“Time slowed. She had just been laughing and joking on the way home. By the time I got to the hospital, she was nearly unrecognizable. Over the next 5 days, she went in and out of consciousness.”
‘My mom called, softly crying. ‘I took a lot of pills. I love you. It’s not your fault.’ I screamed into the phone, trying to keep her awake until the paramedics reached her.’
‘Hun, whatcha doing? You ok in there?’ Silence. ‘Hun…?’ I tried turning the knob. Locked. My heartbeat grew faster. My voice got louder. I banged my fists on the door. I couldn’t save him.’
“We went to bed, said our ‘I love you’s.’ He rubbed my back as I drifted off to sleep. At 5:00 a.m., I awoke to use the bathroom. I guess he couldn’t sleep? He wasn’t in bed. He must be downstairs. The TV wasn’t on. No living room lights. Just a faint glow from the bottom of the bathroom door.”
‘My sweet baby, my firstborn son, is homeless, mentally ill and addicted to heroin.’
“It had been 4 months since we’d had any contact. I hear someone calling my name. It’s my son! It’s a miracle. I hugged my sickly thin boy and told him, ‘I love you.’ I didn’t want to let go. I offered to buy him a meal. Our interaction was less than 10 minutes long. I left him there.”
‘I had to tell them. ‘Your dad died by suicide.’ Words I knew would change their lives forever. Words no child should hear. I had to be honest with them. I was terrified.’
“My husband of 16 years. My best friend. The father to my 9 and 12-year-old beautiful boys. He left that morning for work. He never came home. I never saw his beautiful smile again. He just never came home.”
‘I blankly looked at the doctor. ‘What does this mean?’ He replied, ‘Hope you don’t go deaf.’ They gave me a discharge note. ‘I could drop dead at any time.’
“Would you ever think a blood clot could save your life? My phone dinged with a new email from the lab, I nervously signed in and opened the attachment. ‘No way!’ I shouted out loud, was I reading this right?”
‘With tears welling up in my eyes, I was only able to mutter one question: ‘But why does it hurt so much when I eat?’ Nobody answered me.’
“For what felt like an eternity, I laid quietly in my hospital bed, still surrounded by these strangers who were supposed to be some of the best doctors in the country, until a young-looking doctor standing across from the psychologist broke the silence, ‘Your head is messing with you, there is nothing physically wrong.'”
‘By age 9, I had thoughts about my own funeral. I wondered who would attend. Mom would find my Barbie dolls with notes like, ‘I want to die.’ Not at all normal for a child to be saying.’
“I remember telling my parents, ‘I love my life.’ That would soon change.‘ I lost the majority of my friends due to bullying. ‘I couldn’t even kill myself. I’m a failure.’”
‘I couldn’t sleep laying down anymore, I couldn’t laugh without gasping for air. I was dying. I was 22 and writing a will in case anything happened to me.’
“I was so busy moving forward I wasn’t even aware my mind was stuck. A few months afterward, the actual nightmares began. I would try to sleep and flashbacks and memories bombarded me. I cried every night for weeks. I knew I needed help.”
‘It has to get worse before it gets better.’ Some parents never see ‘gets better.’ We almost didn’t. We almost lost our baby.’
“Helicopter moms – I never understood you… I get it now. We never thought it would happen to us.”
‘There were 2 missing from our Thanksgiving celebration this year – our brother, who lost his battle to cancer, and our mom, who is still with us, but lost within herself.’
“I sat next to her and she looked at me. She said, ‘Who are you?’ We knew someday it would happen – Our time has come.”
