“I go full-fledged panic mode. Something is amiss. I can smell it. Holland: ‘I DONT NEED A POTTY!’ Ben: ‘BAHAHAHAHAHHAA! She doesn’t need a potty, Mom! Our clubhouse ALREADY HAD a potty!’ Golden Retriever: *whimpering slightly* I climb up the ladder. My children are pointing to… A dog bowl.”
‘No, Mommy! I don’t need a potty!’ The kids erupted in giggles. I should’ve been suspicious LONG before. Holland had been consuming juice boxes and popsicles for HOURS, y’all.’
‘Hubby: ‘I sent these pictures to work to show them the baby. They’re good, right?’ Me: ‘You’re kidding me, right? OH MY GOD! I am NOT covered up down there! Did you even LOOK at them?’
“Hubby: (in a rising and panicked voice). ‘Well, yeah. And I even had your DAD look at them before I sent them!’ My dad’s eyes are bulging out of his head. Dad starts trying to defend them. ‘We were just looking at your faces, it was a cute family photo…. Well, from the top up!’ My husband goes into damage control. ‘Oh no, oh my God, how did I miss that?’”
‘I screamed ‘Do you need to pee?’ at my 4-year-old during her game. She said, ‘No,’ then peed her pants. Couldn’t help but respect her dedication to the game.’
“We’re two weeks into soccer season. Practice is on Tuesday afternoons, so we can have dinner at 3 p.m. or 10 p.m. My 4-year-old listens to her soccer coach better than she’s EVER listened to me in the history of her life, and I’m trying really hard not to be bitter about that.”
‘What is all of that?,’ he asked. I told him, ‘April Fools!’ He still didn’t really understand. He continued to ask me, ‘But, what is all of it?’
“I don’t hide my purchases. He takes a picture, sends it to me and says, ‘It took BOTH of these trucks to get your orders delivered today.’ So, that simmered in my brain.”
‘Most children develop an obsession at some point. A favorite animal or sport. My 4-year-old is obsessed with birth videos.’
“I wanted her to be prepared for the home birth of her little brother. I showed her a birth video and asked if she had any questions. ‘Mommy, can I be your midwife?'”
‘He looks at me and asks what’s wrong? And I respond, ‘I’ve been punched by your son and your daughter has done a massive poop in the bath’
“He hands me a paper towel, I mean dude, what the hell am I gonna do with a paper towel? Dry the poop? Soak the bath water?”
‘I call Leo in. He looks at it, cocks his little head to the side. And then, obviously, I yelled at it. The spider ran. Leo starts screaming. The louder he screams, the faster the spider pursued him.’
“Let me share with y’all a massive mom fail I experienced. I noticed this toy for sale. They’re called ‘Yellies’ and the louder you yell at it, the faster it goes. Being the mother of a naturally loud and boisterous kid, I thought it would be the perfect Christmas present…”
‘As my due date gets closer, I thought about removing my body hair so I don’t get shaved down by a nurse and die of embarrassment because she needs a whipper snipper to cut through the Sherwood Forest.’
“’Are you in labor?,’ he asks holding the tongs. ‘No! Omg I’m having a reaction to the cream!’ He looks at my face and sees half-hardened face mask and thinks I put the cream on my face, so he helpfully grabs a towel and starts rubbing my face while I’m trying to push him away.”
‘Dear Dads of the world: Suck it up and get a vasectomy.’
“Remember when your lady was pregnant? Vomiting up everything, feeling sick from the smell of meat… remember how she was exhausted? How she felt like a turtle who was stuck on her back and couldn’t get up?”
‘The story of a girl, a baby and her first ever C-section’: Mom’s HILARIOUSLY CANDID, all-too-real birthing experience
“I get into the operating room and it’s got more people than an over-30’s nightclub. Everyone is introducing themselves and what they do, but I only paid attention to the person with the drugs, her name was Emma. (I think.)”
