss and his tenderness, lying next to me for hours as I sobbed.’
“Another fight left me to sleep in the guest room. My middle child, my baby boy, crawled into bed with me as my head throbbed and I couldn’t’ stop the room from spinning. Again. My loudest rock bottom came like a whisper – It was his touch.”
‘I know how you’re doing it,’ she whispered, then laughed and walked away. I felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment. How could she know? I was 15 years old and had been caught.’
“I locked myself in the bathroom while my husband pounded on the door, begging me to let him in. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t believe what I was staring at. My heart pounded, and my mind raced. Was this real? Was it a faulty test? My baby was so tiny, but he or she was there, in my belly.”
‘I remember picking it up. I remember hitting my arm with the sharp edge repeatedly until I saw scratches, and then blood. I remember feeling better.’
“These scars are my war marks of fighting to LIVE.”
‘I replaced self hate, with pure love’: Woman covers self-inflicted scars with ‘mama bear’ tattoo for her autistic son
“I could not stand the thought of my son asking what happened. I am now able to feel that I am worthy, I am loved, and that my purpose is to care for those I love.”
