“My daughter is 8 years old. The entire conversation, one she will likely forget by the time her first girlfriend asks about her coming out story, was just 18 words. I’ve known far longer than she has that she’s gay.”
‘Mom, Is he gay?,’ she innocently asks. ‘Yeah, honey he is.’ She lays on the blanket. ‘I think I’m gay, too.’ She says matter-of-factly. ‘I think so too, hun.’
‘I knew our marriage was over. He began feeling the weight of not being true to himself as a gay man. We were now entering uncharted territory – co-parenting.’
“I got off the phone devastated. Bawling. I felt like a failure. Losing a partnership like that, a friendship, felt like death. I began to picture all the holidays – separated as a family, and the awkward meet ups to switch the kids on our given days. I pictured being cold and disrespectful to other. It was the most painful things I could imagine.”
‘Someone at school told me you’re gay.’ I couldn’t keep this secret any longer. I poured my heart out to her. I thought I’d lost my friend. Until my phone pinged. ‘I like you, too.’
“We hid, for months. People started to suspect our relationship. We were pelted with rocks while waiting for the bus. We were spat on. Soon, her mom found out. They moved her 10 hours away. I barely had any contact with her. As the train arrived on the platform, she was waiting for me.”
‘Babe, know what I’m thinking?’ I was like, ‘Pizza or Chinese?’ He said, ‘We should have another kid!’ Our surrogate got pregnant with twins! Tim was calm, I was nervous.’
“Tim went on a business trip. I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t heard from him. Then I got the voicemail. ‘Hello, this is the police, please give us a call.’ A detective answered. ‘Who is Timothy to you?’ ‘He’s my husband,’ I said. ‘What’s going on?’ ‘I’m sorry to tell you this, but Tim passed away in his hotel room.'”
‘I was still being bullied. I developed a crush on a cute boy. He told me, ‘Here, take this. It will make you feel so much better. You won’t have any pain.’ I immediately felt like I was on cloud nine.’
“‘Momma, can I come back home?’ I remember thinking, ‘You can’t save me, it’s too late, I am slipping away quickly.’ She kissed my forehead. ‘You are stronger than you know.’ I never heard from my ex again.”
‘There was always the nagging in the back of my head telling me I was gay. About four years into our marriage my thoughts crept back up. I illogically came up with a solution. Have a kid.’
“Finally a few weeks later I told my wife we needed to talk. After putting my daughter to bed I sat down with her and told her I had something to confess.”
‘I remember thinking, ‘What the hell is conversion therapy?’ She introduced me to ‘Pastor Jake.’ He was going to ‘take good care of me.’ I immediately wanted to leave.’
“He told me how he is an ‘ex-gay.’ After he placed the ‘electrodes’ on my body, he turned on the projector. He showed me ‘homoerotica’ images, and if I became ‘excited,’ it would send a shock throughout my entire body. He did it repeatedly until I passed out. He told me he ‘didn’t need permission from parents.'”
‘I woke up next to my beloved husband with our 3 children across the hall, and realized I am no longer straight.’
“I paused what I was doing, took a deep breath, and asked, ‘Would you like to know something interesting about me?’ He said, ‘Yes, babe.’ He stopped washing the dishes, and turned to me. I broke down crying.”
‘I heard my brother yell, ‘Luke, move!’ I felt something hit my head. I instantly felt sick. I saw a gray beard, a man and his fist. I stood frozen. ‘Get away from them!’
“I stood in the living room, my hands shaking. I looked my mother in eye as she said, ‘What’s this important news you have?’ I nervously said, ‘Promise you won’t hate me?’ A look of concern crossed her face. I blurted out, ‘I’m gay, I have a boyfriend.’”
‘They hadn’t told us which bed she was in, but we knew. Somehow, we knew. She was tiny, wrapped in an orange elephant blanket, and absolutely beautiful.’
“Every day that went by, we didn’t know if it would be our last together. Every time the phone rang my stomach was in knots. There were a few times I remember looking at each other like, ‘What the heck did we just get ourselves into?’”