“Seeing my sweet baby girl laying in a huge bed, much too big for her, made me fall to my knees. A nurse said to me, ‘Get off the floor, it’s so dirty.’ I was angry at her, I was angry at the hospital chaplain placing his eerie hand on my shoulder with no real comfort. No parent should have to write their child’s eulogy, or decide between a casket or an urn. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.”
‘Mom she’s gone, I just know.’ I sat on my stairs with my front door open, in shock.’: How this ‘broken’ mother helps other parents of child loss heal after her own tragedy
‘When he turned a year old, he couldn’t sit up. He didn’t play with toys. He was essentially a newborn. He kept his left hand clenched, and his entire left side was tight.’
“I’ll never forget the words he said. ‘Knowing what his brain looks like, I can’t believe he is talking like this.’ I went to my car and cried. I cried tears of joy and tears of relief. And if I’m being honest, a few tears of fear. By early May, it was confirmed.”
‘Is he gone?!,’ I yelled. It wasn’t my husband. He was so excited to be a dad. He was born to be one. I held his hand, telling him how much his unborn son and I loved him.’
“Scott just started a new job. We bought a house and were moving. He started not feeling well, but we attributed it to the stress of everything changing in our life. He went to work after getting me settled in the hospital. When he came back, he looked pale. I told him to get some rest, I would be just fine.”
‘I put you in your mom’s arms so you could be snuggled while you drifted off to sleep. I hid behind the curtain and shed silent tears. I still hear the echo of, ‘I’m so sorry, but he is gone.’
“I remember every single detail about this day. I knew what I was coming into, but in no way was I prepared for it. Your nurses before me had gotten you so handsome, dressed for your family. You looked so small in that big bed.”
‘Either pregnancy is harder with age or we’re having twins.’ Our son with down syndrome had just battled multiple heart failures and a stroke. ‘Actually, there’s 3.’ Um, excuse me! What the heck?!?!’ Mom delivers baby with Down Syndrome & heart defects, gets surprised with triplets 1 year later
“We went silent until I could finally ask him how sure he was. ‘Beyond 100% certain. Triplets.’ I was in tears instantly. Our life felt like a TV show playing out in real-time. How can we handle triplets plus making sure we meet our son’s medical needs? How can I continue to work full time? Do we need a bigger car? House? How is this going to work?! Excitement quickly followed. We accepted the challenge.”
‘I was woken by a call. ‘There is something wrong with Twin B.’ Seeing the name on my caller ID made my heart leap out of my throat. How could this happen to my little, happy fighter?’
“I was trying to wrap my head around it. How does a twin, leave the other twin behind? How do we live on without her? We received another call in the middle of the night. ‘She isn’t moving the right side of her body.’ Nothing was going to stop her.”
‘There is a baby, and there is a heartbeat.’ Those words sparked hope. Then, our doctor told us I should take it easy, and wait for my body to abort the baby. WHAT?! No.’
“There were more seizures, and this time it was Infantile spasms. He paused before asking, ‘Have you ever heard of this?’ My heart nearly stopped. There was no way. When we were matched with a puppy, they were instantly at peace. We knew, they were made for each other.”
‘I looked at my daughter standing beside me. You could see the fear in her eyes. No one was talking. I finally yelled out ‘HELLO!’
“I kept thinking, ‘I just have to make it to the hospital, I just need to make it to the hospital.’ Her coloring was terrible. I entered the door carrying my limp daughter.”
‘I remember falling into his arms, bawling. ‘It’s not fair! Why me?’ I desperately wanted a normal, healthy baby. I remember walking to the car, feeling as if someone died.’
“I immediately cried to my mom. ‘What if I’m embarrassed of my own child?’ Our little girl’s heart was broken. She had a hole right in the center of it. I prayed for mine to be broken instead.”
‘What does a baby’s heart look like at 18 weeks?’ I knew something was wrong. But Tad’s father continued to say, ‘Don’t worry until we have to.’ So I tried my best not to.’
“‘He is sitting Buddha style facing away from me, so I cannot not get a good look.’ I remember watching him confirm the gender, check fingers and toes, but kept going back. He told us ‘not to worry.’ I left that appointment wanting to share the great news of, ‘we’re having a baby boy,’ but it was a double-edged sword.”
