“‘Of course, honey.’ I smiled to him, stuffing down my feelings of wanting to explode. He smiled and thanked the man, who shook his hand and smiled back. Then, as we asked our waiter to take our bill, he said it was taken care of. Paid for. In full.”
‘Our son spotted an older man wearing a hat. ‘Retired US Air Force’ was in bold. ‘May I thank him for his service, mama?’ I cried when we sat down. I was exhausted and overwhelmed.’
‘He said, ‘You can look like a wholesome American beauty, or you can look weird and androgynous. We want to wipe all of the wholesomeness out of you.’
“I started counting every calorie, I ignored my hunger, and I’d work out without eating much or anything after. I’d weigh myself whenever I could sneak into my parent’s bathroom. The scale dictated my happiness, the size of my clothes measured my worth. Hopefully I can sustain this starving myself thing for the next ten-ish years, I’d think to myself.”
‘My daughter was fed a cashew. She had itchy ears within 5 minutes, but was still playing. It all changed moments later. They laid her down quickly, and she started blacking out.’
“It snuck up on us so unexpectedly and quietly. I expected to see choking, gasping, hear wheezing, see her grabbing at her chest and neck area. It was actually very silent.”
‘It’s ok Ma’am. I got you.’ I ordered my food but as I went to pay, I realized I had left my wallet at work. I told this young man to cancel my order. His response shocked me.’
“He didn’t know how tired I was or that I hadn’t eaten.”
‘I hid my habits. On the way to visit my boyfriend, I’d down a burger in my car, hide the evidence, then go to dinner a few hours later like a proper lady. Salad only, please.’
“When I moved, all the women looked like movie stars. Blonde with bountiful boobs, thin waists, and faces full of makeup. I went for a haircut and told the stylist I felt so out of place; I’d never be able to compete with these women. He stopped his snipping just long enough to say, ‘Sure you will. If you’re willing to pay enough.’”
‘I was standing in line. An older gentleman said, ‘Why are you wearing that rainbow shirt? Are you some sort of fa***t?’
“This man then goes on to mumble homophobic slurs to me, the whole time I’m waiting in line. I ignore him, pay for my food, and start to walk away. I then notice his card gets declined.”
‘When I was young, I would’ve seen these tweezers and thought, ‘They are cute. I’m going to buy them just because.’ As an adult, I’m buying them because I caught a glimpse of a chin hair.”
“Getting older is fun, kids. You can do whatever you want, when you want, like scrub toilets and pay bills and fold laundry on Friday nights like a boss.”
‘We had a family movie night. Well, let me take that back. My family had a movie night, while I sat on the floor trying to match the right lids to the right markers and put books back into bins.’
“Then I got up and made brownies, because I felt like brownies would make my family happy. Then I did the dishes because, well, I felt like I needed to do the dishes. Then I served everyone the brownies. Then I waited and collected their dirty brownie dishes.”
‘I got a call from a reporter asking about my ‘Autistic kid’ today. Honestly, I made the same word choices before I had her. It used to make me angry.’
“Audrey isn’t an Autistic kid. Audrey HAS Autism. Autism shouldn’t be an adjective. It’s a noun. It’s a medical diagnosis. It is not the defining descriptor of my child.”
‘A man stepped out of the shadows where I was walking. He was wearing baggy, dirty clothes and old shoes. I took a step backward, looked into his eyes and said hello.’
“I was telling myself if he asked for money I could honestly tell him I had none, and keep walking. But instead of asking for money, he looked back into my eyes, and asked for something else.”
