“‘I’m sorry, we have to do this when a child dies in the home. It’s so hard for you,’ the investigator said. They found no cause of death. It is so rare, and the last thing I want to do is cause fear in someone else, but it’s a very real and possible thing that can happen.”
‘I peeked in her bedroom, I couldn’t tell if she was breathing. As I walked closer, I looked at her white feet and knew something was wrong. I went crazy. My brain snapped.’
‘I don’t want to sit in the middle!,’ he screamed. The neighbors were staring. I never knew so much anger existed in me until I became a mom. It is terrifying. I don’t even recognize myself.’
“‘I’m going to hold your legs down until you calm down because you’re hurting me when you kick.’ Our neighbors were still watching. It’s shameful, embarrassing, and humiliating. He screamed and kicked and fought. I could feel my anxiety creeping in.”
‘I lost one of my kids. As the crowd dispersed, two of my boys walked over to me, but my son was nowhere to be seen. I called his name, paralyzed in fear.’
“I hadn’t laid eyes on him for at least 10 minutes — or had it been 20? Immediately, everything around me swirled and blurred. The only thing in focus was the red flag flapping violently above the lifeguard station. The white-capped waves were deafening. Horrible scenarios flooded my mind.”
‘My kids were unplanned and accidental. I never wanted to be a mom. I don’t enjoy playing with my kids. I don’t like being touched or needed.’
“Every single day, I feel resentment, sadness, frustration. I reminisce about my lost freedom. The days I would wake up with energy, pull out my to-do list, and get everything done. The days when I could hop in the car and run a quick errand, take a nap, or shower whenever I wanted. The days I could set BIG goals and actually attain them.”
‘Get down from there.’ ‘Please stop. That is dangerous.’ Aggressive meltdowns led to restraining him to prevent self-harm or harm to others. Finally, we decided to medicate our son.’
“Barring the dangerous, we would not say a word. Nothing. No emotion. Silence. Instead of avoiding a festival or a park because, what if he has a meltdown in public, we say ‘Yes.'”
‘Yes, I punched my child, but I did it out of love. It was a subconscious effort to battle my ridiculous fear of spiders and save my child from being eaten whole.’
“My baby is sitting in the flowers. ALL OF A SUDDEN, A MASSIVE WOLF SPIDER MAKES HIS DEBUT ON HER MOTHER LOVIN’ DRESS! It sees me, I see him, and we lock eyes.”
‘We were both speechless. ‘We’re almost 40 and we’ll be changing diapers again!,’ my husband finally muttered. I didn’t say a word. I was so shocked, my jaw on the ground with tears in my eyes.’
“Two children in Heaven, one here on earth; we were at peace. We signed the paperwork with the fertility clinic to finally close that chapter in our lives. Six months later, we were relaxing with a bottle of wine. Before I poured a glass, I ran upstairs. I was ‘late.’ I barely glanced at it, assuming it would be negative.”
‘Really, Daddy? Are you really going to let them CUT MY ARM OFF?’ My son’s face fell. A silent tear trickled down his cheek.’
“He looked in horror at me and his daddy. My husband held my son as he became frantic. It hurts to know my child worried so much, and never brought it to me.”
‘She was born with her umbilical chord around her neck, her face blue from lack of oxygen. She came into the world feet first. She always goes about things her own way, birth was no exception.’
“I had no idea what was happening, but I knew my mom was behind a cold, closed door that I wasn’t allowed to go through. I wish I could’ve held her hand – she needed it.”
‘Your heart rate is fast and it skips. We don’t know why. You are young, you will grow out of it.’ The appointments were worthless. The doctor wrote me off as a hypochondriac.’
“I was angry. Enraged is more like it. I realized my major problems started at the end of 2013. What had I done differently that year? I had birth control inserted in my arm. It was just a hunch, but I knew deep down I was right.”
