hilarious

‘Last night, my soul left my body. Yes, I pooped out my soul and went to heaven. And now I’m a brand new man.’: Man hilariously shares Magnesium Citrate ‘near-death experience’ after eating 20 ‘nuclear wings’

“Until last night, I didn’t understand the term ‘shiz storm.’ I was looking down on myself from the sky, watching all of my internal organs liquefy and spray out like someone jumped on a balloon full of Nutella. After 4 straight hours of pooping, I passed out on the bathroom floor for 2 hours only to be awoken by my dog licking me to see if I was dead.”

‘She looks so mad!’ As perfect as she was, I couldn’t help but laugh. She looked so angry.’: Mom ‘so thankful’ her daughter is ‘healthy, strong’ after shocking Oligohydramnios diagnosis

“I woke up, something didn’t feel right. Before I could even grasp what was happening, 10 people were in the room. I laid on the operating table thinking, ‘Please be okay, little one, please.’ My husband was in the waiting room, no idea I was even in surgery. All I could think was, ‘She is so tiny.’ I just held her in front of me. She looked so angry. She just stared at my husband and sons with tensed eyebrows, so incredibly inconvenienced by us. It’s absolutely hilarious.”

‘Be baseball ready!,’ coaches yell. Each player squats down for 4 seconds before returning to shenanigans. Honestly his favorite part? ‘The snacks!’: Mom hilariously describes 5-year-old son’s ridiculous ‘zero attention span’ during T-ball

“For 20 minutes, these boys stand in the outfield waiting (hoping!) for a ball to get hit their way. Do you know what those boys are doing during that time? They’re looking at flowers growing in the grass. They’re kicking dirt around. They’re discussing the Paw Patrol episode where they save some big purple dinosaur. They give ZERO cares about the other team batting. Like, at all.”

‘I turned the key, and he clapped. Yep, CLAPPED, yelling out a ‘yeehaw!’ I had a hard time focusing over his hootin’ and hollerin’. He also lived in an RV park. Yippee ki yay.’

“This guy LOVED his truck. He insisted I drive the dang thing. Now, look, I am 5-feet-tall and the door to this monster was 6 feet in the air. But, I’m a sport. I threw my long, blonde hair into a ponytail, tossed my Dolce Gabbana purse onto the seat, steadied my stiletto on the step, and yanked myself in like I was getting on a horse. I prayed we weren’t about to reenact a scene from ‘Deliverance.’”

‘My friend called and said I had to fertilize my lawn. ‘What?,’ I asked. ‘You know, fertilizer.’ Visions of spreading cow crap bare-handed dance in my head. ‘It’s going to rain tomorrow, so do it today.’

“I said, ‘fine,’ all the while thinking, “this is dumb, this is dumb, this is dumb.’ Yet I realize this is one of those things I have to do now, on my own. So, I sent my daughter to the store to grab a bag, and $25.00 later, I’m ready to go. Or so I thought…”

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