funny

‘I pressed the spray tan button and suddenly started leaking. I hadn’t nursed in an hour. Milk was squirting onto the sides of the booth. I stared in horror.’: Mom shares hilarious postpartum spray tan fail before wedding

“My best friend’s wedding was only 3 weeks away. As we got closer to the date, I realized I needed to get my sh*t together if I didn’t want to look like a hot mess at the altar. After all, I’d just had a 9-pound baby boy cut from my uterus. I headed to my local spray tan salon. Milk was squirting onto the sides of the booth. I was leaking, BAD.”

‘I seriously spent 10 minutes scrubbing my dootie hand and crying. My dog has been tormenting me for 7 seven years.’: Mom shares hilarious story of ‘angry pooter’ dog, ‘family is familly, no matter what’

“Frank is an angry pooter. Things he has pooted on when mad at me: my pillow, bed, couch, shoes, literally a pack of crackers, inside my purse, in my suitcase, and on top of a makeup bag. His aim is remarkable for a dog that takes multiple tries to jump on the couch and often falls off while licking his own butthole.”

‘Sit down. I need to tell you something.’ ‘Mom, what’s wrong?! Are you ok?’ I found her sitting ladylike in bed.’: Woman recalls hilarious Christmas moment with mom, family still jokes about it during holidays

“My imagination was running wild. I was definitely assuming she was going to tell us something bad. But no. No. No. No. ‘Do you kids know what song they are singing right now?’ ‘Yes,’ I replied (still confused). She began to lightly pat her hands on the bed, beaming with pride.”

‘Dad, it’s weird, but I think I pooped my pants!’ Minutes later, it hits me. OMG. ‘That’s not poop!!!’: Dad transforms into ‘the period fairy’ after realizing daughter is experiencing first menstrual cycle

“Today, I got THE CALL. So, I rush to school, bring her a change of undies, and rush back to my conference call. Hours later, she calls. ‘Dad, it happened again.’ At this point, I’m confused. Annoyed. ‘Just wipe your butt!’ Then, it hits me. I rush to the trash, inspect the undies from earlier, and scream. My child called for help and I just left her to die on the battlefield!”

‘You know, short hair, glasses, chubby.’ I was literally jarred. I asked my daughter to repeat what she said.’: Mom ‘angry’ after daughter was called ‘chubby’ by classmate, ‘everyone giggled’

“I will never forget the shame and fear in her eyes as she looked up at me and asked, ‘Am I?’ Those kind brown eyes searched my face for the truth. Kind of chubby… Those words reached down into my body, grabbed my heart with a fierce grip and punched me in the stomach.”

‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ Shizzing yourself at your job interview. That’s what.’: Woman hilariously shares ‘mortifying’ accident, hopes it can ‘make someone smile’

“I felt a bead of sweat roll down my face. My stomach started making beastly growls. I got to my feet to rush to the bathroom when I heard a knock. ‘Hello, Mrs. O? It’s so nice to meet you.’ Shiz. Shiz. Holy shiz. It was too late. I was trapped! Suddenly, I felt hot flashes and bubbles. My body was going to DO THE DAMN THING. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job.”

‘I’m Claire. I’m 90. I’m single. And I don’t need no man! Mic drop.’: 90-year-old woman hilariously praises ‘hubby-free’ life, claims it’s ‘the secret to living long’

“I’m a prune, I know. But a living prune nonetheless! I don’t have Alzheimer’s. I don’t use a cane. Yes, I remember what I ate for dinner 3 nights ago. And I don’t have a husband! No, he didn’t die off on me. I didn’t outlive him. He never existed! I’m convinced these leafy greens aren’t the only reason I’m been alive and truckin’ this long!”

‘Last night, my soul left my body. Yes, I pooped out my soul and went to heaven. And now I’m a brand new man.’: Man hilariously shares Magnesium Citrate ‘near-death experience’ after eating 20 ‘nuclear wings’

“Until last night, I didn’t understand the term ‘shiz storm.’ I was looking down on myself from the sky, watching all of my internal organs liquefy and spray out like someone jumped on a balloon full of Nutella. After 4 straight hours of pooping, I passed out on the bathroom floor for 2 hours only to be awoken by my dog licking me to see if I was dead.”

‘I’m leaving for college soon. I wanted to make my little brother smile while I still can.’: Big brother’s ‘goofy joke’ reminds us to ‘make every moment count’ with our siblings

“I’m starting senior year of high school and my schedule allows me to get home before my little brother Max. One day, I ran to my room and threw together the most embarrassing outfit I could find. When Max got off the bus, he was very confused and embarrassed, which means my plan worked. I decided to do it again the next day, and the next. Soon, people started donating costumes and he began to really enjoy it. As an older brother, it’s all I could’ve hoped for. A smile on his face.”

‘I’m shocked we haven’t been kicked out of my friend’s chemo. But the doctor likes us, I’m certain of it.’: Woman in hysterics with friend at chemo treatment, they refuse to ‘let the monster consume us’

“From the moment we strode in, to the moment we left, we were in tears. I don’t mean little, drippy tears. I mean big, fat, mascara stained tears. Some whispered as they watched. The ‘Indian Prince’ Doctor nervously smiled. The entire chemo ward waited to see what would happen next. We weren’t crying in pain. Oh no. We were laughing so hard we were crying. I remember being here with my husband after he was diagnosed. I was nervous how I’d feel. But you know – go big or go home.”

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