“It was a dreary day. I was standing by the window with tears streaming down my face. The kids were whining in the background. The house was a complete disaster. I was trembling and my knuckles were white from gripping the chair. My marriage was crumbling before my eyes.”
‘I’d be driving to work and see the ‘perfect’ tree to ram my car into. I stared at the railing upstairs, picking out the spot to hang from. I knew this was not normal, but it was my new normal.’
‘I was at the subway station. My boyfriend heard a loud crash. Things went black. I awoke to an EMT standing over me. ‘Do you know someone who has it?’ I nodded.’
“Instead of contacting my mom, I decided to wait. ‘You have 24 hours to cry about the situation.’ All I could think was, ‘WHY?’ I sat in disbelief. Something inside me felt like I would be doing everyone a favor.”
‘My boyfriend woke me. ‘He is in the house.’ I checked the doors, all locked. I climbed back into bed. ‘I just saw him in the hall!’ I got up again. He was there. We heard a loud BOOM!’
“We started arguing and it woke my son up. Excited to see his dad, he ran to him. He picked him up, turned and walked out. He just took my son! I was in shock. She knew. She told me to pack a small bag and get the hell outta there.”
‘I woke up expecting it to be my last day on earth. I bought a bottle of pills and razors. Then I bought a rope. I had 3 different plans and figured one of them had to work.’
“I walked for miles to find an area with a good tree, and no people. I finally found a place. I tied the rope around the tree, and took what I thought would be my last breath. I stepped off the branch. Then, someone called. My phone rang and rang. I finally answered.”
‘I bumped into an old childhood friend. ‘What have you been up to?’ ‘I’m in rehab.’ I laughed, thinking it was a joke. Soon after, I asked him to meet me. I warned him about my appearance.’
“‘I don’t look the same as when you last saw me. I’m not doing too well,’ I said. My face was a mess. I had cuts and blood in my nostrils. In that coffee shop, I sat across from him crying. I was scared of telling anyone.”
‘He pushed his way in. ‘Sit on the couch!,’ he demanded. He told me he was going to stay all night. I begged him to leave. Then he came up with an idea: ‘I’ll leave if you have sex with me.’
“When he was finished, he uttered the words, ‘You didn’t think I was actually going to leave, did you?’”
‘I woke up handcuffed to a hospital bed covered in my own vomit, dirt and mud caked in my ears and under my perfectly manicured acrylic nails.’
“I made a phone call that no mom ever wants to get. Within an hour, my mom was at my apartment and I will never forget the look of absolute terror on her face.”
He is a ‘great guy, a great husband and father – how could he have done this!?’ It’s because he did it when no one was looking.
“I have LIVED this. When I left, everybody was surprised. This is going to sting – not just a little. But a lot. The man you love… Does he call you a b*tch? A whore? That’s not love.”
10 things that helped when my son told me he had depression
“This time two years ago, my teenage son walked into my room and simply asked, ‘Mom, can we talk?'”
‘You seem like you’re having a really hard time with this.’ Tears poured down my face as I said, ‘I am. I’m so sad and I don’t know WHY.’
“Postpartum depression is a hard thing for women to talk about. I thought to myself, ‘Shame on you for feeling sad. You have this beautiful, healthy baby boy – you have nothing to be sad about.’”
