funny story

‘No, Mommy! I don’t need a potty!’ The kids erupted in giggles. I should’ve been suspicious LONG before. Holland had been consuming juice boxes and popsicles for HOURS, y’all.’

“I go full-fledged panic mode. Something is amiss. I can smell it. Holland: ‘I DONT NEED A POTTY!’ Ben: ‘BAHAHAHAHAHHAA! She doesn’t need a potty, Mom! Our clubhouse ALREADY HAD a potty!’ Golden Retriever: *whimpering slightly* I climb up the ladder. My children are pointing to… A dog bowl.”

‘Hubby: ‘I sent these pictures to work to show them the baby. They’re good, right?’ Me: ‘You’re kidding me, right? OH MY GOD! I am NOT covered up down there! Did you even LOOK at them?’

“Hubby: (in a rising and panicked voice). ‘Well, yeah. And I even had your DAD look at them before I sent them!’ My dad’s eyes are bulging out of his head. Dad starts trying to defend them. ‘We were just looking at your faces, it was a cute family photo…. Well, from the top up!’ My husband goes into damage control. ‘Oh no, oh my God, how did I miss that?’”

‘I call Leo in. He looks at it, cocks his little head to the side. And then, obviously, I yelled at it. The spider ran. Leo starts screaming. The louder he screams, the faster the spider pursued him.’

“Let me share with y’all a massive mom fail I experienced. I noticed this toy for sale. They’re called ‘Yellies’ and the louder you yell at it, the faster it goes. Being the mother of a naturally loud and boisterous kid, I thought it would be the perfect Christmas present…”

‘As my due date gets closer, I thought about removing my body hair so I don’t get shaved down by a nurse and die of embarrassment because she needs a whipper snipper to cut through the Sherwood Forest.’

“’Are you in labor?,’ he asks holding the tongs. ‘No! Omg I’m having a reaction to the cream!’ He looks at my face and sees half-hardened face mask and thinks I put the cream on my face, so he helpfully grabs a towel and starts rubbing my face while I’m trying to push him away.”

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