“‘Adopt him. You’re supposed to be his mom. You’re the one. Tell your dad. Tell him now.’ My dad visited me in dream. I was standing in a white room. He walked towards me holding a baby wrapped in a light blue blanket. He handed him over, smiled and kissed the baby’s head. When I woke up, I knew.”
‘Hey Dad, I want to raise your son. I want him as my own,’ I insanely told my dying father. ‘I didn’t want to put that burden on you,’ he said. He died just 18 hours later.’
‘You’re an angel,’ he said to me after a night of being told I was worthless. The sun started to shine through the window, it reeked of booze and I had yet to sleep. I wanted to be that ‘angel.’
“My grandma passed away, and everything came crumbling down around me. I was alone. I needed him more than anything now. I needed his support, I needed him to hold me and listen to the speech I had prepared for her funeral. Instead, he did the exact opposite. ‘I need space,’ he said. SPACE?!”
‘Is he gone?!,’ I yelled. It wasn’t my husband. He was so excited to be a dad. He was born to be one. I held his hand, telling him how much his unborn son and I loved him.’
“Scott just started a new job. We bought a house and were moving. He started not feeling well, but we attributed it to the stress of everything changing in our life. He went to work after getting me settled in the hospital. When he came back, he looked pale. I told him to get some rest, I would be just fine.”
‘My son woke from his coma. ‘Dad’s in heaven. I saw him there.’ I was startled. ‘Mom, I saw your other 2 kids, too.’ He was an only child. I knew what he was taking about, but how did he know?’
“In the blink of an eye, my life changed. One second. One stoplight. There were no sirens, no warning signs. I remember saying, ‘Please heal my son and let him live.’ He was mad at me. ‘Why did you pray for me, mom? I wish I could’ve stayed with dad.’ My heart broke.”
‘Your dad isn’t ready to give up the cuddles he’s getting in Heaven yet. He knows this baby will never know him. He wants to get to know baby as long as possible first.’
“The last few weeks of pregnancy are the slowest. Your pelvis is on fire! Your hemorrhoids are raging. Your penguin waddle CLEARLY screams dilated-to-a-4! You whisper to yourself, ‘I’m going to be pregnant forever, aren’t I?’ But then, a stranger sent me a message.”
‘The phone rang at 5 a.m. ‘You need to come to the hospital. Your father is not doing well.’ My father? In the hospital? No way. He was a healthy, happy man. How could he be that sick?’
“14 years later, devastation struck once again. I lost my 19-year-old son in a tragic, earth-shattering suicide. The only comfort I have, is that my father was there to welcome him home. He was not easily influenced by peer pressure. Or, so we thought.”
‘I opened the door and saw a man holding flowers. ‘I have a delivery for Nikki,’ he said. I instantly turned to my husband, assuming they were from him. Except, they weren’t. I could tell by the confused look on his face.’
“‘Who are they from?,’ I asked. He so matter of factly said, ‘Your Mom.’ But my mom has been dead for almost eight years now.”
‘My doctor held my hand and started, ‘Tami…’ In that moment, I knew. I couldn’t breathe because I knew. Or at least I thought I did. My heart exploded with relief!’
“We were walking out of the house when a feather floated right in front of us. As we sat enjoying our morning coffee, another tiny feather made an appearance. On the drive home, I kept thinking … two feathers … what does that mean? But I had a hunch. I went straight to the bathroom and found a pregnancy test.”
‘Help me get daddy out!,’ she begged. ‘He won’t like being dirty.’ I took her to see his grave. She started digging up the dirt, crying her little heart out. We sobbed until we had no more tears to cry.’
“She was 3. That was the last time I took her to his grave. She told me her ‘heart hurt too’ much and she didn’t want to go back. She asks if our family can die and ‘be a star in the sky with daddy.’ I go straight into Mommy mode and reassure her we can’t be stars. It’s not our time.”
‘Logan went to Heaven, but he’s okay and is ALWAYS with us.’ My 2-year-old yelled, ‘NO! I want Lo Lo to stay here!’ His peaceful face let me know, ‘I’m free, I am OKAY Mom, like you said I would be.’
“When I played back that video CLEAR as DAY, a woman with an accent said, ‘He loves you very much,’ in the most peaceful and comforting tone! It sent chills down my spine. There was no noise in our house, the TV off, no one was speaking at all, yet this voice was clearly talking to us.”
