“The first time I saw her, I wondered if the nurse was handing me my baby, or someone else’s. I waited a few seconds for someone to tell me there was a mix up. ‘She’s so beautiful,’ the nurse said. My husband was also in denial, but reality was staring us in the face.”
I was quite surprised by how white she was. ‘Perhaps she’s just very fair in complexion,’ I thought. I envied other black babies and thought, ‘Why me? How did I get black and white twins?’
‘She was HIV+ and we knew she was our daughter. Time stopped when we saw her. She was absolutely beautiful and perfect, but her oversized clothes hung loosely on her tiny frail body.’
“We were looking for a child with HIV. When we learned she was positive, we KNEW she was the one. She was 2 years old and only weighed 15 pounds. I started seeing a trauma counselor. James learned how to breath in public again, knowing no one was coming after us. Then BAM – Morning sickness!”
‘He should get his affairs in order.’ My heart stopped. WHAT? I immediately broke down. My biggest fear and worst nightmare had come true. ‘I don’t want to put you all through this,’ he said.’
“I was at home when I got a call from my husband. He was at the hospital, and then he said the 4 words I never expected to hear. ‘Okay, what now? What do we do?’ I was furiously texting my mother-in-law, ‘It’s not good.’ I just wanted it to stop. I couldn’t believe what was happening.”
‘Here’s a little secret about me: I have three fathers. The one who abused me at 3-years-old opted out of my life. I would say I’m devastated by this loss, but that’s just not the case.’
“You can either repeat the cycle or run from it. I sprinted. Because of a man who hurt me, I have the life I do now. I’ve seen this man cry at his children’s births. My kids are lucky to have a man who always shows up.”
‘The pain radiated from my stomach to my legs. I threw up. Finally, the fetus came out. I caught a glance of the baby in the toilet, before flushing it down.’
“I laid in the doctor’s office. Brandon stood there recording the whole thing, expecting to document the most exciting moment of our lives. She started asking me strange questions that seemed crazy at the time. It wasn’t until days later it hit me.”
‘If I drink beer, maybe they’ll like me.’ ‘Maybe if I smoke this.’ Their words cut deep. I was desperate for acceptance. When it wasn’t enough, I stopped going to class and flunked with all F’s.’
“I thought the bullying would stop when my mom died of cancer, but it returned full force. I remember being yanked off my feet by my ponytail, blood running down my leg. I still wasn’t good enough, so I dropped out. When I returned to school at 31, a mother of 3 kids, I thought the same failure awaited me again. I was absolutely terrified.”
‘Where is she?!’ There was no time to call for help. With one forceful kick, the lock snapped. I ran around the house, my mind racing. Then, I opened her bedroom door.’
“My body was in complete panic. A high-pitched ring pierced my ears. I held her in my arms. This wasn’t part of the plan. This was supposed to be her fresh start.”
‘I looked at my mom, tears welling up. ‘Was I adopted?’ She knew this day would happen. She knew I’d want to know. My answer was a few clicks away.’
“I opened an unknown can of worms. Things started swirling in my head. ‘Was I not loved? Am I not worthy? Do I have siblings?’ I started at my computer screen. Same eye shape, same smile. I finally clicked send. Within a half hour, she responded. The pit of my stomach felt so sick.”
‘This was the house we intended to raise our babies in. We were here to stay. But then he died.’
“I joke that we really bought my clawfoot tub and the house came with it. We had only moved in 6 months ago and we were so excited to make it our own. Then everything I thought was real disappeared before my eyes. Until I then I saw this.”
‘I’m 25 years old and this is my first baby. The doctor showed us the ultrasound, and I could barely look. I couldn’t even look at my husband. I felt paralyzed.’
”When Joshua was born, there was no cry. His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck and the doctor had to pry it off piece by piece. The second I saw him, I knew. At that moment, everything changed.”
