“I bled abundantly, but both babies continued to grow. My husband and I would leave appointments joking ‘dammit Baby B!,’ partially to prepare her for a lifetime of playful comparison, and partially to protect ourselves if something ever happened. We went into our 20-week scan assuming things were perfectly fine. They weren’t.”
‘Millions of dollars later, we’re finally home. I get to spend each day with the most amazing 14-pound child imaginable. Dammit, Baby B.’
‘I was 13 hours away with $1.32 in my account. Tears in my eyes, I gently opened the door. There was a look of shock on her face. ‘How did you get here?!’
“I wrote, ‘My mom is dying in hospice care and I feel guilty every day I’m not there sitting by her side.’ I awoke to something so unexpected. ‘Alex! Oh my god, Alex!’”
‘I looked in every bloodied towel, piece of clothing, and bathroom for a sign of a precious life to bury. I whispered to myself, ‘Why are you doing this?’ In a fog of confusion, I quietly sobbed.’
“I waddled up the driveway with the sheer terror of dropping my insides out on the rocks and cement. My husband was pale and quiet as he whispered he ‘had no idea.'”
‘I kept bleeding, I had pain. They assured me it would ‘be over soon.’ I just didn’t feel right. I went to another OBGYN, and I got in THAT DAY. It sounded so morbid.’
“I called my husband sobbing, feeling like there was an elephant sitting on my chest. Not only did dissolving a pregnancy, a baby with a heartbeat, feel so morally wrong, I felt like a complete failure. After all, it was absolutely my tubes that were the problem.”
‘I know to be grateful for his years. I also know he was sick for a long time. Nobody knows that more than us, because we witnessed it. I know, but I don’t care.’
“He breathed 2 tiny last gasps of breath before leaving us for good this time. I watched him, felt him and loved him. So I think yes, I will mourn and still cry, if I want and need to.”
