“I held my breath on the way out. Within 24 hours of our arrival home, the L&D ward where we had our sweet boy changed all their restrictions. Had he come one day later, my 4-year-old daughter wouldn’t have met her baby brother at the hospital. All those special moments would have been put on hold, lost forever. We hit the curve of timing by the skin of our teeth.”
‘I went to the hospital in labor. All the doors were locked. Our baby decided to come early. We escaped with a ‘normal’ birth experience by the skin of our teeth.’: Mom grateful son’s birth timing was ‘untainted by the coronavirus’
‘Do these things actually work?’ I paid $14.99 for these suckers. I’m going all in.’: In the midst of a pandemic woman tries sticky bras, ‘I chose poorly’
“I have gathered you here to talk about my boobs. I think most of us are skeptical about sticky bras for obvious reasons. Y’all, I have kids. These are working girls. I am a survivor. I assumed I could handle a floppy boob sticker.”
‘They will remove your ovary through your vagina.’ My heart skipped a beat. ‘What? I’m on my period.’ The color never returned to his face.’: Woman cracks jokes before ovarian tumor surgery
“My mother-in-law asked me if I liked my doctor. ‘Well, I did before he stuck his finger in my butthole!’ I make jokes. Sometimes, really inappropriate ones. There is no right way or wrong way to deal with a situation like this. I was at a hospital that had already saved my life once.”
This Valentine’s Day Burger King Will Give You A Free Whopper In Exchange For A Pic Of Your Ex
“All you have to do is dig up a printed photo of your ex (preferably where the head isn’t cut off and there are no hand-drawn devil horns), stuff it inside one of the breakup boxes, and you’ll receive a free Whopper.”
‘Mom hack level 1,000. Worried about the nights in the hospital with your newborn and dad sleeping? Don’t forget one of these in your hospital bag.’: Mom’s hilarious hack is what all new moms need
“I asked him to get me something from my bag. He said, ‘Ummm why is there a Nerf gun in here?’”
‘Telling her ‘he is gone’ was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. She has no siblings anymore. Just a big pile of heartache.’: Mom has to tell daughter her brother is dead due to opioid crisis
“John absolutely adored his sister. He was fine with people thinking that this beautiful blonde, this older woman, was his date – he would go out of his way to ham it up for whoever was commenting. ‘Come to me darling,’ I can hear him say. His eyes twinkling with glee. He would protect her. He just loved being with her.”
‘Sit down. I need to tell you something.’ ‘Mom, what’s wrong?! Are you ok?’ I found her sitting ladylike in bed.’: Woman recalls hilarious Christmas moment with mom, family still jokes about it during holidays
“My imagination was running wild. I was definitely assuming she was going to tell us something bad. But no. No. No. No. ‘Do you kids know what song they are singing right now?’ ‘Yes,’ I replied (still confused). She began to lightly pat her hands on the bed, beaming with pride.”
‘The man yells, ‘Look! These are yours. They fell out of that box. I’m your mailman!’: Woman hilariously recalls run-in with Amazon Prime deliveryman who picked up her ‘new butt’ underwear
“I saw a man walk onto my porch, then he bent down like he was hiding. So, I was like, ‘Hell no, you aren’t about to steal my Halloween decorations.’ I grab a baseball bat and the dog, open the door, jump out and literally yell ‘Freeze!’ The man stands up, and he’s holding a pair of underwear. I’m like, ‘You dirty old man, you’re on my porch smelling underwear.’ I’m out here swinging this baseball bat and he’s screaming, ‘Wait! Wait!’”
‘I’m Claire. I’m 90. I’m single. And I don’t need no man! Mic drop.’: 90-year-old woman hilariously praises ‘hubby-free’ life, claims it’s ‘the secret to living long’
“I’m a prune, I know. But a living prune nonetheless! I don’t have Alzheimer’s. I don’t use a cane. Yes, I remember what I ate for dinner 3 nights ago. And I don’t have a husband! No, he didn’t die off on me. I didn’t outlive him. He never existed! I’m convinced these leafy greens aren’t the only reason I’m been alive and truckin’ this long!”
‘My heart raced as I ran towards the kiddie pool. Taking a clue from my children’s guilty faces, I expected the worst. ‘Where is she?!’ I demanded.’
“‘She’s just taking a nap after her swim.’ I snapped out of my idiotic bliss. Call it divine inspiration, Mother’s Intuition, or simply, ‘Hey dummy, pay attention to your kids.’ I was suddenly struck with the thought of, ‘Huh. Why do they have a towel in a large Tupperware filled with water?'”
