guilt

‘You need to get over it,’ he said. ‘You’re being ridiculous.’ My boyfriend yelled at me in our Uber. He was so upset with me, and told me I was ‘too emotional.’ All I felt was fear.’

“We went out. I had too much to drink. I went to the bathroom and thought my current boyfriend was going to wait for me, but instead, I couldn’t find him after. Then all of a sudden, I saw a guy from my past. I was a victim of his, and I had a panic attack. I found my boyfriend. ‘We need to leave.’”

‘He said, ‘You can look like a wholesome American beauty, or you can look weird and androgynous. We want to wipe all of the wholesomeness out of you.’

“I started counting every calorie, I ignored my hunger, and I’d work out without eating much or anything after. I’d weigh myself whenever I could sneak into my parent’s bathroom. The scale dictated my happiness, the size of my clothes measured my worth. Hopefully I can sustain this starving myself thing for the next ten-ish years, I’d think to myself.”

‘I threw my baby in a dumpster. No goodbyes, no tears.’

“My hands shook as I grabbed a Dixie cup and gently scooped this little piece of flesh, my heart, my blood, from its watery grave. A moment later, I left the bathroom. My little burden wrapped in paper towels, and put it in my purse.”

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