“The baby was coming NOW. My daughter started crowning in the hallway! I was having health issues no one could pin down. Doctors said I ‘wasn’t sick’ and the pain was all in my head. Pediatricians assumed I was a horrible mother with no clue.”
‘You’re definitely pregnant, and farther along than me!’ I was 17. I was only a teenager, how was I going to be a mom?! When I came home, my mom had my bags packed.’
‘I couldn’t believe it. I opened the pregnancy test and there was my first ever positive. BIG FAT POSITIVE! Baby was the size of a pearl. ‘That’s not good.’ Dr. Hiener said. ‘Did she fall out?’
“Our doctor couldn’t do the emergency surgery. My father-in-law did. I tried to enjoy every moment I had with her. Jason and I were surrounded by love, and so was our little girl.”
‘I don’t know her name, but she was our hero on our flight home. Everyone on the plane was looking at us, annoyed by my son’s outburst.’
“He had a sudden meltdown and we couldn’t keep him calm no matter what we tried. This flight attendant asked if she could hold him. I warned her he might get aggressive and try to gouge her eyes.”
‘I found myself gasping for air. It did not matter how much I tried to breathe in, it felt as if nothing was going inside my lungs. A few days later I developed a bit of a cough. I could have died while on the mountain.’
“It took nearly 2 days before a helicopter arrived. 2 days of freaking out in subzero temperatures. I spent the entire time in a room where various people would pop their head in to make sure I was still alive.”
‘Your eyes were swollen to slits. Your lips looked like they had too much Botox. Your hands were squishy from fluid. I was the silent watcher.’
“‘Were you in a car accident?’ Every single day I get asked how I hurt myself. I usually try to laugh it off by saying, ‘Don’t I wish I got hurt playing sports.’ Sometimes people are okay with this answer. What happens though, when people are a bit more interested, and sincerely want to know what happened to you?”
‘Three months before our wedding day, I was diagnosed with cancer. I offered him an out — but he didn’t take it.’
“He went on a job interview the morning of our wedding day. With medical bills looming, we backed out of buying our first home together and, instead, moved into a rental apartment. As our wedding day approached, nothing was as we expected it would be.”
‘By age 9, I had thoughts about my own funeral. I wondered who would attend. Mom would find my Barbie dolls with notes like, ‘I want to die.’ Not at all normal for a child to be saying.’
“I remember telling my parents, ‘I love my life.’ That would soon change.‘ I lost the majority of my friends due to bullying. ‘I couldn’t even kill myself. I’m a failure.’”
‘I couldn’t sleep laying down anymore, I couldn’t laugh without gasping for air. I was dying. I was 22 and writing a will in case anything happened to me.’
“I was so busy moving forward I wasn’t even aware my mind was stuck. A few months afterward, the actual nightmares began. I would try to sleep and flashbacks and memories bombarded me. I cried every night for weeks. I knew I needed help.”
‘The 8 hours before, he was barely sniffling, laughing robustly, and writing Valentine’s Day cards. He threw up once. ONCE. I did everything, everything. This wasn’t supposed to happen.’
“In a blink of an eye, ‘it’ came. I refuse to call ‘it’ my mom, because in that moment, she wasn’t mom. Her grief had overtaken her, and ‘it’ was what she unintentionally became. And ‘it’ turned and said to me – ‘How could you let this happen?'”
‘Less than 10 seconds changed everything. I was unable to get up, despite how hard I tried. Shock settled in. I overheard the words of some hospital tech, ‘SHATTERED!’ What did that mean?’
“I am not a fan of public restrooms but knew I would be on the road. That ‘smart’ decision changed my life forever.”