“‘Honey can you come and pick me up? I think something is really wrong with me.’ I felt extremely dizzy. My senses seemed heightened. The world was closing in on me. I was shaking. That morning, all that would change.”
‘I was left with a stranger. There was a growing darkness in the pit of my stomach. I held on for dear life. I would keep trying despite the terror and numbness.’
‘His little voice begged me to wake up. ‘Don’t die, mommy. Don’t die, mommy.’ His hug, his kiss and his tenderness, lying next to me for hours as I sobbed.’
“Another fight left me to sleep in the guest room. My middle child, my baby boy, crawled into bed with me as my head throbbed and I couldn’t’ stop the room from spinning. Again. My loudest rock bottom came like a whisper – It was his touch.”
‘Hours began to pass, and still no Andy. I decided to call him. No answer. The calls started going directly to voicemail. Anxiety started to go in overdrive. Then, I saw it.’
“I was pregnant with our third child, and my hormones had gotten the best of me. I grabbed my phone and called 9-1-1. I started screaming his name, ‘ANDY, ANDY, ANDY,’ as I frantically looked on the shore line that was covered in trees. I hear the sirens roaring, coming in my direction.”
‘I mumbled, ‘You just drove past my apartment.’ He stared at me. ‘Do you think I’m not going to take you home?’ That’s when he found the entrance into the woods.’
“It was very late and getting colder by the minute, so I started to walk home. I was passed by an SUV. The man inside asked if I needed a ride. I felt put off by him, but I ignored my gut feeling and got in.”
‘My husband waited up for me. Surprised, I sat down and asked about his day. I didn’t get very far into my question. He somberly turned off the TV and leaned forward in his seat.’
“Hands folded and eyes down, he told me he had something he needed to tell me. I had never seen him so serious. I was stunned. I didn’t understand. We were cruising right along in life. We were house shopping. We were planning family vacations. I thought I was going to become a mom soon.”
‘Ewww put that away. I’ll never get stretchmarks like that when I’m pregnant.’ It was such a personal attack – feelings of shame and disgust had me cringing at my husband’s touch.’
“I was left curled up on the couch in the fetal position. I remember grabbing my thighs and crying to my husband, ‘How am I so big already? How could I possibly get any bigger?’ My 3-year-old son asked, ‘Mama, what’s wrong with your belly?’”
‘What the hell was that? Get down!’ 60 seconds later, our lives would never be the same. At that moment, it hit me. ‘Oh my God, people are really dying here.’
“I wanted to speak to my mom in case I didn’t make it out. It was already past midnight. She answered the phone tired and confused why I would possibly be calling. ‘Mom, there is a shooter here, we are on the floor, please stay on the phone with me.’”
‘I was staring at a naked picture of myself on my father’s computer. ‘What the heck?,’ I said out loud, the last words before rage overtook my body.’
“I walked into the living room where they both sat. ‘I love you. I don’t blame you. I am here to protect you,’ I told my mother. My father looked me dead in the eyes. He was sitting on the couch with his computer screen opened before him. He stared at me blankly. ‘What do I need to show her?’”
‘My father picked me up. After a short drive, he stopped the car and told me there was a ‘problem in our relationship.’ I had an instant sick feeling. I was 12 years old.’
“At 13, I fell into a sexually abusive relationship with a much older man. He carefully groomed me. I liked that someone showered me with affection and gifts. But there was a price to pay. He controlled my every move, he would follow my bus to school. He was obsessed.”
‘I was 6 when I wore my first bathing suit in a beauty competition. I was 8 when my dance instructor told my mom I was too chubby. I was 15 when I became addicted to diet pills.’
“After being sexually assaulted as a toddler, my trust was shaken. After becoming a mother, I’ve gained 75 pounds. You’d think that existing in a larger body – something I feared my entire life – would lead me further down the self-loathing spiral. But something miraculous has happened.”
