“I don’t remember Pottery Barn centerpieces or monogrammed stockings. I don’t remember Pinterest-worthy trees or anything that would make one declare, ‘That is so precious. I must Instagram it immediately.’ That all might have been there. But if it was, I don’t remember.”
‘You know what I don’t remember about my childhood Christmases? I don’t remember anything being especially decorated.’
‘Did you have genetic testing done?’ I went into panic mode. My cheeks got hot, mouth dry and how did my tongue suddenly get too big for my mouth? I said no. ‘Do you see something?’
“I stared deep into my friend’s eyes, begging, ‘is he okay? I can’t see his face.’ My husband reluctantly showed me. He knew what I yet didn’t. No one did. No one believed us. I said it. I said what I had been internalizing all along.”
‘Molly, I am sick again. I promise I’m going to get better this time.’ I hang up, but she is all I can think about. How can I love her so much, and be such a constant source of disappointment?’
“I don’t want to catch a glimpse of her beautiful face in my mind. It hurts too much. She is so perfect. How can she still utter the words, ‘It’s okay mom, I love you’? I don’t deserve her love or her forgiveness.”
‘We finally got the call. This baby was due in 2 months, and she had a heart defect that would require open-heart surgery. The second I saw her little face, I fell to the ground.’
“I was nervous. I didn’t know if she would understand the baby I was holding is her sister. But when she came to the hospital, she pointed to my belly and said ‘no.’ Then she pointed to Josie and said ‘yes.’ So powerful.”
‘Despite having 5 beautiful children, I still couldn’t shake the feeling that our family was not complete. I looked around and thought, ‘Surely we have room for one more, right?’
“At only 17 years old, while still a senior in high school, I vividly remember the intense fear I felt when I looked at that pregnancy test. What would become of me? I had always been the good girl – the one that got good grades and followed the rules.”
‘The doctor intensively listened to her heartbeat – troubled by what he heard. We realized the severity of the situation. Immediately dropping to my knees in despair, we moved into the hospital.’
“I immediately started CPR and called 911 while my husband tried to keep the boys out of the room. Things escalated quickly. Before I knew it, our road was blocked by police, firefighters, and an ambulance. All these people lent us their hands in attempt to save our daughter.”
‘In these 45 days, I have held my 2-year old while she was throwing up, during blood draws and X-rays. I have watched her learn to trust. I know what blanket she needs to fall asleep.’
“I have met my child’s birth mom and held her. I have cried with her and prayed for her. My heart is wide open. It has grown to love not only this child, but also her biological mother. I’m rooting for her and wanting desperately to help her break this cycle of life she is trapped in.”
‘Me first thing in the morning: Good morning, baby. How did you sleep? Gosh, I love you so much.’ Me 10 minutes later: HURRY UP. I DON’T KNOW WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE. NO, YOU MAY NOT HAVE COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST. STOP MOVING IN SLOTH MODE!’
“Me ten minutes later: Bye, honey. Have a great day at school. I can’t wait to pick you up. HURRY AND GET OUT OF THE CAR. PEOPLE BEHIND US ARE WAITING.”
‘I heard 3 things when he was finally out: ‘He’s here, he’s breathing, and he has a TON of hair!’ What a joyful moment. I say moment – because the joy only lasted that long.’
“My anxiety was high the morning of our 30-week scan, the morning our world was turned upside down. There was a lot of small talk, and then there was silence. I looked at my fiancé with tears in my eyes. ‘I knew it.’”
‘When I was 18 years old, I had an abortion. The reasons were deplorable. I was in my first year of college, with a boyfriend I no longer loved. When I was 23, I had another abortion.’
“Before I could blink, I had an adoring husband, a 2-year-old and I was fresh off the ache of a miscarriage. When a recent layoff made insurance scarce and the price of genetic testing unreasonable, I went without it when I became pregnant once again.”
