“I was bombarded with numerous questions. ‘What were you wearing?’ ‘Did you make them think you wanted it?’ ‘Why were you walking by yourself?’ For years, I recoiled at anything that made me feel sexy.”
‘Look at that fine a**.’ He followed me down the sidewalk. I felt that familiar tension in my chest and a knot in my throat. I was disgusted by my own skin.’
‘Take your shirt off!’ Instead of helping her, they pointed or laughed. She said, ‘I don’t want him to feel how he made me feel.’
“Her spine was collapsing. Her ‘best friend’ no longer wanted to talk to her. She lost the ability to sit up, walk, or do anything herself.”
‘That girl wears so much makeup, she must be high maintenance. She’s pretty, so she’s dumb. I see an awful lot of claws out.’
“Growing up, I was often complimented that I was ‘not like other girls’. I loved to play sports, crack jokes and hang out with my brother’s friends. I put my hair in a pony tail and wore blue jeans. And I wasn’t like other girls. Because other girls were… Hmm. I don’t know, exactly.”
‘I bet all the girls at school have a crush on you,’ he said. He tore a receipt and wrote his phone number down. I walked out of my front door on a school night and hopped in his car.’
“My mom was distracted when he passed the information to me and said, ‘I would love to help you figure out what you want to do when you grow up.’ Then my mom chimed in about how great I was at sales. That was his siren. That was his bridge. That was his free ticket.”
‘I love you, and I’m home.’ He wrapped me in a warm embrace. We had a fairy tale image of what our life would be. The next year was a whirlwind of emotions.’
“We lived off ramen noodles and ham sandwiches. We slept in forty-five minute increments. ‘I miss us,’ he said. The spark of our honeymoon years quickly faded, and life together felt more like survival.”
‘At first, Mickey’s grooming was very subtle. I knew it was something I just had to deal with. He granted me a new home and this was my life now.’
“When I cut my hair short she said, ‘Only old women and dykes have their hair short.’ There is no doubt in my mind that any disclosure would have only solidified her disgust with me.”
‘My father secretly recorded videos of me naked. I wanted nothing but my mother’s love and support. ‘Get out of my house,’ she told me.’
“I wouldn’t allow him to have power over me any longer. I stood up and walked out of the house. No one followed, no one cared. I had angels flying over me that night.”
‘I was over 600 pounds. I feared my wife would find me dead of a heart attack. I had two choices: lose weight or die.’
“I couldn’t walk more than a few hundred feet. People avoided me in public, as if being overweight was contagious. One parent used me as a lesson for their kid. ‘Look at him. This is what happens when you don’t eat right,’ she said.”
‘My mailbox was overflowing with ‘love’ letters. He started showing up at my house in the middle of the night. He’d stroke my cheek, and tell everyone I was his wife.’
“I was 21 years old when a man I knew surprised me at my front door with 21 red roses in his hands. He began a bizarre role play. He told everyone he was my fiancé and that my parents were keeping me locked away.”
‘A boy tapped me. ‘Why do you have a mustache? What’s that mark between your eyebrows?’ I was shocked. My face flushed with embarrassment.’
“My mom started letting me wear concealer. I wouldn’t allow myself to go out in public without my ‘mask’ on. I was terrified of what people would think if they saw me in my raw state.”
