“This guy LOVED his truck. He insisted I drive the dang thing. Now, look, I am 5-feet-tall and the door to this monster was 6 feet in the air. But, I’m a sport. I threw my long, blonde hair into a ponytail, tossed my Dolce Gabbana purse onto the seat, steadied my stiletto on the step, and yanked myself in like I was getting on a horse. I prayed we weren’t about to reenact a scene from ‘Deliverance.’”
‘I turned the key, and he clapped. Yep, CLAPPED, yelling out a ‘yeehaw!’ I had a hard time focusing over his hootin’ and hollerin’. He also lived in an RV park. Yippee ki yay.’
‘I crashed the party my 16 year-old-daughter was at. I rolled up on it to hear, ‘drink, drink, drink.’ I had visions of my sweet girl suspended in the air, held up by football players as she gulped cheap beer.’
“I raced to the front porch, paralyzed. Do I swing open the door and just run in? Do I call the cops? As I stood with my hand up in the knocking position, the door opened.”
‘Hi, how are you?’ ‘Any weird fetishes?’ ‘Have all your teeth?’ Dating in your 40s is dumb. Widowhood is dumb. Spanx? Yeah, no. But I don’t want to be alone forever, so it’s a necessary evil.’
“When I was in my 20’s, dating was easy. I threw on something cute in a size 3 and went to parties. Sometimes I went to the wrong house, but you’d be surprised how nice people are when you show up with a 6-pack. Well, it’s not that easy anymore.”
‘YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT, YOU’RE PREGNANT.’ ‘You cannot be serious. It’s one cup. It’s fine.’ Grandma is banshee screaming at this point.’
“‘NO YOU CAN’T HAVE IT YOU’RE PREGNANT IT WILL MAKE YOU HAVE THE BABY NOW YOU CAN’T DO IT I WON’T LET MY DAUGHTER DO IT EITHER BUT SHE DRINKS IT ANYWAY AND IF I CAN’T SAVE HER I’LL SAVE YOU INSTEAD.’ I don’t think she breathed during this at all. Also, what? Save me?”
‘He was told to wear nice clothes for his graduation pictures. I expected to see him in his green cap and gown. This was so much better! I literally laughed until I cried. I hit the picture lottery.’
“I asked Connor how pictures went and if he smiled nice. In true 6 -year old-fashion, he told me he ‘smiled handsome.’ I thought nothing more of it. Until yesterday morning. We will be buying ALL the backgrounds!!!”
‘Oh, hey girl! It’s me, YOU, in 2019! Sorry about tucking you away in a drawer for decades, but I am so happy to see you now. And LOOK at you!’
“Is that a wine cooler in your hand? Say no more. I can tell its strawberry daiquiri–flavored from its iconic redness. Also, judging by the thinness of those eyebrows, there is a tiny butterfly clip holding your hair in place, isn’t there? Good for you, keeping up with fashion and stuff!”
‘Mid-meltdown, my son sticks his rubber snake down his pants and yells, ‘LOOK! MY PENIS HAS MUTATED!’ I scream-whisper in my most ‘I mean business’ mom voice, ‘Stop it right now!’
“Breathe. Everything is fine. We are making memories, dang it! I know, I know. Parents shouldn’t raise their voice. Add me to your prayer list, I need some work. Then, I noticed a silent tear trickle down my son’s cheek.”
‘Justin asks them to take our picture. ‘One more?’ REALLY GET THE BACKGROUND.’ He drops to one knee. All 3 guys start screaming: ‘SAY YES!! DID YOU JUST DO THAT?! THAT’S EPIC!!’
“Halfway through our ceremony, who crashes the wedding? OUR ENGAGEMENT FRIENDS. The vulgar lyrics were blasting. LOUD. During the prayer. I cannot make this up. My husband and I locked eyes, and we knew. We knew it was them. Our wedding guests look on, HORRIFIED.”
‘What in the actual hell are you doing?’ Then I saw it. The glassy eyes. I have NEVER seen my husband DRUNK. The waitress asks if he’d like another round. He’s LOST. HIS. MIND.’
“I peek into the bathroom. He is NAKED, on the toilet with his face in a garbage can. He hears me shriek with laughter and screams, ‘CLOSE THE DOOR DANIELLE!!’ Me: ‘You drink a little too much?’ Justin: ‘NO! It was the chicken wings.’ I am DOUBLED OVER laughing at how ridiculous this is, and how stupid he thinks I am.”
‘When I was a little girl, we knew if mom came home with chocolate cake, we better shut up. We all knew what cake meant. Something had not gone right, and Momma was NOT happy.’
“My brother would do the recon. Sneak down the hall, hide behind the china hutch, peek around the kitchen door until he had an unobstructed view. No cake? Life went on. Yes cake? He’d army crawl back to my room with fear and panic on his face, and squeak out the word, ‘caaaakkkkeeee!'”
