“I felt a bead of sweat roll down my face. My stomach started making beastly growls. I got to my feet to rush to the bathroom when I heard a knock. ‘Hello, Mrs. O? It’s so nice to meet you.’ Shiz. Shiz. Holy shiz. It was too late. I was trapped! Suddenly, I felt hot flashes and bubbles. My body was going to DO THE DAMN THING. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job.”
‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ Shizzing yourself at your job interview. That’s what.’: Woman hilariously shares ‘mortifying’ accident, hopes it can ‘make someone smile’
‘I’m Claire. I’m 90. I’m single. And I don’t need no man! Mic drop.’: 90-year-old woman hilariously praises ‘hubby-free’ life, claims it’s ‘the secret to living long’
“I’m a prune, I know. But a living prune nonetheless! I don’t have Alzheimer’s. I don’t use a cane. Yes, I remember what I ate for dinner 3 nights ago. And I don’t have a husband! No, he didn’t die off on me. I didn’t outlive him. He never existed! I’m convinced these leafy greens aren’t the only reason I’m been alive and truckin’ this long!”
‘Last night, my soul left my body. Yes, I pooped out my soul and went to heaven. And now I’m a brand new man.’: Man hilariously shares Magnesium Citrate ‘near-death experience’ after eating 20 ‘nuclear wings’
“Until last night, I didn’t understand the term ‘shiz storm.’ I was looking down on myself from the sky, watching all of my internal organs liquefy and spray out like someone jumped on a balloon full of Nutella. After 4 straight hours of pooping, I passed out on the bathroom floor for 2 hours only to be awoken by my dog licking me to see if I was dead.”
‘I’m leaving for college soon. I wanted to make my little brother smile while I still can.’: Big brother’s ‘goofy joke’ reminds us to ‘make every moment count’ with our siblings
“I’m starting senior year of high school and my schedule allows me to get home before my little brother Max. One day, I ran to my room and threw together the most embarrassing outfit I could find. When Max got off the bus, he was very confused and embarrassed, which means my plan worked. I decided to do it again the next day, and the next. Soon, people started donating costumes and he began to really enjoy it. As an older brother, it’s all I could’ve hoped for. A smile on his face.”
‘I’m shocked we haven’t been kicked out of my friend’s chemo. But the doctor likes us, I’m certain of it.’: Woman in hysterics with friend at chemo treatment, they refuse to ‘let the monster consume us’
“From the moment we strode in, to the moment we left, we were in tears. I don’t mean little, drippy tears. I mean big, fat, mascara stained tears. Some whispered as they watched. The ‘Indian Prince’ Doctor nervously smiled. The entire chemo ward waited to see what would happen next. We weren’t crying in pain. Oh no. We were laughing so hard we were crying. I remember being here with my husband after he was diagnosed. I was nervous how I’d feel. But you know – go big or go home.”
‘She looks so mad!’ As perfect as she was, I couldn’t help but laugh. She looked so angry.’: Mom ‘so thankful’ her daughter is ‘healthy, strong’ after shocking Oligohydramnios diagnosis
“I woke up, something didn’t feel right. Before I could even grasp what was happening, 10 people were in the room. I laid on the operating table thinking, ‘Please be okay, little one, please.’ My husband was in the waiting room, no idea I was even in surgery. All I could think was, ‘She is so tiny.’ I just held her in front of me. She looked so angry. She just stared at my husband and sons with tensed eyebrows, so incredibly inconvenienced by us. It’s absolutely hilarious.”
‘I’d like to publicly apologize to our Red Robin hostess. She didn’t know she was the last straw.’: Mom breaks down at Red Robin after dropping off son at college
“The hostess smiled. ‘How many in your party?’ I stood there, stunned, as my heart jumped into my throat. The dagger glares I shot were met with confusion. ‘Can’t you count?! Are you really going to make me say it out loud?’ There was awkward silence. I knew she was going to make me say it. ‘Three.’ She had no idea we’ve been a family of four for 18 years and it was our first time out without our firstborn.”
‘I crashed the party my 16 year-old-daughter was at. I rolled up on it to hear, ‘drink, drink, drink.’ I had visions of my sweet girl suspended in the air, held up by football players as she gulped cheap beer.’
“I raced to the front porch, paralyzed. Do I swing open the door and just run in? Do I call the cops? As I stood with my hand up in the knocking position, the door opened.”
‘My Tinder bio was, ‘Just trying to find a Tinder match to get matching tats with.’ Today I was feeling impulsive and actually did it.’
“She sent me a message asking if I was actually down to get a tattoo…”
‘Oh, hey girl! It’s me, YOU, in 2019! Sorry about tucking you away in a drawer for decades, but I am so happy to see you now. And LOOK at you!’
“Is that a wine cooler in your hand? Say no more. I can tell its strawberry daiquiri–flavored from its iconic redness. Also, judging by the thinness of those eyebrows, there is a tiny butterfly clip holding your hair in place, isn’t there? Good for you, keeping up with fashion and stuff!”
