“Feeling exhausted after a long day of, I don’t know, being a parent? Is your only desire to drain a glass of chardonnay and sleep after working 8 hours and doing 4 loads of laundry? TOO BAD, MOM! WINKSY NEEDS A NEW, CLEVER HIDING SPOT!”
‘Elf on the Shelf is a HARD NO for me — Here’s why.’
‘The first step is admitting you have a Christmas movie problem.’
“Where else besides ‘Dancing with the Stars’ can you find all of your favorite sitcom actors from the ’90s? Danica McKellar? Yes, please! Lacey Chabert? I’ll take two! Is that Dean Cain? Grab your Santa suit and get in that phone booth, Superman. You can save my Christmas anytime!”
‘I call Leo in. He looks at it, cocks his little head to the side. And then, obviously, I yelled at it. The spider ran. Leo starts screaming. The louder he screams, the faster the spider pursued him.’
“Let me share with y’all a massive mom fail I experienced. I noticed this toy for sale. They’re called ‘Yellies’ and the louder you yell at it, the faster it goes. Being the mother of a naturally loud and boisterous kid, I thought it would be the perfect Christmas present…”
‘I grew up in the 80’s. We invented the most radical lingo. Well, it’s a new era and a new set of teens. I took my daughter on a road trip and guess what? I barely understood a word she was saying.’
“Without us, today’s kids would never know the meaning of something good being called ‘bad.’ I remind myself of this while I’m carpooling teenagers who just don’t understand that, at one point, I was BODACIOUS.”
‘While in the hospital after birth, I was asked constantly if I had passed gas. ‘You farted yet, love?’ My answer was always no. So, she gave me the sweetest liquid and two pills to get me going.’
“Around 2-3 a.m. I was happily nursing my baby when my stomach started growling. There was a thunder storm in my colon and it was going to be explosive…”
‘Me? A minivan? I’m so young! I’m hip! This is madness. While I hated myself every minute of that test drive, I HAD NEVER FELT SO ALIVE!’
“There is SECRET STORAGE SPACE underneath these very FLOORBOARDS!? Don’t even get me started on those sliding doors, y’all. I PRESS A BUTTON AND THEY OPEN. It’s witchcraft! Witchcraft, I tell you!”
‘An 80 year old man tried to open something that helped me do strong Kegels, while his wife kept nudging him, telling him to put it down. It’s not a toy.’
“My son sensed he was making me uncomfortable. He does a side eye at me, then smiles at the elderly couple, and says, ‘I’ll go get mommy’s egg surprise.’ He returned with my pelvic floor weight that you use to strengthen your baby making muscles. He starts shaking it right in front of them!”
‘I open up a box of tampons and they all come falling out. My son asks, ‘what’s that?’ I say, ‘they’re baby mice!’ ‘Aww cute!,’ he said, while I’m internally laughing.’
“My son starts saying cute things at the doctor. He looks her in the eyes and says, ‘My mommy puts baby mice in her bum bum.’ The doctor looks horrified and says, ‘pardon?'”
‘Candy is delicious and it’s okay to give ourselves a REWARD for being awesome moms.’ This mom’s HYSTERICAL candy chart is pure parenting genius
“I kept seeing this picture that listed different candies, their calorie count and what kind of exercise you should do to burn them off. Um, no thank you.”
‘Toddlers are the worst. During rest time they were doing everything, but resting. At one point they were jumping on their beds and peeing all over the floor.’
“I could hear them laughing hysterically and I knew they were probably doing something they shouldn’t, but I was already so upset with them for their behavior so I wasn’t about to go in.”
