“Two children in Heaven, one here on earth; we were at peace. We signed the paperwork with the fertility clinic to finally close that chapter in our lives. Six months later, we were relaxing with a bottle of wine. Before I poured a glass, I ran upstairs. I was ‘late.’ I barely glanced at it, assuming it would be negative.”
‘We were both speechless. ‘We’re almost 40 and we’ll be changing diapers again!,’ my husband finally muttered. I didn’t say a word. I was so shocked, my jaw on the ground with tears in my eyes.’
‘I turned to the nurse, ‘If you won’t take me to see her, I will crawl if I have to.’ My best friend looked at the nurse and said ‘You might want to read her chart, she’s not kidding.’
“When everyone around me was telling me to give up, I took a chance. I did what every 21st century parent does, and what every doctor tells you not to do and I googled it. I found cannabis.”
‘I kept hearing questions, ‘should we keep resuscitating the baby? Mom, can we wheel you closer?’ I resisted coming closer. Being closer meant goodbye.’
“Nurses and doctors flooded the bedside of a tiny precious human. My little boy. Alex stood off to the side letting the team work.”
‘My doctor held my hand and started, ‘Tami…’ In that moment, I knew. I couldn’t breathe because I knew. Or at least I thought I did. My heart exploded with relief!’
“We were walking out of the house when a feather floated right in front of us. As we sat enjoying our morning coffee, another tiny feather made an appearance. On the drive home, I kept thinking … two feathers … what does that mean? But I had a hunch. I went straight to the bathroom and found a pregnancy test.”
‘I put you in your mom’s arms so you could be snuggled while you drifted off to sleep. I hid behind the curtain and shed silent tears. I still hear the echo of, ‘I’m so sorry, but he is gone.’
“I remember every single detail about this day. I knew what I was coming into, but in no way was I prepared for it. Your nurses before me had gotten you so handsome, dressed for your family. You looked so small in that big bed.”
‘Once again, our child could kill my wife. The woman who is now carrying our 8th child, who has been through hell and always kept hope. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m numb.’
“This feels like déjà vu. You’ll get over it, David. Don’t cry in front of all these strangers. I’ll just sit here, trying to keep my mind off the fact we just authorized a doctor to separate our child from their mother, and will likely put them in a bag labeled ‘biohazard waste.’”
‘It’s a secret I’ve been holding closely to my heart. Six years after being pregnant with our triplets, and then losing two of them, I am pregnant.’
“The tears have poured down my face, my heart racing as I finally share our news. Being pregnant after child loss is one of the most difficult things I have gone through in my life. To be honest, I was too scared.”
‘David and I have been pregnant 8 times. ‘I just took a pregnancy test. It’s positive.’ I sat on the toilet staring at the positive test until my legs went numb. This was not a part of our plan.’
“Despite the odds, the ‘treatment’ was unsuccessful. Our little fighter continued to grow. Something in my gut didn’t feel right about a second injection, so I refused. I pushed her to keep looking. ‘Wait, what’s that?’ The doctor turned back towards the screen. I saw our little baby for the first time. I instantly wept.”
‘I asked my therapist when I would get ‘over it.’ I went from being pregnant with triplets, to hitting rock bottom. Two of my children died. I thought I was OK. I didn’t need someone to talk to.’
“I remember being hesitant. I wasn’t depressed, I was simply a mother longing for the children I would no longer hold in my arms. But, I’m the mother of two children who died, and I faced my own near-death experience, so I promised my husband I would see someone.”
‘The judge looked at my husband and I. ‘Thank you for taking in a child in need.’ Without missing a beat, my husband replied, ‘We needed her more.’ Truer words have never been spoken.’
“After 5 months of loving her like our own, we got a phone call that crushed us. ‘The bio-mom is signing over her rights to her friend, and the judge ruled for us to move her. She will be there in an hour to pick her up.’”
