“I got the call around 3:30 a.m. I spent 9 months preparing for that call. 9 months worth of nights obsessively checking the volume on the phone, making sure it was charged, that it was close by, that I hadn’t somehow missed any calls. Well I got my call. Loud and clear.”
‘He was 6 months old and only 9 pounds. I am a living nightmare. They knew it was all a tremendous f*ck up. They knew he was like this because of them.’
‘I woke up to hear him gasping. I thought, ‘Is this actually happening?’ As I watched my husband turn blue to gray, I cried to PLEASE not take him! I begged him not to leave me and the boys.’
“His exact words were, ‘People drinking these drinks are playing Russian Roulette with their lives.’ I was blown away. I couldn’t believe just one drink could do this damage.”
‘Loving the girl who lost her father. This role isn’t for the faint of heart.’
“You adore a woman who will forever be a little girl who lost her daddy. The very first man who loved her is no longer hers to have.”
‘What do you do with all the ‘stuff?’ It’s gut-wrenching for parents who lost a child. The dreams of a baby in the nursery are no longer viable, and now you are left with ‘stuff.’
“Our nursery sat untouched. I couldn’t open the door. There was no need for 3 burping pillows. But, there was one box that sat in our basement for nearly 2 years. I held my breath as I opened that final storage box.”
‘He thought he lost his wedding ring. We went back in, couldn’t find it. I asked him again where he thinks he lost it. ‘I don’t know. I just heard it hit the ground.’
“He was confused. He was tired. I couldn’t even be upset. ‘We will find it. It’s ok.’ My heart said we would. My brain knew we wouldn’t. Right then, I accepted he was going to die, and he was going to do that without his ring.”
‘I play out the details of that final weekend in my head. Struck by how quickly it was all over. Just like that, she was gone. Gone forever.’
“It intensifies on November 8th. That is the day my soulmate came home for Veterans Day weekend. It was a Thursday evening, as it is this year. She kissed me goodbye, then my life was turned upside down.”
‘When I lost my father at 18, you were there. You didn’t force me to talk about my emotions. You shared your father with me when I no longer had one.’
“As young parents I would call you crying because the task of being an adult was too overwhelming. I didn’t feel like enough of a wife or mother. You were kind to irrational postpartum me.”
‘There is a lot of fluid in there. I am going to get your doctor.’ My heart sank, and I debated calling my husband, but just sat there, numb, and decided to wait.’
“I trusted my doctor dearly, so I knew she’d have something good to say. She always did. She did not this time.”
‘His dying wish was to be home. I never got to thank him for drying my tears when I was broken inside as a victim of bullying.’
“It’s the things I no longer remember that hurt so deeply. What it feels like to wrap my arms around his neck to hug him. I no longer remember the feeling of joy he brought me. Loving him feels like a lifetime ago.”
‘His breath became labored. My husband caressed his cheek and told him we’d be okay. But his eye searched ours, as if to be sure.’
“He was ours. I knew exactly where I wanted to go. I wanted our first family picture to be of our entire family. We drove straight from the hospital to the cemetery.”
