“I find myself softly chanting ‘daughter, daughter, daughter.’ I lose count as I hold that sock and rock it. Minutes pass, I don’t know how many. I finally pick myself up off the floor and I put her sock in her bedroom. I shut the door, stand there for a moment, my hand still clutching the doorknob as tears stream down my face.”
‘I pick up a pink sock from under the couch. Suddenly I sink to my knees. I try to smell her on the sock, hold it to my heart and scream, ‘COME BACK TO ME! I LOVE YOU! PLEASE!’
‘When I was pregnant, I thought about that perfect ‘going home’ outfit for my child. A soft, blue sleeper with tiny elephants dancing across. But, I never had that picture-perfect moment.’
“I stood outside the children’s store, my hands shaking as my heart started racing. I took a deep breath, wiped away my tears, and put on a brave face as I walked inside. I handed the outfit to my mother and told her I had to leave, the heartache proved too much.”
‘How are the kids?’ I gave her a puzzled look, wondering if I heard her correctly. My heart began to race and my breathing became faster. Tears erupted as my mind instantly flashed back to 3 years ago.’
“I was at a routine appointment. As the lady walked into the room, she smiled, repeated herself, and that’s when I realized, she didn’t know two of my children died.”
‘As I wheeled away, I was squeezing the hand of a stranger. Finally, my husband was allowed in. ‘She’s beautiful,’ nurses said as they whisked her away. She never cried.’
“I will never forget going to get a pedicure on our anniversary. I thought, ‘Okay, this will be a time to relax,’ then in walks a woman, 34 weeks pregnant, due just around when I was supposed to be due. She was glowing and I was sinking… fast.”
‘It was twins! In the back of my head though, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and our happy world to come tumbling down. It did, but not until later.’
“They were out of all other options. Phoenix was bleeding into his lungs, and they couldn’t figure out a way to stop it. The nurse was calling other hospitals to figure out an accurate dose of medical cocaine to administer. What?? This can’t be happening!”
‘We knew it was time to go. We wheeled Sophie down to a cooling room. We could see past her imperfections, her peeling skin and her bluish tint. To us, she was our baby and she was perfect.’
“She had so much brown, curly hair. She had her daddy’s nose and her mamma’s lips. Her perfect little lips. I wanted to kiss those lips every day.”
‘Her right arm looked like a chicken wing. Her other arm started to hang limp. It was rotated inward, as if it were dislocated. I wanted to scream, ‘WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING ME?!’
“I didn’t have to wait long. At our two-month check up, our worst fears were confirmed.”
‘I received a message. My entire body began shaking. To the woman who called me SICK for talking about my children who died, my heart hurts for you.’
“You need to get past this, it’s so sick. Please, please get help. It’s so sick. Lay them to rest and move on. Get therapy but don’t drag your husband and child through this. So so sick. Please stop.”
‘We talked about meeting all year. So many feelings were running through me. In a perfect world, they could have both been saved, but that isn’t our story.’
“It was different with them — almost as if he’s known them for ages. We would give anything to have our baby back.”
‘The billing department doesn’t care if your baby died. The medical companies don’t care if you’re on unpaid leave because your child is a long-term patient. You still have to pay.’
“It keeps me lying awake at night, tears and stress making my heart race. I’m drowning in medical debt. And I know I’m not alone.”
