“I raced to the front porch, paralyzed. Do I swing open the door and just run in? Do I call the cops? As I stood with my hand up in the knocking position, the door opened.”
‘I crashed the party my 16 year-old-daughter was at. I rolled up on it to hear, ‘drink, drink, drink.’ I had visions of my sweet girl suspended in the air, held up by football players as she gulped cheap beer.’
‘My Tinder bio was, ‘Just trying to find a Tinder match to get matching tats with.’ Today I was feeling impulsive and actually did it.’
“She sent me a message asking if I was actually down to get a tattoo…”
‘Oh, hey girl! It’s me, YOU, in 2019! Sorry about tucking you away in a drawer for decades, but I am so happy to see you now. And LOOK at you!’
“Is that a wine cooler in your hand? Say no more. I can tell its strawberry daiquiri–flavored from its iconic redness. Also, judging by the thinness of those eyebrows, there is a tiny butterfly clip holding your hair in place, isn’t there? Good for you, keeping up with fashion and stuff!”
‘My friend called and said I had to fertilize my lawn. ‘What?,’ I asked. ‘You know, fertilizer.’ Visions of spreading cow crap bare-handed dance in my head. ‘It’s going to rain tomorrow, so do it today.’
“I said, ‘fine,’ all the while thinking, “this is dumb, this is dumb, this is dumb.’ Yet I realize this is one of those things I have to do now, on my own. So, I sent my daughter to the store to grab a bag, and $25.00 later, I’m ready to go. Or so I thought…”
‘Justin asks them to take our picture. ‘One more?’ REALLY GET THE BACKGROUND.’ He drops to one knee. All 3 guys start screaming: ‘SAY YES!! DID YOU JUST DO THAT?! THAT’S EPIC!!’
“Halfway through our ceremony, who crashes the wedding? OUR ENGAGEMENT FRIENDS. The vulgar lyrics were blasting. LOUD. During the prayer. I cannot make this up. My husband and I locked eyes, and we knew. We knew it was them. Our wedding guests look on, HORRIFIED.”
‘What in the actual hell are you doing?’ Then I saw it. The glassy eyes. I have NEVER seen my husband DRUNK. The waitress asks if he’d like another round. He’s LOST. HIS. MIND.’
“I peek into the bathroom. He is NAKED, on the toilet with his face in a garbage can. He hears me shriek with laughter and screams, ‘CLOSE THE DOOR DANIELLE!!’ Me: ‘You drink a little too much?’ Justin: ‘NO! It was the chicken wings.’ I am DOUBLED OVER laughing at how ridiculous this is, and how stupid he thinks I am.”
‘I remember this guy said I had a ‘tight rig.’ I never ate much, I glorified my thinness. I was valued. I was funny, I felt pretty.’
“I met a guy, we fell in love and wanted babies. 3 kids, 2 vaginals, 1 cesarean, postpartum depression, antidepressant weight gain, and life later, this is my rig. I hated it. I would say it was broken. It’s not the person I valued anymore.”
‘I like Mama’s milk and I cannot lie!’ Mom’s HILARIOUS take on ‘Baby Got Back’ is the breastfeeding anthem we all need
“My baby friends tried to warn me, but that milk you got makes (me so thirsty), ooh, you’ve got some smooth skin, you say you wanna fit in your old jeans?, Well, use me, use me, ’cause I’m breastfeedin’ groupie!”
‘Before the doctor came in he started telling us about drinking prune juice. He started laughing as he tells us he drank 3 glasses of it, and it worked. We started laughing – loudly.’
“I realized it was a sound we hadn’t heard for a very long time. For a moment, our world was normal.”
‘Every mom can relate to getting rid of toys behind their kids’ backs. Then one night your daughter walks up and asks, ‘Hey mom, where’s my pink baby walrus?’ Your heart stops.’
“Ummmm… busted. Crap. Uhh divert, divert, divert.”
