“‘You are having twins!’ I looked at my husband. We were in total shock. When we went to the doctor experiencing bleeding, we were sure something else was the issue — not twins. It was a dream come true. Minutes later, I sat on the toilet. I heard a ‘pop.’ I felt this flow of water between my legs.”
‘You’ve caught an infection. If we don’t remove these babies, you will become sepsis. You can die.’ Tears ran down my face. ‘This is not where I hoped to see you,’ my doctor said. Neither did I.’
‘GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!’ I pushed him toward my husband’s lap. I resented him. I felt out of body. Then, BOOM. We were home.’
“Then, everything shifted. ‘You don’t have CANCER, you can GET OVER IT’. My husband was like a deer in the headlights. The phone rings. What? How? I can’t do this AGAIN without them.”
‘He left me in the woods alone and stole my phone. I woke up cold, scared. I became the talk of the school. Weeks later, I found out I was pregnant.’
“No one came to see me at the hospital. It took my ‘friends’ a year and half to even notice I was gone. Until one day I was caught at the school by the gym teacher in the girl’s bathroom. ‘You should’ve just killed yourself a faster way and got it over with.’ Soon after, I met a man.”
‘I had just watched my husband die, in the hospital, right in front of me. I NEEDED to change. Finally, I got a text. ‘Are you free to come in right now?’
“It was the one month anniversary of Albert’s death. ‘I trust you,’ I said.”
‘I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. I’m too loud. Too quiet. A mom who could lose a few pounds. We try so hard to bend 50 different ways to fit a mold. But, why? For what?’
“We worry what others think. Why we didn’t get the invite. We over-analyze texts. We see glances, hear whispers, and assume they’re directed at us. People aren’t always going to agree with you. In fact, some people aren’t going to like you for no other reason than because they can.”
‘I peeked in her bedroom, I couldn’t tell if she was breathing. As I walked closer, I looked at her white feet and knew something was wrong. I went crazy. My brain snapped.’
“‘I’m sorry, we have to do this when a child dies in the home. It’s so hard for you,’ the investigator said. They found no cause of death. It is so rare, and the last thing I want to do is cause fear in someone else, but it’s a very real and possible thing that can happen.”
‘I was told to ‘Man up.’ Did they honestly think I was just a drug seeker? ‘I can’t keep feeding you with medication,’ my doctors said. ‘The pain will eventually just go away.’ Was I going mad?’
“It started when I was 17, during my last year in high school. One day it struck, and it hasn’t left since. I went dizzy, I felt sick, I was confused. My head was pounding like a freight train. I just wanted to be a normal teenager.”
‘From the master bathroom, I bellowed, ‘I NEED LOVE!’ This is my passive-aggressive way to gain his attention. My husband drops his phone as if it suddenly caught fire, and is at my side in a flash.’
“My husband, who’d been taking in my every word, looks at me, solemnly. ‘Wow,’ is all he can formulate. ‘That seems like a lot.’ I sincerely thought motherhood would look different.”
‘I felt a POP down you know where. ‘No! This can’t be!’ Tears streaming, I peeked between my legs. ‘What do we do now?’ I wanted a ‘perfect’ pregnancy. I now know I was totally oblivious.’
“We hadn’t prepared for this scenario. ‘NO!’ I cried. ‘I don’t want a c-section! Please! I don’t want a c-section!’ Crazy-eyed, I waddled as gushes of warm liquid ran down my legs. I completely lost it!”
‘They would only keep me if I agreed to do electroconvulsive therapy. People warned me. I was told I shouldn’t do it. I felt I had no other option. To me, it was this or death.’
“I remember being rolled into an operation room while lying in a hospital bed. I looked up at the ceiling and prayed this would work. I was nervous. Quickly, the anesthesia knocked me out. I received over 10 treatments. My body ached, but not as much as my soul. I longed for peace.”
