“I was under the impression I didn’t need to head to the hospital until they were 2-3 minutes apart. WRONG. My daughter decided she couldn’t wait until we made it to the hospital.”
‘THE BABY’S COMING OUT!’ My husband dies and comes back to life. I pull my pants down. He yells to pull them back up. Too late. Here’s baby’s head.’: Mom hilariously recounts giving birth in car
‘Am I going to throw up? Surprise! It’s s—t. There’s diarrhea all over. My husband is helping me with my hospital gown while simultaneously WIPING MY ASS.’: Mom hilariously recounts precipitous labor experience
“Doctor finally comes. ‘I NEED DRUGS! WHERE IS THE EPIDURAL MAN? TELL HIM I NEED HIM.’ I am screaming, begging, pleading. The doctor smiles at me while the nurses put an IV in my arm. They tell me they need to check to make sure my water broke. I spread my legs and they can already see my baby’s head. 7 centimeters dilated. F–k…me.”
‘My daughter looks like she’s seen multiple ghosts. ‘It’s OK Toodleboot. Ignore your parents on the ceiling and that it sounds like the world is on fire. Just GO BACK TO SLEEP.’: Mom’s hilarious struggle with fire alarm
“All is well. All is quiet-ish. And I’m back in my bed, when from the far side of the house I hear… beep.”
‘I saw something shiny and turned into Sméagol. ‘My precious!’: Wife hilariously recounts lost engagement ring, ‘This ring will come with one heck of a story’
“It was around 8 p.m. when I found myself crying and crawling, mostly crying, on my hands and knees in the middle of a Publix parking lot. I imagined the ring traveling the streets of Miami stuck on a tire thread.”
‘The detective said, ‘I need to speak with you immediately. This is the strangest thing to ever happen at the New Jersey DEA. Come to the precinct at once.’: Mom hilariously recalls Christmas gift gone wrong, ‘The things we do for our kids’
“I tried to get the best Christmas gift for my daughter on Etsy and accidentally became embroiled in an international drug-smuggling ring. The things we do for our kids.”
‘As I was in the bathroom I heard a rustling noise. I figured it was a mouse. As I lifted my eyes to scan, mid-wipe, my eyes met another pair of eyes. IT WASN’T A MOUSE.’: Woman hilariously recounts embarrassing bathroom mishap
“‘HELLO! I’m in here.’ I think he knew I was ‘in’ there. I just don’t think his brain could process what he was seeing. He saw a bodacious woman, full-frontal from the waist down, wiping…her…backside.”
‘The server dropped off the check, and that’s when I realized. WHERE IS MY DEBIT CARD?’: Mom hilariously recounts ‘missing’ debit card, ‘I am NOT made for adulting’
“It’s not in my pockets. Not in my car. Not on the kitchen counter. So, I skivvy down for my sadness shower and… wait. Stuck to my boob. Because OBVIOUSLY.”
‘What the hell is that? Is it POOP? How did it survive the wash cycle?! Wait, can poop be sanitized?’: Mom hilariously recounts ‘heart-stopping’ moment of confusion, ‘Hang in there, y’all’
“A cold wash of panic flooded my chest. I blinked rapidly. ‘Oh my god, how did poop get in the washing machine?!’ I do not want to have to buy a new washer. Nonetheless, I had to address the situation at hand.”
‘Thump-thump.’ I was the only barrier between my children’s precious snoozing and whatever horror awaited us downstairs.’: Mom battling anxiety recounts hilarious story of ‘intruder’
“Did I lock the door? I wondered, ‘Does one need pants to fight off bad guys?’ Halfway down the stairs, I heard the noise again. Thump—scraaaaatch—THUMP. My blood ran cold.”
‘Every time Rich comes to deliver, I am in my best clothes. As his eyes climbed up, he stopped briefly at my chest and looked away.’: Mom suffers hilarious wardrobe malfunction during delivery, ‘There were two dark dots staring at him’
“I heard a knock, and I knew it was Rich. My beloved. Bringer of dreams. Rich gave me his million dollar smile then the color drained from his face. I shut the door, go to the mirror to check out the damage. There were two dark dots staring at him.”
