hilarious

‘What in the actual hell are you doing?’ Then I saw it. The glassy eyes. I have NEVER seen my husband DRUNK. The waitress asks if he’d like another round. He’s LOST. HIS. MIND.’

“I peek into the bathroom. He is NAKED, on the toilet with his face in a garbage can. He hears me shriek with laughter and screams, ‘CLOSE THE DOOR DANIELLE!!’ Me: ‘You drink a little too much?’ Justin: ‘NO! It was the chicken wings.’ I am DOUBLED OVER laughing at how ridiculous this is, and how stupid he thinks I am.”

‘Elf on the Shelf is a HARD NO for me — Here’s why.’

“Feeling exhausted after a long day of, I don’t know, being a parent? Is your only desire to drain a glass of chardonnay and sleep after working 8 hours and doing 4 loads of laundry? TOO BAD, MOM! WINKSY NEEDS A NEW, CLEVER HIDING SPOT!”

‘The first step is admitting you have a Christmas movie problem.’

“Where else besides ‘Dancing with the Stars’ can you find all of your favorite sitcom actors from the ’90s? Danica McKellar? Yes, please! Lacey Chabert? I’ll take two! Is that Dean Cain? Grab your Santa suit and get in that phone booth, Superman. You can save my Christmas anytime!”

‘I call Leo in. He looks at it, cocks his little head to the side. And then, obviously, I yelled at it. The spider ran. Leo starts screaming. The louder he screams, the faster the spider pursued him.’

“Let me share with y’all a massive mom fail I experienced. I noticed this toy for sale. They’re called ‘Yellies’ and the louder you yell at it, the faster it goes. Being the mother of a naturally loud and boisterous kid, I thought it would be the perfect Christmas present…”

 Share  Tweet