“I locked myself in the bathroom while my husband pounded on the door, begging me to let him in. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t believe what I was staring at. My heart pounded, and my mind raced. Was this real? Was it a faulty test? My baby was so tiny, but he or she was there, in my belly.”
‘I know how you’re doing it,’ she whispered, then laughed and walked away. I felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment. How could she know? I was 15 years old and had been caught.’
‘Don’t tell nobody. I’ll give you some money when I get paid,’ he said as he was getting off me. I was scared out of my mind. My uncle, my favorite uncle, had hurt me.’
“I can remember looking over at my brother who was still asleep. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. I was too scared so I laid there, not speaking, thinking about the innocence I would never get back. He hurt me in the worst way that night.”
‘What the hell was that? Get down!’ 60 seconds later, our lives would never be the same. At that moment, it hit me. ‘Oh my God, people are really dying here.’
“I wanted to speak to my mom in case I didn’t make it out. It was already past midnight. She answered the phone tired and confused why I would possibly be calling. ‘Mom, there is a shooter here, we are on the floor, please stay on the phone with me.’”
‘I laid awake at night, my stomach in knots, terrified it was the boy embryo that took. I couldn’t even picture raising a boy. It brought me to tears. Full blown survivor’s guilt.’
“Gender disappointment after overcoming infertility? I felt awful. I felt selfish. I was mad at the fact there was a perfect little boy growing inside me. How could I be so greedy? So privileged? Women are yearning for a healthy baby, and I’m crying over…well, sex organs.”
‘The doctor is in his Battle Dress Uniform and is straddling me on the exam table. The surgeon told me, ‘you have the best cancer.’ I would learn later how wrong he was.’
“We lived on a military base where my husband was assigned as an active duty Marine. On a day which had started just like every other day of my life, my life changed forever.”
‘I remember how dark and frigid the inside was. It was completely empty. Not one piece of furniture. Nothing. I wandered into a room off to the side. I walked towards it, and instantly got chills.’
“When he got off the phone he said, ‘What do you think? Should we do this?’ I asked if he had seen what was on the wall and he said no. I showed him the picture. When he looked back at me, he had big tears streaming down his cheeks.”
‘It appears I have everything under control and life is a breeze. That ‘breeze’ is actually 80 mph hurricane winds, and I’m hanging on for dear life.’
“I cry. I WEEP into my cold coffee. The mom guilt consumes me and I feel like I’m failing my kids. I was also unaware that hemorrhoids can last for months at a time. I’m scared.”
‘I saw you hand over your note with sadness in your eyes. You looked at the pharmacist with fear as she read your details. You replied with the most defeated ‘no’ I’d ever heard.’
“I saw your knuckles turn white on that stroller handle bar. I saw you look down on your baby while it was starting to stir. ‘Please don’t cry,’ you whispered.”
‘She said they become ‘the pet of the school.’ The life I imagined crashed before me and fell to pieces. I heard the words, ‘She has characteristics of Down syndrome.’
“But then, I saw my daughter with her big marble colored eyes and blonde hair. Finally, I embraced it.”
‘The billing department doesn’t care if your baby died. The medical companies don’t care if you’re on unpaid leave because your child is a long-term patient. You still have to pay.’
“It keeps me lying awake at night, tears and stress making my heart race. I’m drowning in medical debt. And I know I’m not alone.”
