“At first, my little ‘hobby’ was an outlet – a very private and personal one. We had recently endured the sudden loss of our son. It was noticed by friends – and friends of friends. I quickly realized there were so many mamas that understood.”
‘During a regular, boring trip to the grocery store at 26-weeks pregnant, I went into labor. We rushed to the hospital. The NICU doctor had to ‘speak with us.’ My heart broke all over again.’
‘I thought you would like to meet your children,’ the nurse said with a smile. She handed me a stack of pictures, my first glimpse of my tiny premature babies.’
“I met my son for the first time, thanks to this picture. A picture that was taken by our nurse. She walked in, making the trek from a different building and several floors away. She knew I was too weak to visit the NICU, and hoped seeing my children would help me heal.”
‘Just stop having kids. This one will probably die too.’ This is NOT ok. As I was scrolling, this comment stopped me in my tracks.’
“As I read this terrible comment, my jaw dropped on the ground. This same woman went through my pictures and attacked me and my children. I usually just delete and move on, but she got under my skin. I couldn’t just ignore it.”
‘My husband and I never planned on more children. The fear was too big for me to tackle. I lost two children. Anxiety washed over me as I faced the same exact surgery.’
“I am a mother to four. Most people only see one child standing next to me, or notice my one on the way. But strangers will never know my daughter is actually a triplet. Her brother and sister died 5 years ago. Rainbow baby. It’s a term I love, but sometimes despise.”
‘Are you going to name your children?,’ a nurse asked me. My triplets were 2 days old. They had been known as Baby A, Baby B and Baby C. The truth is, we were scared.’
“My husband and I began to brainstorm. Peyton and Parker were always our favorites. That was the easy part — Peyton and Parker were alive. Several floors below, in the hospital morgue, was our peaceful angel, only known as ‘Baby A.’ How was I supposed to name a child I only looked at for a few hours?”
‘We were both speechless. ‘We’re almost 40 and we’ll be changing diapers again!,’ my husband finally muttered. I didn’t say a word. I was so shocked, my jaw on the ground with tears in my eyes.’
“Two children in Heaven, one here on earth; we were at peace. We signed the paperwork with the fertility clinic to finally close that chapter in our lives. Six months later, we were relaxing with a bottle of wine. Before I poured a glass, I ran upstairs. I was ‘late.’ I barely glanced at it, assuming it would be negative.”
‘I turned to the nurse, ‘If you won’t take me to see her, I will crawl if I have to.’ My best friend looked at the nurse and said ‘You might want to read her chart, she’s not kidding.’
“When everyone around me was telling me to give up, I took a chance. I did what every 21st century parent does, and what every doctor tells you not to do and I googled it. I found cannabis.”
‘I kept hearing questions, ‘should we keep resuscitating the baby? Mom, can we wheel you closer?’ I resisted coming closer. Being closer meant goodbye.’
“Nurses and doctors flooded the bedside of a tiny precious human. My little boy. Alex stood off to the side letting the team work.”
‘My doctor held my hand and started, ‘Tami…’ In that moment, I knew. I couldn’t breathe because I knew. Or at least I thought I did. My heart exploded with relief!’
“We were walking out of the house when a feather floated right in front of us. As we sat enjoying our morning coffee, another tiny feather made an appearance. On the drive home, I kept thinking … two feathers … what does that mean? But I had a hunch. I went straight to the bathroom and found a pregnancy test.”
‘I put you in your mom’s arms so you could be snuggled while you drifted off to sleep. I hid behind the curtain and shed silent tears. I still hear the echo of, ‘I’m so sorry, but he is gone.’
“I remember every single detail about this day. I knew what I was coming into, but in no way was I prepared for it. Your nurses before me had gotten you so handsome, dressed for your family. You looked so small in that big bed.”
