“When I was in my 20’s, dating was easy. I threw on something cute in a size 3 and went to parties. Sometimes I went to the wrong house, but you’d be surprised how nice people are when you show up with a 6-pack. Well, it’s not that easy anymore.”
‘Hi, how are you?’ ‘Any weird fetishes?’ ‘Have all your teeth?’ Dating in your 40s is dumb. Widowhood is dumb. Spanx? Yeah, no. But I don’t want to be alone forever, so it’s a necessary evil.’
‘YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT, YOU’RE PREGNANT.’ ‘You cannot be serious. It’s one cup. It’s fine.’ Grandma is banshee screaming at this point.’
“‘NO YOU CAN’T HAVE IT YOU’RE PREGNANT IT WILL MAKE YOU HAVE THE BABY NOW YOU CAN’T DO IT I WON’T LET MY DAUGHTER DO IT EITHER BUT SHE DRINKS IT ANYWAY AND IF I CAN’T SAVE HER I’LL SAVE YOU INSTEAD.’ I don’t think she breathed during this at all. Also, what? Save me?”
‘He was told to wear nice clothes for his graduation pictures. I expected to see him in his green cap and gown. This was so much better! I literally laughed until I cried. I hit the picture lottery.’
“I asked Connor how pictures went and if he smiled nice. In true 6 -year old-fashion, he told me he ‘smiled handsome.’ I thought nothing more of it. Until yesterday morning. We will be buying ALL the backgrounds!!!”
‘Oh, hey girl! It’s me, YOU, in 2019! Sorry about tucking you away in a drawer for decades, but I am so happy to see you now. And LOOK at you!’
“Is that a wine cooler in your hand? Say no more. I can tell its strawberry daiquiri–flavored from its iconic redness. Also, judging by the thinness of those eyebrows, there is a tiny butterfly clip holding your hair in place, isn’t there? Good for you, keeping up with fashion and stuff!”
‘Mid-meltdown, my son sticks his rubber snake down his pants and yells, ‘LOOK! MY PENIS HAS MUTATED!’ I scream-whisper in my most ‘I mean business’ mom voice, ‘Stop it right now!’
“Breathe. Everything is fine. We are making memories, dang it! I know, I know. Parents shouldn’t raise their voice. Add me to your prayer list, I need some work. Then, I noticed a silent tear trickle down my son’s cheek.”
‘Justin asks them to take our picture. ‘One more?’ REALLY GET THE BACKGROUND.’ He drops to one knee. All 3 guys start screaming: ‘SAY YES!! DID YOU JUST DO THAT?! THAT’S EPIC!!’
“Halfway through our ceremony, who crashes the wedding? OUR ENGAGEMENT FRIENDS. The vulgar lyrics were blasting. LOUD. During the prayer. I cannot make this up. My husband and I locked eyes, and we knew. We knew it was them. Our wedding guests look on, HORRIFIED.”
‘What in the actual hell are you doing?’ Then I saw it. The glassy eyes. I have NEVER seen my husband DRUNK. The waitress asks if he’d like another round. He’s LOST. HIS. MIND.’
“I peek into the bathroom. He is NAKED, on the toilet with his face in a garbage can. He hears me shriek with laughter and screams, ‘CLOSE THE DOOR DANIELLE!!’ Me: ‘You drink a little too much?’ Justin: ‘NO! It was the chicken wings.’ I am DOUBLED OVER laughing at how ridiculous this is, and how stupid he thinks I am.”
‘When I was a little girl, we knew if mom came home with chocolate cake, we better shut up. We all knew what cake meant. Something had not gone right, and Momma was NOT happy.’
“My brother would do the recon. Sneak down the hall, hide behind the china hutch, peek around the kitchen door until he had an unobstructed view. No cake? Life went on. Yes cake? He’d army crawl back to my room with fear and panic on his face, and squeak out the word, ‘caaaakkkkeeee!'”
‘Elf on the Shelf is a HARD NO for me — Here’s why.’
“Feeling exhausted after a long day of, I don’t know, being a parent? Is your only desire to drain a glass of chardonnay and sleep after working 8 hours and doing 4 loads of laundry? TOO BAD, MOM! WINKSY NEEDS A NEW, CLEVER HIDING SPOT!”
‘The first step is admitting you have a Christmas movie problem.’
“Where else besides ‘Dancing with the Stars’ can you find all of your favorite sitcom actors from the ’90s? Danica McKellar? Yes, please! Lacey Chabert? I’ll take two! Is that Dean Cain? Grab your Santa suit and get in that phone booth, Superman. You can save my Christmas anytime!”