“I was always told that period pain was ‘normal’ and that I just have a low tolerance to pain. I once had a doctor tell me, ‘I don’t think you are in that much pain, I think you are looking for attention.”
‘I didn’t feel like a 20 year old. My doctors didn’t know how to help me. Their best advice was for me to ‘just get pregnant.’
‘You have a 2% chance.’ My husband and I sat on the exam table, crying uncontrollably. I believed I wasn’t good enough to be a mother. I was bitter. ‘WHY is everyone else getting pregnant?’
“Our world crumbled beneath us. ‘Why is my body not working?’ I thought I didn’t deserve to have a baby or experience motherhood. I didn’t know when or how, but I still had faith it would happen. I felt it deep within my soul.”
‘I got with my boyfriend in July. By November, I was pregnant. We had been ‘irresponsible.’ We dealt with it. I convinced myself I’d killed my baby. I couldn’t look at my daughter without crying.’
“The thing is, I also got pregnant many years before at age 24. It was the first time I’d had unprotected sex, and I had split up with the father. Having a termination was my only option. This has hugely troubled me the past 3 years, but I’m not ashamed to talk about it.”
‘Can you come to the hospital right now to meet your daughter?’ It was relatively late on a Friday night, but we immediately recognized the number. We fought hard for Grace.’
“Less than 45 minutes after that call, directly from the hospital, she came home for the first time. It felt a bit chaotic and strange at the same time.”
‘Our birthing tub wasn’t set up. I went into the Jacuzzi with my mom, butt naked. The water became murky. I knew I was close. I could feel it in my bones. And still no midwife.’
“The water was warm. I wasn’t making any progress. The water was too high and gravity was working against me. At this point, I wanted the baby out more than I wanted a water birth. I texted my midwife. She asked me if I wanted to push. ‘YES!’ I cried out.”
‘It’s a secret I’ve been holding closely to my heart. Six years after being pregnant with our triplets, and then losing two of them, I am pregnant.’
“The tears have poured down my face, my heart racing as I finally share our news. Being pregnant after child loss is one of the most difficult things I have gone through in my life. To be honest, I was too scared.”
‘Excuse me, what? I looked at the screen and saw my ovaries with a ‘pearl necklace’ looking shape on the outer edge. Are you sure?’
“I’m in my early 30’s and have everything I need to start a family; This has got to be a misunderstanding.”
‘I was petrified, sobbing into Jon’s shoulder. He leaned over and held my hand. If he wanted to leave the relationship, I would understand.’
“Jon and I met on an online dating website and hit it off right away. When I flew to Louisiana to visit him for the first time, we both knew. This was it. As I delved into wedding details, I was plagued by lower back pain that wouldn’t go away.”
‘We started seeing a fertility specialist when I was 33-years-old. My levels were, as my doctor put it, ‘that of a 48-year-old.’ One egg was actually black in color.’
“I’ll never forget the phone call from our doctor. She said, ‘I’m so sorry Victoria, your donor really is like you, even her eggs are like yours.'”
‘I was starting to look pregnant, my boobs were huge, and I welcomed the nausea. The image appeared on the screen. I looked intently and finally asked, ‘where’s the heartbeat?!’
“I started laughing, mostly because it couldn’t possibly be true – I felt pregnant, I looked pregnant, and a week before, things were fine. I began sobbing.”
